...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, December 27, 2003

*screams* oh my gawwwwddd!! do you like know what's the time now?! 5:13am!! and i'm still awake! oh noooo.. and i've got to wake up in like another three hours time to get read for band! hahaa.. but i went to bed at around 2+ and tossed and turned for like two damned hours till i gave up! so i came online and wrote a few testimonials! haha.. mmmm.. the day was boring? totally! eeek. woke up like super super super late. you're really gonan call me a pig if you know what time i woke up! hahas. just saw stacie's i promise video on mtv.. am i slow? haha haven't been watching mtv for quite some time now..
the only entertainment for the day is sleep, tv, and this computer. nothing else! actually i was thinkin of doing a little hmwk.. at the back of my head.. but after taking my bath i just fell asleep! haha.. definitely turning into one big fat pig man. alrights. in the night got entertained by this uhm, entertainer? (piggie you know who ah. cannot use name already LOL.) yeahs and also of cos by my dear piggie! i missed you lohs! nobody to crap with me one.. haha.. -big smiles- mmmm.. some funny shit happened? totally lame! oh well.. -shakehead- think i might be going for the SA concert..it's free! haha.. but i'm not sure.. see if siyi's going.. if i'm not going for that.. prolly would go meet az somewhere andjust bum.. havent seen her in ages.. think ame went fer her bbq today rights? heh hope ya'll had fun. didn't feel like going though. my mom has given me money for cutting my hair and buying a new bag~ yeayyy!! oh and i had a weird dream about my mom's mom earlier in the night. freakkyy. sighs. but oh well. -shrugs it away-
ok this i gotta say. yt is so freakin slow?! today only he knows im the welfare officer together with cerong! -faints- omg loh. haha. wonder if he has finished doing our gifts. lol. i tried not to talk to much to hari, that online friend of mine.. kidna really weird yar? hope he isn't falling for me or anything. online relationships just don't work for me i guess? i don't know. just alls too weird. yeaps. anyhoo, did lotza blog reading today. and it's fun how i always have people to add to my list whenever i go on friendster. it sure has been long since i last went there. what ta do. the server's just so slow at times. haha. eeek! im startin ta get tired! goodie! like finally.. alrights! shall hit da sack now.. tatas!

dreamer ♥ 5:15 AM

Friday, December 26, 2003

covered with a long dark coat, walking down the street. listening to the tingling sound of wind chimes, chatterings of people in their cosy homes, rustling of the leaves. a light breeze playing with her hair. but listen closely and you'll hear its breathing. like a hush. a whisper. the kind you only hear when the lights are out. sitting in the park. carefully removing the sheltered pieces of the mind. watching. thinking. waiting. thoughts just flowing like there's no end. no boundary. the lamplights start to flicker with the tick ticking of the second hand. and she catches sight of someone in black. someone who looked too much like her....
ahhh.. that was some total crap don't you think. had a block. can't write properly. but that particular moment of night .. it was just so beautiful. it's not often that the chilly wind can make your hairs stand, and at the same time, love it. gee. serendipity was a nice movie. sighs. i was thinkin what will happen wanted me to see a psychiatrist. things will get worse? it'll only make me feel worse, though it is to help me. sigh sigh. just keepin my fingers crossed and hope my mom won't even ask. anyway i was writing down stuff just now with red inky pen.. and it just seemed as though i was writing with blood. -.- and i had to come across a blogskin titled suicide note. ya know the hardest thing is when, you wanna do it, but you can't. you just can't.
please, tell me where it all ends.
im sorry dear.. it never ends.

