...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Friday, August 27, 2004

As I rest against this cold hard wall will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out
And start again?
Is He not brave enough
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again?
If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness; find the strength I’ve never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God’s plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out
And start again?
Is He not brave enough
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into His hands and turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance its there I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out
And start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

silently praying. . .

dreamer ♥ 1:53 AM

i feel dissipated. for all i can do is sit and stare and nothing else. nothing else at all. just sit and watch life pass me by. i do have something to work towards to. i do not need any inspiration to study. but.. i can't. i can't look at my notes or book for more than 15 minutes. i'm that sick. sick. sick sick sick. i was down with flu and fever yesterday. everything and anything that can go wrong, is going wrong. i can feel the next few days, maybe even the next few weeks..going down the drain. and there's nothing i can do about it. i can only sit and watch. if i am going to feel like this for the next few days or so, i'm giving up. i'm sorry. i have to. because it all feels so pointless. you don't know what it's like to have a stinging pain in your lungs when you cough. when tears flow, but you don't cry. even though there's light at the other end of the tunnel, no matter how much you seem to run towards it, you get nowhere near it. you run and run..only to find yourself at the same spot. you only end up emasculated. i can only wait, to heal. then i'll start..but when will that be. miracles only happen when you least expect them to, but i feel like i need one now and i know i won't get it. cos they don't work that way.
wanting to study and you just can't do it. it's painful. too painful. silly ain't it. all the hard work for so long, now means nothing anymore. lord, i hope you can hear me because i feel like im fading, losing my grip on the one thing i thought i had left; my hope. you know how much i have sacrificed, how much of hard work i have put into my studies to be where i am now. how much ive tried and persisted. i do not want to fail now. i can't lose out now. please..please help me. i do not know what i must do now. i don't know... its like being on a quagmire. you're gonna drown anytime.
i wish there was someone i can talk to. someone who'll truly understand me. someone who can feel with me. ha, i say that all the time. i keep saying i'd rather be in a hospital with an oxygen tank so that it wouldn't be so hard to breathe.
some things cannot be expressed in words.

dreamer ♥ 12:03 AM

Monday, August 23, 2004

it's been a week since i stopped staying back in school to study. and i have got to admit that i do not feel that tired anymore. and ive also stopped taking chocolates soft drinks and coffees. if anybody out there drinks lots of coffee do stop alright. it slows down your productivity. honest. well, i'm still doubtful if i should register at the study centre. little did i know she'll invite her gang of friends over. but its ok. all's going to study anyway right. hmmmm. i don't feel the need to come online anymore. and i don't feel the need to sleep either. like you know, sleep without doing work kinda thing. the best thing of all is having to feel that you don't need to cut anymore. it's a beautiful kind of freedom. -smiles- what my chem tutor said in class is stuck in my head. whatever you do, never never give up. she had a student who failed to pass all chem tests. eventually he got a C for A levels. i'm sure hard work was put in, in the end. but if he can achieve that i may be able to achieve the B i have been long dreaming off. i am going to try nonetheless. it's funny how seriously nobody believes me when i say i haven't study. just like wend was sayin..'nobody believes you havent studied' lol. though its funny and a little irritating how people only hear what they want to hear and think what they think, it kind of gives me somewhere to start. people actually think i'm the kind who's always studying, when in fact i haven't done much for the past week. though i found it horrid it's kind of boosting my determination now. psychologically benefiting i suppose. lol. i must try in every way possible. i will try and keep trying. in the meanwhile, taking care of my health.
it's been a long long time, since i've felt good and happy about the people around me, my life and myself. Thank You to all who have played a part. i feel like i'm in my own shoes now. and it's great, being able to stand on your own two feet, once again. =)

dreamer ♥ 7:34 PM