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"welcome."
Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.
Enjoy!
.+.The Girl.+.
Birthday:: 22nd Oct 1986
Horoscope:: Libra
Location:: Singapore
.+.Her Dreams.+.
× precious moments music box
× wired star
× lacoste/miracle/true star
× pink handbag
× lipgloss
× threading my eyebrows
× piercing my nose
× eczema to go away
× scars on arms.wrists to disappear
× pants for work
× get my photographs from friends
× jaysean cd
× destiny's child cd
× rearrange my cupboard
× liquid eyeliner
× wallet
× sandals
.+.Her History.+.
Archives
Child of innocence, I miss your sunny days
We joyously frolicked in extended plays
Ever since you've left the scene
The streets are lonely, dark, and mean
Child of innocence, return to me now
With your simple smile show them how
This world once again can respond to your glance
And heartbeats flutter to the rhythm of your dance
Child of innocence, your elegance, your beauty
Beckons me now beyond the call of duty
Come fly with me far and above
Over the mountains in the land of love
Child of innocence, messenger of joy
You've touched my heart without a ploy
My soul is ablaze with a flagrant fire
To change this world is my deepest desire.
-Michael Jackson
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oh well, life hasn't been very kind to me lately.
thursday was kind of a screwed up day for me. i think i might have broke down if i hadn't ranted in that letter i wrote, like what, twice! and thanks clive for actually reading that. sighs. napfa was alrights? i have to retake my standing broad jump next week, got E. lols. sbj is always my killer. darn it. even though i ended early on friday i kind of stayed in school til very late. i was in the canteen copying some notes both maths n chem. was with rae but she had to elave for lessons. hmmm viv came ta talk to me.. when he had a phonecall and realised he "didn't go" for maths tutorial. smart rights. haa. was in the canteen til about 3pm when i decided to shift to the benches. then i met up with farhana and dinesh. hope i wasn't intruding in on anything but yar. slacked there til like 345. and since i was still in school yani asked me of a favour to email the psychologist my pw group was about to interview the next day. so i got the diskette from her and finally made my way to the bus stop to go home. guess what, saw vivian again at the bus stop lols. yar. took 198 home instead. was tearing in the bus. sighs. guess it's the only time i can let go. i'm very tired of life. guess my depression is helping me from cutting. eerrr if that makes sense. i mean this brooding and being sad.. i don't know. but i'm trying to prevent myself from doing it. i'm fighting losing battles in my mind. soon i will not be able to take it. and soon, all will be released.
oh yes, i didn't state my reason for going home late. hmmmm..the truth is that i just didn't wanna go home early. it's the feeling of being caged up in this four walls where everyone is acting weird and interrogating you. especially my parents. bugging me non stop. it's horrid. when i was home i slept. woke up around 10+ when i knew my mom has gone for work. well i wanted to do some work but i couldn't. sighs. ugh. ain't sure why i'm having this habit of sleeping till 10 plus. i don't think it's good.. but at the same time i ain't too sure how to break it either. but i'll try i guess. there was band practice today. was late. =x. i shouldn't be so slack lar huh. sighs. but everybody's slacking ya know. it's so not a nice sight. =(. wish we would take practices.. even warm ups a lil more seriously. i mean we don't have to be so serious about the whole thing. but at least don't slack too much yar. am not complaining..but mao kinda takes warm up a lil not too seriously? at the start of practices we play warm ups like only briefly? like..uhm..just once of whatever we play. we don't have to play it again even though the sound the intonation the balance is not there. bleaghs. but of course i can't go tell him right? haaa. rights. i'm sure he' trying his best? mmmm..i hope so. oh well everyone's new. heh.did liberty bell. then we went for sectionals. got new scores..welcome and e john williams soundtracks thingy. after sectionals i went for "dance practice". well ms yamuna was talking to the whole group of dancers. sighs. seems like its fixed that its the syf dance for racial harmony. and guess what. i HAVE to dance for teachers' day? no choice? sighs. just hope the band wouldn't have to perform sobs. ms yamuna's having a wrong impression that all of us are in her dance club. i'm soo not in lohs. after all this whole shyt, i'm gonna go up to her personally and make things clear.. that i'm not in the indian dance club and my only cca is band and being in ics as a member is not much of a choice..but yar the last part is redundant. that's the truth anyways.
