...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, June 21, 2003

well after i went offline i finished reading the storybook of cos. but was like kind of bored after that. didn't know what to do. didn't know if i wanted to do anything. felt like updating you but i just couldn't. yeah so i wrote some stuff down. here's my scribbled thoughts for yesterday night.

haven't heard from bingzhen for a while now. she's at obs. hope she's doing fine. hope she's happy and not feeling lonely. hope she'll find new friends whom she'll feel she can trust. i'll wish upon a star for you tonight darling.

hey falling rain. you said i shouldn't be thinking too much now yeah. but sighs. when i'm not doing anything, i just can't help but let my thoughts drift into their own world and the mind just takes over, it's as though i've got no control. sighs. falling rain, i've really missed you. i've really missed your words of advice. i always looked forward to your notes back in fod.

it's only in the comfort of my friends do i find my happiness - just like in chattng. maybe that's why i go online so much. and when i'm off the computer..when i'm alone..it's different..i get depressed once again..hmmm..weird..i wonder what's the purpose of others' going online sometimes..does anyone think along the same line as me.. i wonder.. -shrugs-

just sent an sms to baby`dah. sigh. i just realise that i miss so many of my friends back in new town. it wasn't a great school and all. but the people there sure made an impact in my life, do they miss me as much as i miss them? again, i wonder. i miss nora, nadia and anisah. the saddest thing is that anisah doesn't seem to be very much bothered about keeping in touch. but i'll understand if she's busy with her boyfriend and school.sometimes she doesn't reply my smses and messages online. sighs. miss the cheerful babies from band. miss the peers i used to work with in band. missed the times we always got together to play and have fun. should i say i miss my godbrother? sometimes i wouldn't even want to think about it. i think its somehow hard to believe that he was so important in my life. important, more than anything else. but now, nothing. the distance grows. silence fills the space in between. i wonder if he ever mises the times we shared as brothers and sisters. i really wonder how his life is now.. w/o his mom..who does he tell his problems to? has he realy become a bad boy ? i guess i'll never know the answers to my questions. i cared for him so much ya know? hmmmm. haven't talked to Lin in a while too. hope her life's ok. hope she's studying hard now. =)

it's true isn't it. when they say in life people come and go. some stay for a lifetime and some leave but with footprints embedded in your heart. why do they have to leave? [oh no..this leads to a question i do not like to ask-->why do people change?]. i know the answers all too well. well. yes, a phase of life. it happens; nothing new. but oh, who can prevent these silly thoughts. hmmmm. but these people who leave really do make a huge impact on your life don't you think. it was through my godbrother that i found one of my very very dearest friend, jennifer. i guess something good always come around yeahs.

i remember once i was telling nadia that i felt totally empty and ..and..out of place? it was because i have lost something. yes. lost. hmmmm. it was my ability to listen to people. not that i do not listen to people now. it's just that.. it's different now, compared to then. i can't say why for i myself can't understand. and last time i always new the right words to say to people to make them feel better. but now.. i don't know. it was as though god heard me? cos i remember i was talking to edna at that time. listening to her. and out of the blue.. i was able to give her, at least, some words of advice. hmmmm. i remember something nad said. something about.. maybe it's time for people to give me advice rather than i do the work. and yes maybe that's true. cos i exprienced more of that during the first three months. karen listened to me and gave me lots n lots of advice. but do you think it's all inside of me. i hope i haven't lost my touch. b/c.. it gives me the feel that.. at least there's something in this world that i can do.. at least i`m not useless.. sighs. i don't know. well don't get me wrong. i'm not depressed or anything. i'm just thinking. i'm fine actually. yeahs.
stumbled upon an amazing entry. gonna leave it here as i wanna read it some other time. http://www.bloopdiary.com/viewentry.php?id=1472&num=104
was smsing karen but guess she fell asleep. sighs. they went out today. i didn't. don't ask why? just didnt wanna go maybe? hmmm. was smsing tejay too. sighs. feel sad for him. just hope his efforts will not go wasted. that'll be even more painful. guess i'll go now.. and sleep for a while.. the reason i woke up was because of my stomach ache. feelin better already. going to school later for band. yeayness. lol. hope i'll have fun. heh. buhbyeeee bloggie =]

