...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Friday, July 25, 2003

i haven't been here for so long! wow! heh. been really busy aye. today's joyce birthday. wished her at 12am heh. lee min's birthday also. happy birthday girls. -smiles- i'll try and do a recap of what has happened so far. guess i'll talk about the tests first. good news is that i passed my chem assgn, which is rather expected, since i knew the questions before hand. but yet, i made careless mistakes. oh well. silly me. i managed to get 4/6 for the 1st post maths assessment on trigo in class. well yes i have failed many tests, but that shouldn't be the end but instead my stepping stone. so i'm prepared to work harder despite all the hard work and effort i know that i need to put in, cos in the end it will all be worth it. i should try and stop whining more. gee. gettin 'whinier' day by day heh. in class today during tamil, mr jega was talking to us about life and our studies. he talks a lot about them. i secretly enjoy sessions like these. really wakes up the sleeping mind. and it's great inspiration too. reminds you of your goal and the reason you're in school. i think what i really lack is proper time management. i have to make time to do my revision. yeaps. suddenly determination seems to be flowing aye? if only it'll last. alrights, i'll try to be optimistic. heh. during maths found out that for test three my class had 14 Fs and 6 Os with 1 A 1 B & 2 E. No doubt, i fall in the F category, which is sad to admit. And simon talked to us. I was amazed at how frank WeiDe was when he said that one of the reasons is the mindset of thinking why we should study when we're gonna fail. gee. like he just read my mind. heh. but that's the truth. and that attitude has got to change. having a teacher like simon, who's willing to help us.. i guess we need to do our part and put in that extra effort. -smiles- and i know i will. need to do more practice. i've also decided to go for the 'bio clinic' by ms wan. she says it's for goners. even though i don't think i'm a goner in bio i'm still going. i want every little help i can. i mean, why not grab the opportunities! heh. like i've said, i'm not gonna retain. well, that means, time has got to be sacrificed to more serious work. like this week, i haven't been wasting my time online that much. quite an improvement i must say.'

the performance on thursday went great actually. better than i expected? judging from the response we got. i'm glad. -smiles- i know the guys stole the show. haaa. but the truth is outstanding, that they're really energetic! yeaps! it's weird how terribly exhausted and tired we felt after the whole thing. didn't attend gp and skipped tamil, cos we were THAT tired. so worn out. after that i still had to do a bio test? and it's so saddening. sighs. i started studying for that test on sunday. i even made freaking notes. i studied as much as i could, i know. i did put ine effort. but in that lecture theatre during the test.. bcos of the dance.. i was sooo tired i could barely keep my eyes open.. and bcos of this i wasn't able to do my test properly. sighs. i was damn sad? hais. i mean.. my efforts and all.. so wasted. sigh. can only hope for the best now. =\ i have been caught twice for not tucking in already! ugh. irritating. who would wanna tuck in pe tee. so irritatin lohs. not like i tuck in my shirt heh. =x oh well. just my luck i guess. ya know, anisah was tellin me that she can't stand people like shal cos she forgets her friends when she has her other guy friends. and sighhhh. i was like.. now you tell me again? yet you're still so good with her? yeah, i know we're suppose to accept people despite their flaws.. but oh well. i shall not let this bother me though. heh. but sometimes just wonder. hmm. -shrugs the thought aside- i still remember on thursday mornin around 5+am while i was walking in the dark to buona vista mrt station.. i looked up to the sky.. and saw those beautiful stars shining so brightly in the sky. so prettiful. chuckles. it's been long since i saw them. it's just wonderful how these stars glittered for you. you can get lost in the moment and just can't stop staring into that endless sky.

well this week has been a rather busy and tiring week. i can't really recall every other thing that happened though. it's a pity cos i've missed a few lectures because of the dance. grr. oh well. i should try and get back on track as soon as possible. there was a meeting on wednesday but i wasn't able to attend cos we had a dance prac to confirm our positions on stage fo thursday's performance. luckily that paid off, or i'd be rather pissed heh. there's no band prac. sighs. even though i'm quite glad i can relax and study but somehow i'm still wishing there was band. oh well. if i remember correctly i had a really good wednesday. so happy and all. throughout the whole day? good aye. -smiles- haaa. actually bought edna the mighty perky nana? lols. oh yeah, i sure was crazy on wed! got clive a postcard thingy.. hope he likes it even though its on cats and not dogs =x.. haa.. mmm.. oh yes! now i remember! it was clean n green on wed! lols. didn't expect it to be fun! was cleanin the windows and table. my class was like super efficient! we cleaned up the whole classroom really really fast! our CT treated us to coke! heh. and after cleanin, my class gathered, together with ms tan and did yam seng?! lol. sooo cool? heh. -grin- loved that moment. we're quite united aye. cool. =) still have time to build the bonds in the class. heh. ooops. feel rather guilty, haven't been treating my mortal very well cos i've been rather busy this week! i'll try and get her a lil something next week! my angel hasn't gotten in touch with me! sighs! heh.