rae bought fer me shaker fries for my lunch. heh. thanks gurl. we did the rehearsal in LT5 twice. i saw claudia dancing for the malay dance. i learnt that she was the president for malay dance. that's like awesome man. she dances really really well. even better than some of the malay dancers. she's totally cool man. *two thumbs up* our dance must have sucked haaa. the modern dance was very nice. i always wanted to join modern dance ya know. so got a better chance in nus, to join the dance which is rather prestigous. oh well. dreams. but it's really cool. saw lings also heh..mmmmx.. went back for band and we were playing near the flagpoles. kit mun suddenly had breathing difficulties. scary man. luckily nothing serious happened. yar, if not i wouldn't exactly have known what to do. hmmmm. poor gurl. back in the band room diyanah was telling me that she cannot tahan today's band prac cos it's THAT slack making it really boring. yar. maybe should be a little more intensified. hmmmm. i don't know really. heh. after that helped the librarians with their stuffs. went around collectiing some money. alas, we had our first committee meeting with ms lim but chee hui wasn't there. haven't seen bz n xp around in band much..guess they're really busy with art stuff.. well the meeting was alright lar. did some intro on the names heh.. oh yar.. before that.. when ms lim was waiting for us to finish with the arranging of the scores she was asking me if i could juggle band n dance. i was like ahhh!! i`m not in dance or anything!! it's only for this syf..i can't complain to her about ms yamuna what!! they're like best friends lohs. hurmmphh. then she asked if i was like taking dance outside.. NO!! oh my.. sighs. heh. my commitment is in band okaes!! heh. -grins-
well we have to do some thinking and reflecting and concluding yar. and also brainstorm and think about some stuff. basically just thinking and jotting down our points and of cos planning for our first project, the farewell party. ahem ahem. hahahaa. alrights. after the whole thing the whole committee went to JP. rae and i went to eat.. and when we came back up we met up with the rest of them.. they had already bought a clock! yes, a clock for the band room! lols. went home after that. hey, i gave up myseat for an elderly in the mrt okaes, so proud of myself. hahahaa. anyhoo, i'm like aching all over man. can't laugh properly cos my abdomen muscles are aching too! grr. stupid napfa. yar, then i slept and woke up around 10++ again. hmmmm, my sister came on the tv today. lols. alrights. i must say i feel like i'm in for hell.. or just total deep shit. i have to study enzymes for bio and chemical bonding and energetics for chem test next week and i haven't started. and i also have to do maths tut 7b and assgn. sighs. a lot of work. sighs. i don't wanna fail any of the tests. that's my aim. a pass. heh. but of cos must try to get a gd pass? but i guess that's rather impossible now. but whatever i do i must make sure i don't fail my bio. heh. cos i haven't failed any bio stuffs, and i don't wanna start now. hmmmm. finally before i end just want to say a huge huge huge thank you to clive and vivian.. really thanks for being there for me during this "period" and hearing me out.. meant a lot.. can never repay ya`ll.. thanks so much.. *huggies* wonder what i`ll do without ya`ll.. -smiles- |
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dreamer ♥ 10:56 PM
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How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core
Where Ive become so n.u.m.b
Without a s o u l
My spirit's sleeping somewhere |cold|
Until you find it there and lead it back home
-CHORUS-
[wake me up] Wake me up inside
[I cant wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run
[I cant wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing Ive become
Now that I know what Im without
You cant just leave me
Breathe into me and {make me real}
Bring me
To life
-CHORUS-
[wake me up] Wake me up inside
[I cant wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run