dreamer ♥ 6:46 AM

Friday, June 20, 2003

hey bloggie. you're lucky i'm not pissed off, cos i think i just lost a post? yup. it's gone, just like that. grr.. but i have time to kill so yeah i`m retyping what i just typed. lols. gonna make this fast so excuse all typos!
yesterday went to school for only two hours for chemistry lecture. darn boring. i didn't even understand anything. sighs. just sat there stared blankly and copied whatever that had to be copied. yeahs. after that went home straight. guai aye? lols. saw lings too! yeap. but she didn't have the ju-on ticket with her; it was in her locker. bleagh. hafta wait til next week. hehs. btw, they changed the venue of meeting joyce from JP to KAP. and i just didn't feel like going. maybe i was lazee? or maybe i just felt awkward going with them after not spending time with them in such a long time. but i feel bad. oh well. it's past anyway. just don't feel like thinking about anything now. yeap.

i had a boring afternoon? yeah. just came home. read storybook. slept. slacked. use computer. haha. actually a rather depressing afternoon really. maybe i was just bothered by the thoughts of the previous day. yeap. hmmmmm. came online with a heavy heavy heart. but got better after chatting a little with the band peepx. hmmmm. oh yes. i suggested having this icq chat thingy with edna. then later on invited clive and lings in. lols. my gawd. it was total madness? really it was. damn fun too!! heh heh.. became really high and so hyper. kept talking nonsense. hahahahaa. but i think clive was more on the high! *faints. too bad angel wasn't there. trust me, if she was, it would have been a total blast. haahhaa. i know edna and lings couldn't tolerate our nonsense. but oh well. it was just so much of fun!!! *yippie* heh heh. yeap. i really had loadsa fun? and felt soooooooo much better after all that laughter and craps. thankiew guys!!! *huggies.

after that one by one left. they had school the next day and i didn't *evil smirks* lol. heh. well i also had the sudden urge to start again with my website? yeah. did once before, but never completed it cos i think i didn't have the time. it's not like i have a lot of time now. it's just that i do not feel like doing my homework at all. totally no interest at all. yeahhh. well trynna give it a dreamy look hmm.. i don't know really. but i've planned out a lot of stuff. especially the one on myself. have yet to plan the shoutouts.but sighx? i really wish i had more knowledge on html and iframes. and also more programs? cos that way i would be able to create more things and thus my website would be more original. oh well i can only go on hoping about these stuff.

oh my my. i have been using the computer for a darn long time. notti me. bad bad. well after this post i`m gonna try out this new program i've downloaded. but it's only a trial. sighx. hmmm. then i'm gonna go back to reading my storybook. heh. i might not be able to come online in the night. maybe after 12? haha. cos i'm sure my sister would be using the computer. yeahs. must be fair. lols. ugh. hmmmmm. eating mango now. yum yum. sighx. but i want strawberries!!!!! haven't eaten then in a long long long long time! sobs. heh. *hint hint* (get me strawberries? ah haa. kiddin) chatting with edna now.. sighs.. okok haha.. i've got nothing important to say already. so i guess i'll stop here for now. take care ya'll!
//vicky*

dreamer ♥ 7:56 PM

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Color your soul with the people of the world.
Let love fly.
Have faith and never fear the journey that lies ahead,
For God will carry you in times of trouble.
Change the world and make a difference to all those around you
Bring out the best in the world and out of every heart you touch.
Never forget who you are, where you came from and why you're there.
Accumulate knowledge and inspire with passion.
Hold onto your dreams; never let the die. Dreams are yours to make happen.
And
Live God's gift to you to the fullest extent,
Let laughter escape from your smile,
Let joy erase your sorrows,
Let faith lift your spirit
And let love make your soul sing.
-Mary Jo A. Pham-

dreamer ♥ 5:23 PM

"you bleed just to know you're alive"