dreamer ♥ 3:07 AM

Thursday, December 25, 2003

hey. i woke up pretty early today. but stayed in bed for a long time though. dad was drunk. well, my anger kinda freaked me out? it's like my anger has no limit.. it's like getting out of control. very terrible really. i don't know what to do. i hate the way it is, that there's nothing i can cept to tear. yeah, i did so for a while. watched harriet the spy while i had my breakfast. after that i slept. didn't get up till my sister and brother left. didn't want to get into any kind of trouble with her. am really hating her. yeaps. they're going to my uncle's house and later my sister's friend's house. of course i wouldn't wanna go with them. -shakehead- sighs. been thinking a lot lately. but what, i just don't know.
kept myself occupied with happy tree friends just now. got a shocking news in the morning. my darling godsister ran away from home. think since ytd? not sure. and her parents didn't even bother to call her. im pissed with her parents for that. irritating. can't believe them. ugh. and she told me she tried a puff? my gawd. what was i to do. sigh. well maybe i thought it would help her, so i told her what i was going through. and she said she's sorry for she didn't know my problem's bigger than hers. well i don't need her apology really. but i was wondering. is my problems really that bad? sigh. i guess it is. oh and i was quite angry with my mom but i don't blame her. she had to tell her friend about me, and her friend said i might have a psychology problem. irritating. yar k fine. im crazy. hmmph. anyway, God please take care of dah. im thinkin how it would be to smoke.. hmmmm....
was looking back into the past two years on xmas day. in 2001, nothing much but i got to spend time with my darlin godbrother. last year xmas eve was fun. but the events that followed weren't. the misunderstanding between chua and i. i remember the closing of a chapter. then i thought to myself. maybe christmas.. just isn't for me. i shouldn't be too happy about christmas next time.
i'm alone at home today on this rainy evening, spending christmas all by myself.
there's nothing more to say. sighs.
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

ha.. im violent.. ha.

dreamer ♥ 7:03 PM

HOHOHOOOO!! MERRY XMAS!!!!!!!!!
heheehe.. so happy lol.. well i was saying that nobody invited me out.. well this guy did. and he apparently turned out to be naz's (newtown) pri sch friend.. lol! known him for about four months already. haha. but too bad. cos i don't have his number or anything and he went offline. he has mine though. but it's ok. lol, another time perhaps. but i did go out of course! haha. don't think i'd wanna spend my xmas eve at home rotting. yeaps i went out with my dear piggie. was quite tired cos i slept at 3am! or make it 3++ cos i was tossing and turning in bed. haha. yeaps.
so met her in the train at dover. i reached just in time man.. hurray! wasn't late for once after so long.. haha.. well we walked around at far east.. didn't see much bags! how sad man! darn it. heh heh. saw lotza cool clothing. but only see see? yeaps.. ate at long john silvers. think we were pretty evil? kept commenting at everybody. well not practically everybody lar. we're not that evil! haha. oh guess what! first i saw weiwen! then was just waving waving.. then scream!! i saw desiree!!! LOL.. so happy? hahaha.. got a hug from her! awww.. so sweet, thanks gurl.. heh. think i saw may chua too? dont know lar. we walked at the heeren shops too. think far east was much more entertaining though heh. some people the way they dress ah.. really cmi man. seriously. so young, but trynna look old. haah. and some look so.. omg over dressed. haha. didn't buy any of the xmas hat thingies fer my brother this year. heh. piggie and i bought hairbands for ourselves. think the only think we bought were those? haha.. pathetic. nvm, im saving for my bag. lols. wonder if i`ll ever get one. darn it i NEED one man! haaha.. and yeahhh.. i wanna watch that new movie that's comin up.. ya know that doggie one? it's SO cute!! remember seeing those dog stuff toys at fareast.. SO CUTE! i like the bulldog!!! hahahahaa!!! mmmm..
very fun lar huh today.. laughed a lot and all.. in the end met up with piggie's sister.. she's so small size! and skinny too! but very sweet! yeaps.. heh.. yeay.. last yr spent my xmas eve with chua yun and lin.. the three closest friend.. this yr spent it with one of my closest friends too.. very happy.. -big smiles-
also received cards from michelle.. bingzhen of cos!! heh.. desiree.. and also one from laimeng.. thanks for the smses guys.. yeaps.. heh.. just finished crapping with that yin tat.. silly guy.. sayin his hair now like prisoner? hahah funny funny.. ytd ginny and siyi today him and siyi again wuahhahaha.. best.. -shakehead- crappy people.. all of you enjoy your xmas yar.. must stay happy kaes.. keep that big smile on yer face ! -huggles all of you-

