...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

gee. i didn't realise it's already 130. heh. well today was a brighter day. even though i did sleep a lot today. finished reading the storybook today. it's very very nice. think i wanna read it again. heh. -grinnn- was discussing bout the bintan camp with jiamao just now. it was just so funny. aye. all the excitement's building up now haha. there's a briefing tml at noon in school. after that would be going ta jp with rae; need ta get some stuff. haven't packed yet though. but i've roughly planned stuffs. heh. -smiles- i've grown to be sucha pig! lol. hope will be able to survive in the campin environment now. lol. mmmm. and today's cool actually. caught up with so many people? like weeteng and yeting? was sooo happy to chat with them in msn just now that i went toally berserk! lols. funny funny. heh. chatted with chua too. and dah's friend matthew, he's pretty cool. hah. ta sum it all up, did lots of sleepin readin and chattin today. heh. oh yeah, my sister's really really really sick. her temp's super high. sigh feel really bad fer her? (even tho i dont quite like her, but she's still blood) yeah she doesnt get sick often but when she does it's bad and this time, worse. sigh. prays she'll get well soon. her exams are around the corner if i ain't wrong. alrights. think i should go and sleep now. can't wait ta go ta school tml. heh. been quite some time. -smiles-

dreamer ♥ 1:35 AM

Monday, October 13, 2003

i don't remember much of what happened today. watched two movies. chicago was one of 'em. it was really good. loved the songs a lot. yeah. and i read. and i had a break down. that's what i want to write about today. before that i had some deep feelings. funny how i can write poems when i'm sad,frustrated and just. well i was just very sad at some cold treatment i received yesterday. and it triggered my thoughts to reflect on the life i've led so far. i honestly cannot believe a year has passed. but well, i don't usually reflect at this time of the year. it's usually december, before a new year begins. but like i've said, it's been triggered.
was just thinking about the people in my life. the people that have meant a great deal, who are now nothing but memories. people who have gone out of reach and people who are now. or rather; friends. i hate it, how they can just come into your life, turn everything rightside up and just walk away leaving footprints in your heart. and these memories you never want to let go. afraid that you'll be left with nothing. only a void which you can't quite comprehend. let me see.
firstly there's shuyun chua and yilin. last yr..sec5.sec4.sec3. the three closest friends of mine from band. we used to be so close. we used to share so much. we used to talk so much. but we only used to. shuyun was in my section. we do still talk and i'm grateful for that. yilin.. ya know. she used to be the only one in my life who could made me smile no matter what. be it sorrow or anger, she just had it in her to pull a smile across my face; and i miss that. we did share some great times. if i ever think, what's a friendship without any disputes. i mean it's only through one that both grow stronger and mature and treasure that bond more -- i think of yilin. yeah, we have actually cried tears and laughed together. we've been there to each other. but there's this vacuum between us now. and i find it very hard to reach her. sometimes i have to choose my words, what to say to her. and it's all online. or just merely through smses like with others. well we did quarrel, chua and i. what can i say, guess we both were blinded by ignorance and outright stupidity. but it had all been cleared. and silence lies between us. i've never heard from her at all. but grateful she does forward to me emails. at least i do exist in her thoughts in one way. we used to be so close..with band. just because we're not in band together, does that mean we can't be together still, like good ol' times. or is it just me. is it because i've gone to jc, different from ya'll, this happened?
(oh the next one can really make me burst into tears)
weilun. -huge sigh- where do i even begin. the closest i was to back then. everything and anything we shared. yet now, i ponder that i even exist in your world. your world, now filled with ignorant cruelty. i'm dumbfounded. i tried my best to give you what you wanted. made sure you laughed more than you cried. always there when you needed me. helped you up when you were down. forever encouraging you. never ever giving up hope on you when everyone else had. i believed in you. i helped you with her. no, i don't ask for your sympathy, i don't want your thank yous. i don't want anything. i just can't see how you can forget all that ive done for you. did they mean nothing to you at all? yeah, people warned me not to care too much for you. do you think i listened? people told me all kind of things about