today ended early but i stayed back in school. pui sin pui shan elizabeth shi ying xinxin and i went to ask simon qns on trigo. mmmx. seems like need ta do a lot of memorising of the formulas. heh. well did my maths after that. went to the cafe. didn't know the cafe was not too bad a place to do work. heh. was there till around 5 before i left. saw viv again at the bus stop. haha. funny guy. it was raining. such beautiful weather? i was actually feeling rather stressed.. but the weather actually made me feel lots more better. like my mind finally got the peace it's been yearnin for and just feel so loved! such beautiful weather - rain. =) well, i didn't go to joyce's birthday party. actually i really didn't have the mood to go. sighs. but it's joyce's birthday, and i didn't want to disappoint her. but maybe my absence might have gotten her a lil disappointed but i'm sure she wouldn't dwell on it..she has other happy things to be glad about. heh. i was really thinking for quite a long while before i decided on not going. heh. librans are indecisive people. hee. i didn't want to go deep down, glad i finally was honest with what i felt, with a lil help. hmmm.. oh well..advice is usually what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.. heh for reassurance perhaps?
but the thought just keeps reoccuring though. i admit, back in those three months i felt that the friendship meant so much..it truly felt like a friendship that would last.. i caught hold of something i ever really had and its slipping away.. i don't want to let it go..but how much would that take..what do i need to do..i'm asking a question that will just be left unanswered..to be brought up another day..another moment..when things maybe get pretty depressing..oh i must admit.. it's been a few weeks.. and i'm still resisting the temptation..even though the longing for that release will never fade.. and i'm so fat now.. =(..even at the highest volume, the music will never drown out the ugly in me.

like i said life has been rather hectic. but under all that there's so much more..and words aren't enough to capture it all.

dreamer ♥ 9:26 PM

Monday, July 21, 2003

heys. started all the making up and dressing up sooo early in the morning. i was my crazy self lar heh. i can laugh properly already. so happy! hehs. hmmmm. i don't exactly know how the performance went? lols.but i really adore the modern dance. mmm. reminds me of nus dance and all, heh. but yar, the music was so soft! darn it lols. and we didn't make use of the stage properly. mmmm. i think we're gonna have a mini dance prac on wed? using the stage? uh. didn't feel too uncomfortable this time. make up was still heavy lar. eeeek. i don't even wear those stuffs when i go out lohs. lol. mmmm. heard that some people forgot the steps ahaha. i remember being on the verge of laughing out. like so funny, but i can't remember the reason why though. my class was like sitting right in the front lohs. oh my. btu i never dance properly also. wooops! lols. quite slack lar aye. hee. maybe cos the mindset that it's only a school performance. then weide was like, eh vicky i didn't know you can dance leh! lols. rights. mmm. wait til teachers' day performance k! i have a feeling that'll be so much nicer and yeah, no restrictions and stuff heh. can dance properly. hee. well my friends said the dance was nice? but to me it wasn't lar. everyone so slack. but yeah, maybe a third person would see it as nice i guess.. oh well not many people know about indian dance anyways. heh.