dreamer ♥ 1:35 AM

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

well you can say im feelin so much more better now? as in im crapping like hell and laughing like mad.. feel really hyper and happy.. all thanks to ginny.. the both of us were crapping like non stop man.. really enjoy talking to her.. oh and i have added someone.. wuhahaaha.. yippie.. only piggie know aye? haha! -grinnnnn- too bad you don't have the AHEM one ah? lol.. oh my its xmas eve today? gee.. so fast? i've got no plans for today. like how sad nobody invited me out. well yes maybe one, but for dance practice? hell no, im not going for that. haha. -smiles- oh and i actually told my mom i cut with pencil. gee, feel bad fer lying to her but hey dont wanna hurt her anymore. anyway you'd have realised that my chatbox is gone.. im using haloscan now yeah! hee hee.. laters ;)

dreamer ♥ 12:19 AM

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

added:: my mom came up to me again and ask if it bcos of the fight i and my sister had the other day. well since she gave me reason, i didn't deny. lol. she was saying if people from school find out they'll tell MOE and i`ll have to go for counselling. well okok i love my mom but i just don't like all this. yeahs. it's not done to hurt her or anything. it's not her fault. it's just me. it's just my escape. -smiles- i feel better. for now at least. poor mom of mine. she'll be worrying about me for next few weeks or so. sighs.
pissed pissed pissed pissed pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stupid stupid stupid STUUUUPID brother of mine had to tell my mother about my scars on my arm. fucking fucking shit. and she starts the whole shit thing again. i handled it of cos. saying they're old marks. I HATE MY BROTHER. I HATE MY MOTHER. hating all of them. fucking hell. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE lar. what's their problem. irritating. now she'll keep bugging me about it. wow. look at this. look. now there's NOTHING in this world that i can do by myself. NOTHING i can do without people knowing. WTF. i want to cry. now what? i can't cut anymore? i can't bleed it all away. so what am i to do? i do not know of another release. another escape. i feel so trapped now. i need to get out soon. maybe tomorrow or something. just go roaming the streets by myself. maybe go catch a movie by myself. some things just can't, will never, change.
leave me alone. . . . . . .

dreamer ♥ 6:18 PM

Monday, December 22, 2003

hey. well on sunday early afternoon my mom brought me to see the doctor. not really a doctor in a clinic. those chinese physician kind. back home she applied the oil for me. my freaking gawd. it was burning. literally. i almost cried. but i told myself to control, cos i've been through worse. but i don't think it's doign my any good? i don't know. just using it for my mom. i was pretty shocked, cos my mom was telling me to take good care of myself? my face..my skin? haha. you see i don't really care about how i look, bearing in mind that i already am pretty hideous. nothing's going to work anyway. not my sis and cousins who spent quite a while in front of the mirror. oh well. that evening my sister bro, seetha [my cousin] and i went to watch lotr. well yesterday i had a huge fight with my sister. she fucking slapped me. not once not twice but three or four times. and i grew real furious. of cos i would. like wth? who the fuck does she think she is. she really went too far. and i swear, i know that i didn't started it. seriously, it's her fault. and i don't care anymore. cos i'm not talking to her. she called my bro to go shopping with her. she called me too. of cos i said no. what does she think? that she can hit me one day and i'll forget about it the next day, just like that? ha. in your dreams. i'm not like that. once you hurt me, it stays. whether sister or even friend. it'll be engraved in my heart and i tell you, i will never forget it. yeaps.
anyways the movie was great. enjoyed it. nothing much happened. that night while online i really felt like i needed to talk to someone, anyone. but the people that were online, just weren't the ones i think i can talk to right now. i just need a good chat i guess. yeah. yilin messaged me in the night, in msn. after exchanging our greetings, i just shot it. ia sked her if shes messaging me because she's bored and has nobody else to talk to. ha. i know it's evil but hey, i cannot forget what matt said the other time. about her using people only when she needs them. and hello, i'm not your puppet. but nonetheless, i will say sorry the next time i see her. im not all that evil. it's just that, before ytd, every other time she messaged me, was to ask something. it's a fact that i can no longer hide.
well today i had a nice time smsing sandy. yeah my section mate. heh. and coolios, she asked me to be her god sister. haha. cool. hee hee. oh and she's gonna ask yt to be her god brother. she thinks he's a nice guy. i agree aye? lol. oh it's funny what char thinks about kk. of cos i object! duh! lol.. -sticks out tongue- well, hopefully we get to go out soon. they seem like a bunch of sweet girls. hee hee. -smiles- slacked for the most of today. am having a flu. not feeling very well though, emotionally i mean. just doing some thinking. i might write something soon. i don't know. i'm off to watch tv now.