sighs. starting an entry with a sigh sure isn't good huh. just don't feel good now. has everybody's depression surfaced the pain i'm holding in my heart. maybe i'm thinking too much.and when you think a lot there are a lot of things that you'd rather not think about and there are things that make you worry and that make you sad. i do not like to think under such circumstances, but i guess i can't help it now.
all these feelings are just so familiar. i feel so numb to them. realised i haven't cried in a long while now. suppose to be good right. but some crying is good, sometimes. i think i'm lost. i really do not know what i've become now. i do not know what i'm doing. have i been ignorant to the people around me. why am i not spending time with lay karen hazel and mariam. i do not know really. can someone please tell me. it's too confusing. why did it all stop. i don't understand what has happened at all. i wanna know what went wrong. with me. why did i move away from them. i couldn't have changed right. what am i hiding from. or am i even hiding from anything. they are friends who care about me...whats wrong? why do i sometimes feel uncomfortable being with them? mind boggling.

it's like old times now isn't it. i don't communicate much with my family again. always out for school. and if my mom asks anything i'll answer her angrily. and i just don't get along with my brother and sister. but do i even want to? sometimes i just do not want to have anything to do with them. sometimes i just want to be alone. like now. how i wish my sister wasn't awake. (quit shouting you fcukin bitch) then i could dim the lights, listen to music, and cry in the corner of the room. it's so irritating to know that i've misplaced my penknife, ugh. sighs.

and then again comes my studies. i don't think i'll make it really. i totally do not have the mood to study. half the june holidays have gone. i need to study revise and practice, but honestly i don't think i'll do it. just look at me wasting time away using the computer. i just can't do it. i can't study. but i know i haven't tried yet either. but.. i just can't. really. i'm such a disappointment. i'm such a disappointment. i can get really disgusted with myself.

on top of it all lies the strains in my friendship with bingzhen. thinking about it just breaks my heart really. she means a lot to me. more than she'll ever know. i'll never do anything to hurt her. i still can't believe the words you've said. sighs. guess i just have to accept them. but i really pray things will get better. they will right? God, i hope you hear me now.

i lay here now cold and isolated. it's hard to keep going. and the thoughts still swirl inside my head..swirl until they're all mixed into a blackish blue color. it's ugly. kind of like a bruise. and i still am able to go to school and greet my friends with my plastered smile and fake enthusiasm. am i even being for real ? these thoughts don't go away. i guess the mind shuts out the pain, just like tj said. sighs. i wish he was online to talk to. sighs. it's really been long since i cried n bled. but i`m jux too tired to cry. i just can't seem to glue the pieces of myself back together.
i just feel so empty.
i know what it's like to want to die.
how it hurts to smile.
how you try to fit in but you can't.
how you hurt yourself on the outside
to try to kill the thing on the inside.

added:shuyun smsed me. *sobs* thankiew so much gurl? touched me heart. you remember me. smiles. i miss you. -hugs-

dreamer ♥ 1:38 AM

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

heyyy. good morning. the time now is actually 4:56am. i kind of made adjustments to my blog. the words especially. changed the midi, to mermaid's part of your world. too bad i couldn't find beauty and the beast wavs. well that's my favourite disney movie actually. love it to bits. i kind of found a new friend today, the same age as me. he's such a sweetie? yeah. and today, now, i feel so good being myself. i feel that inner peace. the feeling of dancing among the clouds. so gentle and carefree. completed the 100 words vocabulary thingy. i have school at 415 later on. thank god i can wake up in the afternoon. explains why i'm sleeping so extremely late. i just feel happy. forget those bombastic words. sometimes it's a blessing to be simple. all thanks, to the new friend i found today. my new inspiration. beautiful.
//vicky*

dreamer ♥ 5:03 AM

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

it's so silent now;how very peaceful indeed. -takes a moment to enjoy this moment-
today morning i woke up with all smiles knowing it would be a great day. my hopes must have been too high. was smsing bz about taking the test at 10, after bio lecture. and she flatly asked me to go ahead. i plainly asked why and she said that she can't make it then and asked me to take first. i felt rather irritated but kept my nerves together and said something like, well you could have just told me that earlier.. -stopped myself- and continued with i'll get back to youat 1pm, which is after chem lecture. yes, she somehow spoilt my morning. sighx.
in the bus to school, thoughts flooded my mind. as though i was writing an entry in my head itself. it was beautiful how i found the right words. everything fitted perfectly. i was, for once after a long time, able to express myself. but sadly, it was all just in my mind. here's what i remember from what i thought of.