you, cos they cared for me. it was like i was killing myself at times worrying for you. like the time you made me tear when you wandered aimlessly in the streets in the mornings. having quarrels with your dad. your... your mom... when she was sick.... -sigh- how can you even forget? i can't, even if i want to. for you've engraved your name in my heart and it cannot be erased. but i wouldn't want to anyways. all i wanted was for you to be happy and and.. just not become who you are now. and look how distant you are from me. just.. out of reach. yeah i do remember the times you said we must keep in contact when i've gone to jc..... but i don't think you do anyway. you never had a good memory anyway. wonder why you passed such empty words my way, when they just exist as meaningless ones now. sighhhhhhh.
these four friends of mine played a big big big part in my life. but there are indeed people whom i still have. like azlindah. i'm thankful she still remembers me. and jennifer. who's so far away, but still close at heart. nadia bingzhen. i can't let my past go. how do you move on. yeah i mean these people sure have moved on, but how can i? i can't. maybe i can, but i'll carry them with me. i can't just leave these memories behind. even though i've lost them in reality i wouldn't want to in my dreams. i know you have to pick up the pieces and move on. but i can't. how can you when you know they've played a big part in your life. is it really possible. i can move on. yes i can. but there'll be days like today; and history will repeat itself. anyway there's nothing i can do now.
let's look at the present. . . .
i have the four girls in jj.. lay yam karen haze.. they are there waiting to embrace me. however unwilling to accept their sweet embrace. yar i'm with them and all. but unconciously i've actually drawn an imaginary line between me and them. why i do not know. maybe of fear. fear of many things. acceptance and rejection. (but why,when you already know they except you for you,what are you really afraid of..) i don't know. i guess it's just uncomfortable to be exposed then you'll start to feel open and insecure. because people can read you ( like you are now ). joyce..in nj.. i somehow believe that joyce is actually the heart of this circle of friends. yeahs,i really do. and then i go on to find clive to be the elder brother i never had. slowly i found dear edna to be that loving sister, i never had and people like lings angel zan whom i'd know are there. i found raemarie too. -grin- but i always told myself its scary. seniors. they'll be leaving soon now. leaving. would that mean another turn in this friendship i have with 'em. would it mean another growth of void. another..loss? another distance. i shall think no further, for only time can tell. and i do not ask of any answers my dears. -smiles-
then i have jasmin. i call this friendship of ours unique cos it didn't start out well. i didn't like her for who she was. but she's changed tremendously and it amazes me. and i really accept her for who she is now. none is perfect anyway. we don't share too much but yeah. and yeah there's anisah and nazreen too and others too... [you cant expect me to name everybody now..]
no i'm not confused. neither am i exactly looking for answers for every question that i've raised. but is this life. is this the way it has got to be. i don't not want it to as such, and that's my choice. but does my choice even matter? so what if i vow to keep this strong, but the other doesn't and dismisses it like a passing statement. and would the found of the new result in the loss of the old? or maybe it's just me (like it always is).. just giving friendship a greater importance in my life, because they are my immediate family..just giving it a deeper meaning. b/c i just don't share that kinda love with my family. -nope-
this loss caused the tears tonight.
wonder why, in my life, people leave and never stay.
and i've nothing more to say.

dreamer ♥ 2:59 AM

Sunday, October 12, 2003

heyyys. today has been a fairly alrights day. i survived it at least. watched two movies. and rotted online. yeaps. read a lil of the storybook. yeah the one clive lend me. still have yet to complete it because of the studies. will be going with my classmates fer a movie on monday. heh. can't wait. was suppose to chill with the girls today at holland v but couldn't make it. and my eczema's bad bad bad cos of all the stress i went through. it's really bad. siggghhh. and i have to go to bintan. man suddenly dont feel like going cos of it. so sickening. sigh. horrid. somebody just kill me or something.
anyways was very hyper earlier on. after feelin bored. heh. mmmm. talked to czeem jiajun bz and shuyun. miss my friends so much. yeahhhh. well. -smiles- i hope everything will be alrights fer everybody. hiaks. going off now. gonna watch the match. maybe i'll read after that. i don't know. sighs. goodbye now.

dreamer ♥ 12:44 AM