[I cant wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing Ive become
{Bring me to life}
[Ive been living a lie..Theres nothing inside]
{Bring me to life}
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
[All of this I, I cant believe I couldnt see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me]
Ive been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
[Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul]
{Dont let me die here}{There must be something more}
Bring me to life
-CHORUS-
[wake me up] Wake me up inside
[I cant wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run
[I cant wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing Ive become
Bring me to life
[Ive been living a lie.. Theres nothing inside]
Bring me to life
life's screwed up. |
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dreamer ♥ 5:56 PM
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hmmm i've misplaced my odt. bleaghs. i'm sure it must be in one of the bags. grr. just hafta look harder i guess. heh. today was a cheerful day for me. turns out to be that the tamil test is not today, but tomorrow? heh. but that's good? cos it means i'm done studying for half of it. that's not exactly very important anyways. heh. cos i can always ask for the answers? oops? lol. pe was alrights. did 2.4km! gee. i know i could have done better lar. walked half the track for the fourth round. silly me. oh well. at least i didn't fail. and those who got E have to retake. heh. i escape. the 5 stations gonne be this friday. eeee. i don't like. haaa.
nowadays civics is like mroe fun. ms tan is much more hip heh. doesn't scold us or anything. very cool. yeaps. and we've started with the angel mortal game again for this term. hurray. lols. wonder who my angel is! lol. my mortals are always very lucky, cos i'm such a nice angel to them? HAHAHA! kiddin lar. heh. oh guess what man! this is like so unexpected. i passed my GP essay, common test 1 ! woooohoooo. so so so glad i didn't fail? heh. i got 29/50..and it's the highest in my class..the only one who chose that qn too. however my language very low..11.5/20. no good. heh. maybe what yani said is true..i just need to have more confidence! but how? -shrugs- my essay was very very very simple. didn't use those sophisticated words or anything heh. just simple, but like answering the essay. hmmm. i should work on improving my language. so much to do, but so little time. heh.
mother tongue was again very fun. heh. i was noisy as usual. kept laughing?! nonsense man. =x. settled some stuff with edna.. -wink- heh. sigh. so sad that i'm so lost in bio lecture. cos i haven't been listening for a lot of the lectures. sheesh. notti me. but fret not. i shall read up asap and catch up on my lost work. heh. -determined- at 130 we had a meeting at 114, all the syf dancers. well. the results are out and we got a silver. i won't say i'm happy lar.. just ok? i mean i don't mind a silver ya know. heh. just glad that it's over. hee. hmmmm. ms yamuna was saying she is actually very disappointed. cos other JCs.. who obviously didn't do as good as us, actually got a gold..like JI and OI. people actually told ms yamuna that our dance was good lohs. and our costume was like the best? heh. seriously. yeaps. and it seems like, they also judged based on the instructors.. irritating rights? reminded her of the debates.. when it was clear cut that JJ should have won but the judges were so bias?! it was totally clear cut lohs. yeaps. say we very unlucky this year? heh. she's gonna write in, asking why we got a silver. heh. oh well. she wanted us to dance for the college day, the syf dance! crazy lehs! oh my. heh. but yar. we decided against it. so i think they'll be doing the cultural show dance. heh. phew. i think we'll be performing for teachers' day too. but i don't know if i'm dancing yet or not. see how. but the song's nice! say shava shava. cant remember the movie title.. i think mohabettein.. maybe lar aye.. heh.. love hindi movies? hee. realised its been a long long long time since i watched movies on the tv! oh my.