how is it possible; when after all that you've been through, all those confusion you've overcame, all those battles you fought, and just when you thought that you're finally getting your life together again.. something just sprungs out of nowhere and destroys every little thing bringing you right back to square one, where you started. and it seems as though history repeats itself. it sure is no fun at all. it's horrible, the feeling. somehow i feel that i really do not deserve this? i don't think i deserve to be treated this way. and it just leads me to wonder, where and what have i done wrong to you, bz? how could you ever think of me as such ? it's disgusting, honestly. when all i ever wanted was the best for you. but now you see me as one who shuns you. it's sad really. maybe you never meant to say those words. maybe they were just an emotional rush. but you do know those words can never be taken back.. i've actually grown out of being so fragile.. but now i feel so broken.. it's as though what we had in our friendship meant nothing at all to you. that's... scary.. sighx. this is bad but now i wonder why i held on to the friendship back in secondary school when we were separated into different classes in sec3. i think i feel.. empty.. are you being ignorant? i hope not.

i was on my way to school alone. i like it that way actually. it's a period of time i get to sit and think about my life and the things around me. and it feels good to go to school actually. and see my friends. i love that atmosphere.. its the colours they add to my days that brightens me up.. oh man, i'm being so dreamy now. heh. well had bio lecture in the morning. after that was doing some work in the library. talked to karen for a while. found out that bz's the secretary in exco for art. congrats to her. she didnt even bother to tell me huh. =s wasn't paying any attention during chem as i didn't bring any notes. i was busy reading harry potter. after that went to take the bio test. on the way there i just walked on my own. she was walking with her classmates. it's not like i didn't try talking to her? something got me quite pissed? the teacher came out with 3 papers so went back to take one more for me. so bz being kind passed me hers and asked me to take it, i gave it back to her sayin it's alright and she brushed it back to me so harshly?! i was like wtf?! i felt really.. ARGH! i did my paper quietly and after she collected i took my bag and left. i think it's so fcked up. why the hell is she behaving this way? ya, ok. i can be understanding ya know? i'm not all that cruel? i can understand you're not ok? but i think there's also a limit to one's understanding. man, it's horrible trust me. you don't wanna be in my position. and somehow now, i'm kind of avoiding her. i think she is to? well she's not interested in any conversation with me at all, that sure is obvious. i'm not daft ya know.

spend some time in the computer lab. ate some stuff and had sat course. it was boring as usual. i read harry potter all the way heh. planning on finishing it today, hopefully. well. tomorrow i'm not going for maths lect in the morning cos it's the make up lecture for 1st 3 mths. so only hafta go to school in the afternoon. yeap. saw jem today before his phy camp thingie. passed him the money. poor guy sitting alone in the canteen heh. if i am not wrong he was copying something lols. notti notti. heh. after the course i rushed home. and now i`m updating. nothing much. can't believe i actually missed smallville friends and alias yesterday. damned. oh well. i have got hmwk to do. and i will do them today. guess i'll sleep late. hehx. shall end here for now. =)
//vicky*

