...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, July 17, 2004

i actually went through a week without updating.
monday :: i saw my prince at lakeside mrt station. i was shocked cos he doesn't usually take bus but then cool, i get to see him in the morning -winks- the biggest shock came when he was with her. i was like just rooted to the ground. though he smiled as he passed me by, she was behind with him. i couldn't help it. my mind was spinning round and round. i think i almost teared. my mood changed completely. everything else just felt horrid. once, when i took a glimpse he was lookin my way. ugh. during chem lect i vented in my notebook and wrote a little something in my lecture notes too. you know how all the questions just start streaming into your mind.
she's feeling empty, void of feelings. her heart is aching and her mind is spinning.inhale.exhale. its just getting harder and harder each time.lack of air is making her weak. how long is she going to struggle. if eyes are windows to the soul why can't he see the love she has for him when he looks into her eyes. just..how long is it going to be difficult to breathe.if this continues, if it takes so long she won't take no more. she'll give up and so will her heart. she'll stop brething and then her story will come to end. maybe when she's gone, he will remember her. maybe when she's gone he will realise her love for him.
after that was the chem nmr test which i screwed up. did my last question, the structural one wrongly. sigh. i was so sad. i just wasn't myself. i wrote this in my notebook too.
i'm feelin so broken. everybody takes this porcelain doll for a fckin joke. it's like you're invisible and everybody just sees right through you.i'm so piised with him. i don't wanna see him around this week. i don't wanna talk to him this week. this sucks. it just sucks to love someone who doesn't realise it. it's horrid. and i don't think i can go on like this anymore. i feel like i need to bleed. let me drown in my crimson, in this pool of sorrow & unspoken words. let the darkness consume her once again. nobody'll realise. she's invisible, anyway.

it happened again on tuesday. the both of them met. thankfully, i had my friends with me. ps was telling me that there are many others out there. i don't remember much of anything that happened in school though. i stayed back everyday and studied. it was really productive. yeaps. didn't really see him around much on wednesday. i also had trouble sleeping at nights because i kept waking up when i cough terribly and short of breath. i even vomitted a little one of the days. on either tuesday or wednesday while i was going home around 9+...its after mugging in school that i allow my thoughts to wonder about him...i wrote a little something in my notebook again..haha..
it's one of those nights that make your hair stand on ends. the clouds in the dark sky obscure the glittering stars from sight. when things are going right, it feels as though everything is so wrong. and all you want to do is break down and cry. just cry away the pain, the burden, the sorrow and the love. you make me smile from my heart. you make my legs go all weak. you make me get butterflies (and i used to believe butterflies don't lie) you make me feel on top of the world. the luckiest around. but nothing lasts forever. i was too blind to see that you were never really there for me. you made me cry the tears you once wiped away. you make me regret. you make me want to cut and bleed and let the ashes burn away. you think it's so easy to inject happiness into and then break me into two. you make me feel so invisible. like i didn't exist at all. you make me feel like i don't matter at all.

on thursday while i was studying, a table away from my two ind friends, he came to sit beside my friend. ya know how irritated i was with the whole meeting her thing, i just felt so irritated by his presence. i almost wanted to get up and leave. yeah, it just tasted so darn bitter. anyway it actually kind of feels good to study in school. aside with the yr ones. but there is a group of yr2s who are mugging too. and together is just feels great ya know. haha. yeah. oh i forgot, took a maths test on thursday. one i had been working quite hard for. i knew how to do more than 3/4 of the paper. but i made calculation mistakes. can you believe it! omg. i was so pissed at everything and anything after that i just didn't want to talk to anybody else. and i hate chem prac. i can't do anything, i mean the practical paper. im useless at it. im so screwed for chem prac in As. sigh. thursday night i had a long chat with nadia online. sigh. i hope everything will turn out ok for her. i only slept at around 2am.

it was more obvious on friday morning that he's actually intentionally meeting her. something was wrong with ps and she didnt want to talk about it. i tried asking and i wasnt pushing cos i wouldnt want someone to do so being in whatever situation. but my mood completely changed when i saw him with her again in the bus. sigh. -shakehead- and i was kinda like thinkin..like why's ps so..unwilling to say. guess she isn't comfortable to share huh. but its ok not like we're close. i mean i dont know. forget it. and i also learned from my friend that the two of em went home together on thursday but that was purely unintentional and all her fault as she had something of his friend's that he needed to return. stupid biatch. while i was doing my maths at the benches, i kind of actually teared. very little. my classmates were there so yeah. when it started to rain i slept for a while cos i was so darn tired. but it all felt good. when i saw him going fer pe i looked at him for a while. just stared into his eyes then looked away. wondering if i should have stared longer and make him go..huh? lol.

