...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Thursday, September 30, 2004

where do i start. the flickering of the light i've seen in the tunnel has just gone out today. ive felt my world crashing down on me today. it was just like a big blow. as if God slapped me and told me you deserve all this. firstly today we got back bio mcq. i passed definitely but not to my expectations. but i already know i made a lot of careless mistakes. my tutor was saying she can see some people going on to get their As and Bs and there are a small group whose foundation isn't really there yet. i believe my foundation is pretty alright but i'm definitely not on my way to any A or B for my bio. I can only expect D and below. and that kind of breaks me apart. maths lecture was going through ofsome prelim questions. my friends and i played hangman towards the last 45 mins. it was fun. gp was when the blow came. as you would have guessed i failed my gp. miserably. what makes it difficult is that only five people in my class failed and in general my class supposedly did well compared to the rest. which goes to mean that my class is doing well and i'm not. everybody is taking two steps forward. but me? i'm taking one step forward and two steps back. unsurprisingly i failed my maths. i knew i would anyway since i didn't even study. not until the last minute of course. i did paper1 really badly though i got a marginal pass for paper two. so yeah i failed my maths. we'll be getting back chem tmrw and i hope that wouldn't break my already broken heart.

i was very sad i don't know why. i obviously know that its not any good to be crying over things that have been done and decided but i can't help it. just let me wallow in self pity i guess for a while. you have no idea how wasted i feel. at first i was mad. i wasn't the one who wanted to be sick that week. would things really have been different if i was well? but then again there's no use wondering now. do you really think i can make it because i'm at the edge of my hope and i don't know if i can hold on. is one month enough. to do everything? it just seems impossible. but i have to do it right. i have no other choice. i have to give my all. totally. and yet i cannot overwork. *sigh* i haven't sorted out how i'm going to help myself. let my grades bring me down now. then i'll push myself up slowly.

wasn't this what i have always been worried of in the beginning. whenever i start to do well, and i have been over the first few months of the year till halfway through, it will eventually start to go downhill at one point and this is it. i've hit rock bottom. thankfully it isn't the end and i have one more chance to prove to myself. maybe this will make me want to work harder. much much harder. hopefully eventually i will do well. i just don't know what to say anymore you know.

but my horoscope today gives me hope. it says :: after what seems like centuries of waiting, it's time to act on your most longed-for hopes and dreams. sure, it's intimidating. but, why stop now? never-never land us right within your grasp.

off to do some work now. god please be with me. i don't even have the courage to tell my mom i failed both my maths and gp. don't really want to hear what she wana say. but hais .

dreamer ♥ 6:38 PM

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

the prelims are over. and i thought i was looking forward to this day. but though its here it doesnt feel much special. that's because the major exams are nearer. i don't know if i realise it that my A levels are only less than a month away. maybe i avoid thinking about it too much because i know that it'll only make me cry. i'm taking a two day break. rest is all i'll do. i'm reading storybooks too.
actually i updated my diary. i don't know why i have two going on here. shall i just retire to only one? but i'll probably choose the one i have at od. the problem is i don't want to lose more precious entries. hmm. it does have certain problems too. and i only update my od when i feel the need that i really need to pour my feelings out. i guess thats bcos not many people know of its existence or so i hope. i know this blog thingie is easily accesible. many people can find me here easily. ugh i dont know. don't want to think about it.
after this two day break i have start with a strategy. i have start to make my way to going all out. i have to do it. though the ast few dayshave been filled with nothin but just pure mugging and it all seems so hopelessi'll get through it. it'll only come to pass.
i don't even know why im typing this enrty. i just don't really feel lke typing. i don't even knowif i'll make to my friends house tmrw. as much as i know i need to chill out, i don't feel like it. but i will be taking a break from sudying through these beautiful novels. im sorry im just depressed.

dreamer ♥ 3:39 AM