dreamer ♥ 8:48 PM

Hello!! I can finally update. i wanted to do so much earlier? but was caught up with all the chatting in irc. heh. rae was online! lols. and we changed our nicks to RaEm0niA and ViCk0niA. lols. thankiew angel for the trumpet pic! saw the uploaded pictures of angel's too. so nice! heh. If only i had a camera too? bleagh.
well i got ready to go to school at around 12+ when karen called to tell me that my SAT course is only at 4:15pm? omg lohs. i had so much time to kill. so what did i do? i read through all the log files in irc..the ones i chatted with him hee. too bad don't have the icq ones? but yeah. they still stay in my memory. lols. *grin* went school and met up with elis wendelin hasvany and yani! heh. ate some of their food. hehx. i saw karen bingzhen and lay in a distance? yeah. =the SAT course was boring? lols. was attentive for a while, then switched off. just talked and lazed around. heh. really boring. yeap.
after the course ended followed elis to her house to borrow the Harry Potter book! heh. finally i get my hands on a storybook. it's been really long since i last read. yeap, been that busy man. phew. then after that went with yani to the market to find the sweater? but the lavendar blue colour wasn't there. and i didn't like the shade of green! how very sad! sighx. heh. so i went home from there. was really hungry so i bought a couple of things to eat with the 5 bucks that i initially wanted to save. sighx. this week i really need to save money! this june hols actually heh. very very important.
slept when i came home. was having a little headache. yeap. woke up around 9+ and i came online. ahhh.. i`m slacking and i hate it. but i don't know how to self discipline myself. shucks. i mean yar, i have to do it. really need to work and buck up and study cos there's not much time left. sighx. i better try to start tomorrow. oh man. this is horrifying. heh. well, wasted so much time today? but i really enjoy chatting with the band members. heh. but i guess i have to set some priorities straight. should study and do hmwk first next time. shall try that tomorrow. hee.
well tried talking to bingzhen in msn, but to no avail? i can sense her high reluctance in even talkin online. my gawd. how am i gonna talk to her tml? we're suppose to take the test together. oh well. i'll just try to be my normal self. i don't know what else to do. just giving her time for now i guess. -shrugs-
now i'm gonna go off.. gonna read through my bio notes once through.. heh.. then i better get some sleep.. tml i will be in school for the whole day.. real sucky.. only get to go home at around 615. really sucky. yuck. can't believe this. sighx. oh well. jc life aye. heh. better get going! :)
//vicky*

dreamer ♥ 1:28 AM

Monday, June 16, 2003

In the Morn [saturday]
i overslept! shucks! had to pack everything quickly and rushed off to school! bz overslept too! so we decided to meet in th canteen. she arrived around 9 and we went to take the bio test that we missed at 8. however the teacher we can take it on tuesday?! lols. well that's good. means that i'll have more time to study? haha. hopefully she doesn't change the paper or anything but we have a feeling she will. rushed off to JP to change the padding for my court shoes. came back to school and polished our instruments. rae helped me with mine heh. bingzhen and i went to the rooftop cafe together with angel ling and fifi. somehow i think that'll be like one of the last time i get to spend time with these people..like just casually sitting down to eat. sighx.