after that i was in the canteen and joined my friends. i was too lazee to do anything lol. after sendin fana off i started to mug. when the guys came they were pretty noisy. but the whole thing was quite fun, not stressful. had my share of laughter. lol. funny funny. got a postcard from fana. hee. sweet. dah was muggin in school with her friends too and i helped them with a maths qn. good thing i could do it. lol. or else, it'll just prove fer me ta be plain dumb! haha. when we left he was at the bus stop. haha then we missed our 198. actually i wanted to sit with him and talk but hafiz sat there. darn and his bus came. lol. grr. lol. at least we acknowledged each other our hellos and goodbyes. hee. sri actually got down at bouna vista. haha. omg! all the guys were horrible aft playin soccer at the field outside lib. their pants were muddy and disgusting. walked home. then i msged him! yes i did LOL!! andt hat practically changed EVERYTHING

i was casually asking about his grades. then i tried to ask why he's suddenly taking bus and all. hee. so i learned that he just meets her cos she goes to school that way. and it just ends there. he said the words i just needed to hear. he's so sweet. hee. he said himself a moron cos i was saying i felt more than just irritated and that he wouldn't understand me even if i told him. haha and i said he's not but a special angel. awwwww. weeeeeee! gosh, you don't know how darn happy i was after that. it's like whatever went wrong the whole week was just made right. and i was thinking maybe i`ll message him every friday. kinda like a routine. it'll be cool. hee. it's saturday today. will have to study. and im kinda bored. haha. luckily i finished a lot of work during the week. now ive got only got maths to do and i can do some chem revision. =D such a long entry. cheers to anybody who read it all. lol.

dreamer ♥ 11:54 AM

Sunday, July 11, 2004

finally found time to update! -cheers-
thursday seems like we'll only get back our exam papers next week. did some admin stuff and tys questions again. it's pretty useful actually. and sometimes im wondering if im just too soft or she's ignoring me. lol. but it's alright. heh. i actually slept during maths lecture. i didn't understand anything that was going on. before that i prepared for my chem practical. had lunch with the gurls after school and completed our prac. hee. he was on the same row as me. -grins- but he left. boohoo. ginger came halfway with yam. it started getting a little noisy as people slowly came to the canteen. i was doing my work. he was walking about two rows in front of me. he was lookin in my direction, but ahead of me. i think i was just staring at him blankly. lol. who'd have guess his eyes will stop dancing around the canteen and eventually rest upon me. and then he gave me this omg..the most-drop-dead-gorgeous-kinda-smile !! *faints* really really. it was so.. WOWWWWW.. *chuckles* after that i just couldn't help but have sneaks of what he was doing. teehee. he left eventually though. i studied in school till 850. was pretty productive. mugging with my two indian friends is really fun. -smiles-
friday i passed my gp content retest. we just had to fill in what we had left blank from the previous time. then we had maths tut. i just copied the solutions cos i have yet to do my tut and assgn for chapter4. sheesh i don't even know what's chapter 4 about. i'll just concentrate on the test topics for now. 1-3 on thursday heh. got back our report books too. ACD C6 lar huh. sigh. bio-drop in performance. nvm. i'll work harder. i need to work on the way i link between chapters and answer my questions. i really got a shock when sri told me he got OFF or OOF? i worry for these people. they really needta work doubly hard? no? maybe they can do it but they were just slacking. ah. nvm. i stayed back in school again of cos. my godsista came by to look at my report book. heh. major noise pollution, but man i love her. lol. =) then we were oogling at some guys. okok, i was going ga-ga over my prince. haha. he was standing in the sun. and the sunlight on his skin just made him look so stunning. i have a photographic memory in my mind of his image at that time! (of a lot of times actually. lol.) after that i went to watch the intrhse soccer finals. BIKILA won of cos! he wasn't playing. darrnnn the poor guy's sick! sigh. i got to sit beside him. not too close. haha. im not thhhaaattt desperate. =P woohooo. we talked and all. cool. -smiles-
saturday i was SO sick! had an attack. spent my mornings lying down watching teevee. it was fun though. but the sad thing is that i really kind of wasted my saturday. couldn't help but watch all of those tarzan series. and they're showing Tarzan the movie tonight. can't wait to watch it. lol. im sucha sucker for disney movies! *grins*
sunday i'm done with studying for my NMR test tmrw. even redid my tut and tys questions. maybe before i sleep or tmrw morning i`ll reread my notes and go through my tut. for now, after updating im going to do group2 tut. im slow actually. there's still group7 to do. never mind. one at a time yar. maybe in school tmrw i'll do bio tut. unless i have time tonight. before thursday i will have to redo my maths tut 1-3. reread the lecture examples and most importantly redo the revision ex. i dont think i`ll have the time, but if i do then i`ll do more tys questions.
well, last but not least - 115 days to A levels. -smiles-

dreamer ♥ 4:50 PM