after that went for oral. i was so cold? when i was reading halfway i went so nervous. sighs. idiotic. and yar.. if jasmin didn't say it's about terrorists when she left i wouldnt have known what the convo topic is about lohs. totally blur heh. but yar i think i tried my best lar.. but i know my best wasn't enough. but i don't think i was bad to the extent that i'll fail. heh. gawd. just have to keep my fingers crossed. sat for my chem assgn after that. wasn't too bad. anyway i already knew most of the qns. =x. hee. saw pui sin and yueru. since they were gonna ask simon leow questions regarding the test tml.. i decided to tag along and listen and clarify too! well it sure was beneficial. he really explained things and i'm much clearer now. bleaghs. but i know nuts about summation? guess i have to work harder on the other topics. gonna do lots of qns from tys. just keep practicing. i'm not tired now cos i slept for a very very very very darn long time! -guilty- heh. tml going for the syf finals. hmmm. such a long day tml? actually i dunno if wanna go anot. cos thursday is a long day too. and yeah..friday's joyce's birthday..and i thought of like just go for awhile BUT.. lay ask if i could fork out 20 bucks. my arse lohs, i need to pay other stuff kaes. and now my hp cannot call nor sms. haven't pay the bill. how very sad! sobs! heh. alrights. that's all from me today.. byeeeeee! |
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dreamer ♥ 11:01 PM
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i was late today! gee. cos of me lay & yam were late too. oops? i have a tamil test tml. ugh. haven't studied yet. sighs. oh yes. luckily. just remembered that i have to pass up my chemistry practical file tml. hope i have all the papers. =x haha. we did chem during civics too. i guess it'll be the same case fer tml. thank god i did my tut6 yesterday. heh. Lt5 was freezing cold when we went in for chem lect! i had to keep my hands in the pockets of my jacket! so darn cold man. i fell asleep? didn't listen nor copy. just couldn't do it? went to find ms tan to take the chem assgn but she wasn't in the staff room. looked for til 2+ before i gave up. suppose to have oral today? but they happily postponed it to tml? so damn pissed off, cos i skipped my extra maths tut ! and it was somewhat a revision for the upcoming maths test on wednesday. sobs. and during the lunch break i has this very terrible headache? when i think just a lil i felt as though my head's gonna blow. so terrible! ugh! really terrible. sighs. felt quite bad lar. was sitting alone in the canteen. wishing that id rather be dead. -.-" really. just so.. i dunno. bad. bio tut was alrights. continued with jennifer's letter during GP. heh. i'm done with it already babex! ;) like finally. but yar, dunno when i'll post it. after school i took the maths quiz. insisted that i take it today since i will have to take the chem assgn tml. grrr. well, i did the last part wrongly! man, how hopeless can i get! irritating!!!!!!!!!!! hmmph. sighs. i'm still having that god-damn-son-of-a-bytch headahce. can't concentrate on my work fully cos of it. sucks lar. damn it.
well sent this sms to joyce sayin that.. i don't know why i keep pushing lay away whenever she tries to talk to me and there's no use saying sorry cos it'll happen again. bleaghs. slept for quite a long while? well, means i will stay up til quite late today, cos initially i planned to do a number of things. like study for the tamil test. i think i'll just read through. wanted to do maths tut7b but no time. guess i'll just go through inequalities or something. wednesday's the test. and tml i have oral. i don't know why i even wanna try to "study" for maths even though i know that in the end, i'm just gonna end up failing. but nonetheless..i'll still practice i guess. whatever lar. i also wanna read my bio txt. but sighs, i don't have the energy to grasp things now. how sad. how very sad. sighs. hate this fucking headache, it's just so fucked up. grr. i'm in such a irritating mood today. heh. oh well. don't think tomorrow will be any better. i'll go do work now. hope i will? yar, i better. s i g h s . |
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dreamer ♥ 12:00 AM
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saturday
the gp common test was so-so. i think i'll fail? oh well. haaa. prepare for the worst i guess. heh. sigh all my tests are like so poor? hope they don't pull don't my promo marks too much. means gotta do extra well for promos. gee. well after the test jiamao, joce, kit mun, lai meng, rae, yikling, anlin and i went to orchard to shop for wanqi's birthday present. this guy, Ed, joined us later. i think he's yikling's new classmate and that he's joinin band - sax sect? uhm, not too sure about it though. well i was like darn tired? on the verge of sleeping really. bleaghs. hmmm they ate at yoshinoya. after a long while, finally bought her prezzie? heh. two forever friends bear, one with W another with Q. anlin will be wrapping it. heh. saw lots of pretty pretty stuff! especiall at precious thotz, all the loud loud colour stuff at one section. pretty! heh. i think i caught a glimpse of the bag i'm in love with? heh. but that's gotta wait. then we walked to the heeren. then walked around some more. heh. was a fairly nice day yeahs. did enjoy myself. jiajun said he saw me? lols. too bad i didn't! haven't seen him in such a long time. by the time i reached home it was already late evening i think. and ya know, the moment i step in my sister nagged at me? can't remember much of whatever happened yesterday night though. guess i was pretty tired. heh.
