...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Thursday, August 19, 2004

nobody would have ever guessed what happened to me on tuesday. during bio tutorial i was having a hard time breathing. but i thought it was ok. just had to take deeper breaths though my heart seemed to be hurting. after lesson, i should have gone home, but stubbornly enough i stayed behind and studied for the gp content test which eventually got postponed. then i left, kept coughing and coughing my lungs out in the bus. surviving on what little water i had left with me. i got down from the bus and carrying my bad only seemed like i had a huge weight on me that was putting me down. i was pushing myself to walk. walk to my block. walk home. i coughed and coughed. i was literally gasping for air. it was all too scary. i can't put this scene down in words. when i got closer and closer to my block i became more and more scared. i don't know why. but just imagine, not being able to breathe. its like - i'm going to stop breathing soon. its like .. you might just die. in the lift i couldn't hold it anymore. tears just came. and crying only made things worse. it only made it much more harder for me to breathe. was i going to end up in the hospital? what was going to happen to me. i was scared shit. so i entered my house held the table and cried out that i couldn't breathe. my heart was hurting so bad i though my system was going to just shut down on me. sigh, i think i freaked out my dad. my mom too when she came home a few minutes later. she applied the oil for me so i can breathe better and most importantly take my tablet. then i rest. i felt bad cos of me, the egg my dad was frying got burnt. i kept saying its my fault but yeah my mom reassured me that it wasn't. she told me to see how important my tablets were. and she said i should have taken a cab home. sigh. but after resting for some time, i was breathing better. a much more stable pace. i could smile again. and i said sorry .. i don't know why though. and they told me that it's ok. that my health is very important. and my mom even went on to say that its ok if i don't make it to the Uni. but no i want to i have to. but now at this very moment, i don't know anymore. and i guess its the parents' love that really matters in the end. after my dad left, i had a sweet talk with my mom. it made me realise how much i actually love her. hmmm.
everything is like against me now. its like i have to really work against all odds now. you know, when you look around you there's nobody there for you really, cept for yourself. there's nobody who really understands you out there. nobody has the time to sit and listen to you. cept for You up there i guess. =). yes there are friends. but now, i don't even think my friends get me. nobody, i repeat, nobody believes me when i say that i haven't done something as in study or whatever along that line. anything that has got to do with my revision. are my words just going through one ear of yours and coming out the other?! hello, i'm human too you know. i'm not some super woman. i have no clue to why they have to think that i'm so hardworking when i'm not. i really am not. i guess they can't really see the person that i am. crumbling to bits and pieces. screaming out reaching out for a hand only to feel the wind caress my fingers. only you can be there for yourself now. yes i only have myself. cos supposedly only i can understand myself right? yeah you can tell your friends you can talk to them. but how many, exactly are going to follow your trail of thought and actually understand you? none i guess. none. people only see and hear what they want to. they need to take care of themselves, who's going to want to take care of you?! ha. wake up to reality - nobody. eventually - you only have yourself. some weird encounters lately though. was it tuesday? ps took the same bus as me but she left almost immediately after getting down. i thought it was pretty awkward. did it not occur to her we could walk together or something? but i guess its ok. each step she took was one step closer to the friends she loved and made her happy anyway. just as it was awkward for me on monday when i had to do group work with the chinese girls who kept indulging themselves in their own cheena convo leaving me to pretend to be so interested on the typed out words of my environmental chemistry option textbook. why am i quiet you ask me. haha. right. getting back.. even if i do try to open up or whatsoever you need to go through all of that explaining shit which is too much. nahh. sigh. you're not born to be understood anyway. sometimes i wish i had someone to talk to, like an invisible friend, someone only my eyes can see. someone to cry and laugh with you. someone who's always there for you. wouldn't that be so pretty? like a little angel? they say we always have an angel looking down on us, just that we dont know. is it true? hmmmm.
there was a list of things i had written that i had wanted to complete this week. and i feel like crying because i can't and with four weeks to go before the prelim i can very safely say that i will not be able to make it. AND no fcking soul will believe when i say this. honestly. cos that's the truth. haha. i can't push myself now. i need all the rest i can get and i can't do extra work. now that i've stopped working, i guess people will feel happier right? right. -.-" like yani said, i need to think long term. i need and definitely want to get well soon. just how long more do i have to go on like this. i wish i was as strong. not this weak and always breaking like some porcelain doll. adding on to my list of no chocolates and cold drinks i guess i have to stop laughing so hard. yeah cut down on my laughing. unbelievably hard but i'll do it. its for my own good. and one more thing i have not talked about in a long long time. him. i only talk about him to naddie now. only she understands. i think i've mentioned that i get through the days by so-called-hating him. where he is i do not wish to be. thinking about him more than a minute now can well up my eyes with tears. yeah i tell myself i hate him, but oh come on, of course i love him. yeah. but i've got to move on somehow right. like this, my world doesn't revolve around him anymore. that's because i put all other time i have into studying. otherwise im talking on sleeping. yeah. pretty much sums up the life i lead now. it's ok. this will break one day. like they say - that which you cannot let go, will one day fade away. my love for him will fade away. i mean it already is. =). and ive always told myself..if i ever find someone worthy of loving after him..this person must really be someone great..if i were to love he more than i do him. (yeah i know what you thinking..love and all that bullshit. ha)
we had a talk today on NUS courses. and i was thinking. there's a high possibility of not making it into the Science faculty. and going into Arts and Social Science will only be my doom. even if by chance i do get into Science, there are thousands others who are already at the top level and you're only at the bottom trying slowly to take the steps up to the top. and you'll just never make it big. i don't know. it's just too confusing. i don't know where i want to go, what i want to be. i'm aimless now. i have no direction. am i feeling lost? hmmmm. i wrote a little something for my two indian guy friends, and gave them a bookmark along with it. haha. hope it cheered them up. it felt good writing and making things for people. making people happy always makes me happy too. =). i've been sleeping a lot lately. letting my system get all the rest it can. i can start working anytime. i just want my body to be ready. i want to recover fully. so that when i start i don't have to worry too much about falling sick. but i'll definitely watch everything i do. God be with me, though i know you already always are. if that made any sense.

dreamer ♥ 12:19 AM

Sunday, August 15, 2004

i know i keep making short little entries. i'm just updating when i feel like it, so - whatever. just finished mugging for my chem test tmrw. but have yet to go through tut questions and other tys questions. i need a break so i'm going to do my maths hypothesis now. since she's going through it tmrw. maybe i'll have to sleep late tonight. cos i have to write stuffs to some friends too, and have yet to do it. hmmmm. maybe i'll do some maths revision too? i don't know. but i've already planned that sleep will be sacrificed this week. gonna plan everything later. and of course stick to it. hmmmmm. tiring though. had difficulty breathing. it's tough. not only are you trynna concentrate on studying, but also on breathing! like sheesh. -shakehead- took my meds though. will take again around 2am i guess. SIGH. feeling so sigh-y now. anyway jenn, thanks so much for your note. it really does mean a lot to me though its just a note but its great ta hear from you. i really do miss you a lot. hope that you'll be back soon. don't worry. we'll do all the catching up after my As. you're so lucky yer Os are over. take care darling, alrights? off to maths for me.

dreamer ♥ 9:21 PM