before the memoir
we had our final rehearsal at LT5. got to see the powerpoint slides for wizard of oz! prettiful. heh! clive and i were humming the tune for somewhere over the rainbow! man, i love that song too! hee! then when the witch's pic came i said it was me; cos my laughter' witchy? then he say it's a guy..so ok la. ha. then ya know what he said. something about replacing the w with b! walau! -.-" see i told you these people are just so cruel! lols. my gawd. horrible! after rehearsal went to change into our black attire. hmmm, she was putting up makeup? a lot of stuff? i wonder why? then had dinner. shared with rae cos didn't really feel like eating. after that we went to help to put up the banner. tiring? finally decided it hang it outside? cos there wasn't a suitable place inside the LT. i had to run to and fro to get stuffs. in the end decided to take off my shoes cos it's easier to run that way. exhausting. i saw some newtowners. oh yeah. ya know at one point bz and i had a weird conversation. she asked me to go with rae..then i was like..and leave you alone? and she said..kind of softly.. ya as usual?.. my gawd. i heard it definitely. but pretended not to. just looked else where pretending to be occupied. i swear i could have stared her straight in the eye. sighx. disappointing. i wrote a message for the trumpeters on the sheet of paper pasted on the wall. oh yes, angel gave me this very pretty deepink starfish shaped thing. it's really pretty and deeppink is fav shade of pink. thanks a lot gurl. and also edna gave me a pink rose. she said it was the only pink? yeah! lucky? hee! thanks so much kaes? ya'll wouldn't know mcuh i appreciate these kinda stuff. *hugs* thanks km for that photoframe too! hee.
memoir 8
and so the concert began. we weren't exactly that good in the 1st half? but yah. we were alright i guess. seemed like a lot of my juniors like wizard of oz. they like the idea of the ppt slides too. *smiles* i`m glad we played wizard of oz quite properly. heh. i played the right notes for the first time haha. hurray for me! =)
during the interval met lay joyce mariam and nora outside the LT. i was so happy to see nora. so so so happy. hehx. nora was my bestest buddy back in sec sch. well she still is to me, even though we aren't close anymore. saw jane and the rest too heh. it was so surprising! czm and kenneth came too! lols! so glad to see them, especially kenneth! hee! missed him so much! hee. he's grown much taller! eediot! heh! i`m still soooo short. bleagh.
it was so cool to see how loved the seniors are..being showered by presents.spend some time by helping clive delete some of the photos in his digi cam.i think the ensembles went great.twinkle twinkle went "quite" ok. heh. tried my best to hit those notes. i liked the blinking lights part heh. i think it's really adorable. then it was hanukkah! yeay! it was good! lols. yeay. hee. hmmm.. after that was tintin. haix. i screwed up the solo. couldn't pitch the note. haix. sadness. but what's done is done right. but of cos i wasn't happy about it either? yah. at least they were encouraging. i don't care - the 2nd stand is booked by me; after the seniors leave. heh. poor clive, had to play with his bad bad ulcer. sighx. hmmmm.. i`m glad he played his solo well heh. the audience were screamin for him even wishin him happy bday? damn cool. glad tt we actually played mag 7 properly?! hahahaa. power. hee.
after the concert
clive teared? i think for edna's solo or something yeah.. but wow.. it was such an emotional moment ya know. i have that scene captured in my mind. *smile. mr koh talked to us. after that went back to the band room. well i wasn't in a good mood? yah. so i actually kept walking up n down. helped percussion too, as i had nothing else to do. my hp batt went flat that i couldn't even switch it on. so i had nobody to talk to? sighx. how horrid. rae came in with a very long face? it was obvious that she was so close to tears. so scary. i couldn't do much. just patted her head and told her nott to cry. when i had nothing else to do. i joined her at the benches outside and stoned with her. it was so sad to see tears running down her cheeks. wiped the away. sighx. she said that i've seen her cry too many times and she should kill me. lols. :) well didn't ask her to tell me what's wrong. jux tried to cheer her up. but eventually found out that it was b/c her friends jux left after the concert, and she was very disappointed. Especially her ex..didn't say hi or anythin. sigh. had to settle down in the band room. lil presents were given to the ex seniors who put in so much effort for this memoir. heh. thankiew guys. i think the she had a crush on him before, cos she was teased openly bout it. -.-" haix. rae said that the highlight of the day for her was the banner making haha. silly girl.(oh no, edna's line haha.)
then it was the announcement for the future leaders. i was like hoping for it all to end quickly cos i wanted to go home.. and suddenly i heard my name?! like what the..?!! *oh my gawd* i was chosen for welfare! sheesh!The guy's Ce Rong! Yah. We took photos together. Bleagh. Sighs. I didn't how to react? Had to say sth, didn't know what to say? So i repeated after edna : i'll make ya'll happy? nonsense lohs hahaha.. =P the vice president is JiaMao! told clive that it was a very wise choice. clive said he's a very smart boy, and that he looks very highly on him. cool. =) i wonder who's gonna be the pres? oh yes, rae got treasurer and yikling got a post too.. can't remember? heh. maybe jux too tired to recall now. after tt had a somewhat photo taking session. didn't get a chance to take with each of my seniors? sighx. have once last chance during farewell heh. then zhe chao just had to say sth like.. cant see me in the dark blabla..when i hhelped them to take a picture sth like tt la.. grr..he just had to right?!!!! arse. sighx. not tt i hate it? jux don't i think deserve this kind of comments? i'm also human? used to take this kind of stuff as jokes. i might then, but i'll brood over it later.
after that went to watch a midnight movie with a whole bunch of ppl. like Clive, Angel, Ling, Edna, Jem, FiFi, ZheChao, WanQi, Jeremy, Jia Mao, Wenting also i tink?, KitMun, Bz and XinPei. Yar. watched Ju-On. nosense la actually. Didn't understand the story at all? Lols. was like laughing only a lil scary? Not what i expected. Quite boring at times. after the movie we were like wishin clive happy birthday. angel n edna went on like non stop. haha. so cute. hehx. took a cab and went home together with Jem and ChaiLing. =). at least it was a beautiful end. i still came online? heh. found out tt clive actually walked home? power lohs. ahah.