sunday
i went for tution today! oh, in the morning, again.. when my sister got up.. nagged at me again? like huh? don't you have anything else to do? i didn't do nor say anything to you ya know. can't you keep your freaking mouth shut. bytch. kirrthana and murali were late too. phew. and guess who's the teacher been changed to! ms yamuna! oh my gawd! lols. not like i haven't seen enough of her in school ya know. lols. oh well. she did the startin of organic chem for god-knows-what reason? cos she didn't know we haven't learnt i guess. heh. then she did chemical energetics. yeaps. well i met her on my way to BP. bought mineral water. she gave me a lift? heh! so cool rights. lol. she gave me a lift to cck. then i took mrt from there to wdlnds library. bought some banana fritters & ate them before going into the library. drank coffee too heh. to keep myself awake lar. fifi said he saw me? lols. but i didn't. thank god i brought my receiver today? even though the connection wasn't too good. some of the times the people around were quite noisy? and i was suddenly surrounded by a number of people. so distracting. so i shifted. heh. well rather productive i shall say. did my bio tut 19. did chem tut 6 also. tried all the qns! only left out those i didn't know. heh. did maths assgn 7a too. a lot of homework? studied for the maths quiz tt i didn't take last friday. not really prepared for chem assgn though.
and i'm wondering like.. if everytime there's gonna be so much of homework how am i like gonna study? like today, homework took up so much of my time. had only a little time left for me to practice my maths. sighs. hmmmmm. but now since everything like's over (syf) i can concentrate better on my studies. so i should be able to complete more homework on weekdays. and i should more of the homework on saturday. so sunday there'll be more time for me to study. -smiles- i'm very very motivated to study? yeaps. just pray nothing will spring up from out of the blue and interupt me? hee. well, talked to my mom today? not exactly talk.. but i mean i did talk to her yar. heh. -smiles- haven't seen my dad in like what days? maybe a week? -shrugs- he's that busy huh. oh well. ya know. i think my grandma's condition's getting worse. now she keeps coughing and man it's not a nice sight? i don't know. =\. don't want her to leave but neither do i wanna see her in this condition..on tubes..and sighs.-shake head-
oh i was smsing the j1s to meet me tml to sign wanqi's card cos a number of them haven't. then i was suggesting to ce rong to settle yin han's bday lar, and that i'll help him too. then ya know he replied "well, like i have any choice. -.-" bleaaggghhh so sad? =\. then i said uhmmm.. not to be like tt.. cos it's actually fun.. yar.. then ask him cheer up and say got me lohs! hahaha.. yar.. at least he don't sound too dreadful about it. hehx. -grin- i'll be having my oral tml!!! AHHHHH!! i'm very very very scared! LOL. especially for the conversation! cos.. i'm afraid i do not know the word in tamil. man, i'm gonna be so dead! ahhh. scary scary. ahhhhhhhhhhh. =x anyways.. fifi.. hope you'll feel better soon kaes. remember.. don't think too mcuh yar.. -huggies- |
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dreamer ♥ 11:48 PM
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