we kept saying lose face lose face. hahaha. walau. very irritated leh. make the place so dirty. grr. was sitting in the canteen having break. and they were screening kuch kuch hota hai!!! man, i love this movie to bits!!! always cry so much lohs! haha.. i got like front seats! with my classmates so cool.. i was soooo excited. glad i got to see the kkhh song before lessons began. heh. well, i passed the bio assignment. got 14/20. sighs, no good? -sobs- i failed my maths test!!!! got 12.5/30??!! sighs. dunno where i should go and hit my head. so horrid lohs. heard anisah and shalini got like 20 all tt. sighs, why must i be so dumb lohs. sighs. mmmm. heard from yani only got like four passes for maths... or was it bio? -shrugs- but my class is really slacking.. i just hope everyone will like buck up soon.. don't want any of them staying back even though we don't acually bond well as a class.. i failed the bio test too.. sighs.. by freaking half a mark lohs!! wth.. 14.5/30.. sadness lohs. wonder what i'll get for the chem assignment. then simon said tt there'll be a post test THIS wed on trigo!!! -screams- i don't know how to do trigo!!! like wth? wed? i have chem assignment on wed lohs!! he said if u fail this post assignment it will give him more than enough a reason to visit your house! OH NOoo!! this gonna be like chaos!? but there's no way i can save myself.. sheesh.. i've got no way out!! help! -gulp- sighs. i can't believe i failed so many tests. -sobs- this is so demoralising. ssssiiiiiigggggghhhhhh. =( just feel totally horrible.. cos i've never never never failed so many tests in my life..

poor yani. she has lots of problems. i think she was on the verge of breaking down when she came to talk to me. sighs. wonder why guys must be sooooooooo idotic. -.-" ugh. ok lar, some of my class guys. quite frustrated with the attitudes of my class lar. all so selfish kind.. very irrtating really. eeek. after school went to take passport photo.. i think i got the shock of my life or something.. look so goddamn ugly now?! i mean compared with last time.. the passport photo.. last year.. hurr.. i'm so fat??!!! oh no lohs.. i haven't been eating properly already.. don't mean to tell me i should cut down more.. hurr.. saddening.. sighs.. when i came back home was so goddamn tired read hp and fell asleep halfway and only woke up around 10+? quite pissed with myself but on the other hand.. does it even matter? study also still fail? like damn what the fuck lohs. don't feellike studying anymore? guess i wont. damn aarrrggghhhh. -sobs-

however, overall.. it was an ok day.. mmmx.. rather pleasant i would say.. tried my best to talk to my parents properly.. yar.. sighs.. don't know if i should study now anot.. but.. like really.. what's the use man.. what's the use.. sighs.. =\ i should be working harder.. but.. it's hard to lift yourself up when you've fallen down..... sob..

dreamer ♥ 11:47 PM

Sunday, July 20, 2003

heyyyy. fairly good day today? -smiles- before i went to sleep did some notes on enzymes. today morning was late again for tuition. so was kirrthana. heh. at least got company! well we were doing energetics again today. so can say tt my energetics quite ok ok on the surface.. just need a lil more reading up and practice and also left with bonding which is a lot! gee. after that took 187 with kirrthana and shwetha. i got down at wdlnds lar. then drank coffee and bought sweets. say diyanah with her malay friends on the third level!! haaa. met angel and lings at the 4th level. heh. so cool, four tpters at wdlnds library studyin? haaa. angel left to join her friends at another level. so left with me and lings. started work immediately with enzymes. completed my notes and studying lohs. rather slow. but yar, at least i'm done heh. angel left earlier.. to go for the band fiesta.. hope you had fun? =)

lings left around 4+ and i went to the 2nd level. 4th level i actually children's section, and its surprising i even managed to study in all tt noise! haa. rights. well tried doing maths, but can't do. then too tired already so i decided to make my way back home. the journey home was pretty draggy? dang. mmmm.. i was very irritated in the library cos my mom n dad took turns to call me and my dad called a lot of times. damn damn damn irritating? like hello, you already know where i am what in the devil do you keep calling me for! so goddamn irritating man. uuggggghhhhh. i only anwered his call once. wonder how many missed calls i received. oh and yes, my phone line's back. so happy. heh. but i'm controlling my sms lar. heee.

one thing to be happy about is that.. kirrthana finally lent me the 5th harry potter book! the order of the phoenix! ssoooooo haappppyyyy!!! lols!! finally have it! like yeeaayyy! -grins- of course, i've already started reading. heh. after this entry need to pack my stuff. will be performing during civics lesson tml. heh. grr. oh well. actually i think that the teachers' day performance will be quite fun. say shava shava is a nice song ya see. heh cool cool. can't wait to learn the dance. oh well. hmmmmm..nothing much lar.. heh..guess i`ll go make the necessary preparations now.. ciao!

dreamer ♥ 11:41 PM