sunday
woke up in the afternoon arnd 12. didn't go for tuition. how can i right? impossible heh. poor vP's sick, since yest.. and he didn't go out? awww..and his ulcer's very bad now..jux hope he recovers soon; need to study for mid yr which is aft june hols. i have to go to school on monday for SAT course in the afternoon. ugh. i better study tml for that bio test. slacked today. slept again in the afternoon and woke up late evening. haha. tired lahs. really. hmmm.
well got really hurt when i read bz's latest entry. ya. cant believe that she thinks i'm happily off with my new friends. aren't you off with your new friends? so only when you're new friend isn't with you, you think that i've left you? ever gave a thought to what i felt when u left with your friend? i'm jux quite frustrated how she can just say things w/o thinking. sighx. it's sad really. who said i don't bother? i do, i really do. "i dun think u even honestly cared... not even as a friend..." this line was honestly hurting. it broke my heart, yes it did. it's horrible. i feel disgusted reading it. i can't believe it's coming from you. you're one of my angels? oh my. i'm in disbelief really. sighs. talked to edna about it. just felt so terrible. =(. guess i have to talk to her about it? but i don't know if i will actually. sighx. i'm tired. tired of everything. tired of life. tired of trying.
huge sighx.... "if you only knew that i`m crazy for you, then you'd understand. if i only knew what you're going through, then i'll understand" - gil feat the moffatts..
if only he knew..
//vicky*

dreamer ♥ 2:55 AM

Sunday, June 15, 2003

Band camp
wed :: i was allocated in a room with the girls of my section and some from saxophone section. after lunch there were games. they were fun. but very tiring cos we had to keep running here and there. but my group wasn't that enthu. in the beginning it was only me and regina running around trying to find the station. and nurni and wee kiat would take their own sweet time to get there. lol. but yeah i was cool with it. still remember jem happily hiding behind the tree! so hard to find it lohs. haha. chailing's station was to eat bananas! aiyox!after a while yin han was also more enthu and started running around with us. heh. after a while all were running la, cos we happened to be the last group? chi's station very lame lohs! HAHA. oh my gawd! clive's one quite cool. had to sing part of mfaf then count the number of pots? walau. then we didn't get the right number so had to write out the alphabet with our butts. cruel! hmmph! lol. i saw the video of it later in the band rm after the games. it was really funny. toward's the end i became really tired and worn out. heh. but luckily we weren't the last group? hEh! *grin* but the position don't matter as long as we have fun yeahs! hee. can't recall what happened during sectionals? should have been fun la right haha. slacked around during dinner with rae yikling and anlin. we had our combine in LT5. it was so cold! but if i ain't wrong we sounded good. heh. this was the only night i think i played my best? haha. while everyone was having their supper we went to bathe. ate cup noodles cos we were really hungry. wanted to study but couldn't? that night while everyone in my room was asleep, except angel who was still out, i was writing the leetle note to my section members. heh. didn't finish though yah. oh yes, on wed clive was having a very very bad day. early in the morn already he kept sayin f*up? sighx. and during the combine, he was so quiet? at one moment he said he wanted to go out, looked like was gonna break down. extremely scary. i jux hope he didn't. man. he went home that night. yah. but he said he wanted me to play the tintin solo that day? *omg* -faints-