dreamer ♥ 8:38 PM

Sunday, December 21, 2003

HELLO!!! hehehehee!! you guessed it, im happy again today. lol. well, met siyi at the bus stop and we went to hc. but too bad? kk say he's gonna take his lunch? wuhahaha. basket. so instead rehearsed the script and warmed up. the rehearsal that was suppose to start at 12 only started at 1. haha. best! but, nvm! hee. mmm. ginny and kaikiat did try ta add some crap? wuhaha, but eventually just did away with it lar. guess what we had was enough already. heh. well after one round of rehearsals we had free time before dinner. shai and i had to go show the teacher in charge our script. so scary, cos the leaders were in that room too lol.. cept fer the SCs lar. eeek. lol. after that had a great time playing bluff and i thought them the 'HK' game. lol. sooner or later think almost the whole band will know how to play that game. lol. we were like laughing and SCREAMING.. yes i repeat.. SCREAMING! hahaa.. until adrian was telling siyi to soften down? give him heart attack? haha.. so funny.. well more and more people came to play.. to an extent weherby we decided to sit on the floor! haha.. really had a great time laughing my head off! hee.. ;)
well after that was dinner! yeaps.. and we had dinner with our own sections.. so cool.. hee.. yin tat welfare what, then took pretty long to settle down.. kaikiat so nice? treated all of us to drinks! yeaps.. the two guys happily 'quarreling' bout soccer lohs. lol. so funny. aiyox.. tell you ah.. hc tpt peeps are darn crappy! haha but i love em all the more that way.. lol.. so after much crapping.. jj gathered around the benches area and it was the spraying our hair session! lol.. only fer jj people.. thanks to the pros from trombone section.. so last minute decided to let my hair down and they did for me the copper one.. suddenly ppl say very nice? huh? didn't exactly see what was so nice.. besides my hair was in a mess! i changed my earrings to the one my sista bought fer me.. yeaps.. mmm.. after that did a lil warm ups yup.. it began.. haha after much waiting.. and there's this percussion guy who wished me luck but gee, i dont know his name.. heh..
i screwed a little lar huh.. lol.. but at least i didnt laugh into the mike.. yeaps.. mmm.. nothing much.. but before we parted for interval silvest looked really sad? heard something bout a screw up or so.. poor dude.. later lm told me that he teared in the bus. so sad? smsed him.. he seems strong though.. hope he'll feel better soon.. -smiles-
think gordon made a very very good santa claus! as in really.. heh.. cool.. mmm.. actually while waiting for our turn to play it got pretty boring.. at least there was yikling n ting to accompany me.. haha.. aye yt say my earrings cool! muahahaha thankiew thankiew i think so too.. lol.. funny.. best lar he.. say must take photo? cos his hair today very nice? and usually not that nice one? hahahaha.. mymy.. -.- happily aye. after that met the others at the band room benches area. took some photos hee..
got a little irritated when mdm lee wanted us to leave? like what the hell.. started buggin us at ten.. oh man cant the damned bus just wait or somethin.. then think she got a lil angry.. so everybody started to leave.. but noooo i didnt wanna go cos i have yet to take photos with my dear tpt section. yeaps, so ended u letting silvest carry my tpt. then yeayyy photo taking time! hee hee.. took with lengs too.. my whole sect took with lengs also.. and i took with the hc section also.. haha.. yeaps.. hc tpters gave this bear thingy wch is adorable!! and a lil card to go with it.. i also got a card from lm and this thingie from kitmun.. so sweeeet! thanks thanks! xiumei also gave me sweets and a note.. aww.. thanks so much guys!
after takin photos left tgt with kit mun.. man it was rainin like hell.. think for a very long time? haha.. gee.. i was really aching all over.. and still am aching.. eek.. my feet hurt too.. ouch.. alrights.. enough of update bout Noel aye? was smsing my section.. thanking them.. then chattin with that ginny now.. ahahhahahaaha.. so funny.. well really gonna miss my section.. they rawk! we rawk! TRUMPETERS RAWK!
off i go.. -yaawwwnnnnsssss-

dreamer ♥ 1:13 AM