thurs :: the sectionals on the 2nd day was just TOO long! very very tiring. practice for a very long time til i couldn't pitch anymore. so bloody tiring. the highlight of the second day was dinner!! we had steamboat! wow! heh! the seniors really put a lot of effort in preparing for us the stuffs! thankiew lots guys! well, it was a wonderful dinner! and the last dinner that we're having together as a band.ms lim said clive's mom really helped a lot too. yeap. i loved the steamboat a lot really. cooked and cooked and cooked. haha. the people around my area were all very enthusiastic in cooking! just sooo fun! heh! we fried almost everything? and in the end put all the balanced stuff in the soup! hahaas! didn't know angel loved chicken so much?! ahahaha! so farnie. cooked chicken fer her chailing edna clive.. got give jem also.. aiyah.. it's the least i do could do fer my seniors right.. heh heh.. me and rae rushed off after dinner to bathe.. well combine was rather fun this time cos clive was in a better mood? yah? so he was crazy. but better than being quiet and down yah. heh. :) there was suppose to be movie screening but everyone was caught up in preparing for the memoir. like the sars free stickers, banner(prettiful), reserved tags, the footprints and so on. hahaa. that night played the hong kong game! it was like ULTRA fun lohs! i laughed my heart out man! hahaahaa..! til my tummy ached! ahahaahaha! loved it lots! heh! later, went to the Lt5 and stoned there. there were stars at the brim of the stage! so pretty! hehx! oh yes, i gave out the lil notes too hehx. hope they liked it.
oh yes, something happened in the dorm yah and it's as though they suspected that me and rae were the criminals? but rae felt more of it. yeah. sighx. it was irritating. it didn't take us long to see them in a different light. but yah, not for too long yah. heh. that night we slept together with yikling in her dorm on the floor. heh. realised the nxt morn that they actually screened ice age! i've watched it before.. but it's really funny! heh heh.. heard people slept halfway through it. lols. everyone's tired la ah.
actually i do not want to forget this 2nd day of camp. felt that i really kind of bonded together with my section during the combine somehow. heh. everyone was kinda hyped up hee. so happy. :)

fri :: woke up really late around 8!. almost everyone woke up late! heh. had one slice of bread for breakfast. we had rehearsal again in the morn at lt5. previously i had to pass clive my scores for ms lim what. then during the emsembles (rehearsal) she was like talkin to me, then say ms yamuna told her that i`m very talented in dancing?! nonsense lohs. puhlease man. ugh. haha. we also got mini torchlights for twinkle twinkle little star! what a cue idea! heh! we were to on n off our torches like blinking stars! heh! cute right ;) actually i wasn't exactly in a good mood then? yah. cos i felt just so disappointed in myself. oh yes i remember why now. it was because the wizard of oz sounded horrible! the 1st! like oh my gawd lohs. so i hurried through my lunch and went to the band room to practice. yar. after that went to pack up and assembled in the band room. after keeping our instruments we settled down. and this came as a total shock. we had to vote for the future leaders of the band lohs? like what the? so fast?!!!!! sighz. i didn't want to lohs. haix. =\ oh well, i anyhow vote ah. lols. found out that kit mun had to solve some of her gd friends' problems, which was why she hasn't been talking much throughout the camp. well, at least she told me :) hee.after being dismissed we stacked up the chairs and cleaned up the band room.
xin pei bingzhen and i went to get the banner from the classroom. had to tear away all the newspaper and throw them. carried the papers paints and brushes back first. guess we scared the committee members? lols. cos when we suddenly opened the door to put our stuff in they screamed?! i guess they were counting the votes or something. yar. then we went back to arrange the tables and chairs. brought the banner back and later the mattresses. luckily the committee members went elsewhere for their meeting. then xinpei and bingzhen did the banner. i just lied down and tried to study my bio, but dozed off a little? haha. after which bingzhen and i practiced wizard of oz. when the exco came back they took a committee photo with the banner. yar. then after that all of us went home. helped bingzhen to carry her steamboat stuffiex. both of us took a cabbie home. slept and woke up in the night. went online. haha.
a number of people were in angel's house doing the powerpoint slides like edna,jem,chailing,clive and dunno who else ah. but yah. then angel and clive really evil leh! everytime also bully me one! boohoo! cos i don't wanna play that tintin solo cos i know cannot make it one. haha. then they say they'll stare at me if i don't play cos it'll be silent what. grr. there was a bio test the next morn and clive happily type in caps with so many exclamation marks saying i`m gonna fail lohs. violent leh. piang. even angel say he speak so violent to me. hurmph! bai chi. haha. yaaaa. nothing much ah. just chat n chat n chat with the band members. hmmm i`ll end here for now. will have to make a new post for the memoir. this is too long already heh. laters.
//vicky*

dreamer ♥ 2:07 PM