...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, July 12, 2003

thursday
to tell you the truth i have no clue why i didn't sleep the previous night. i could have but i don't know why i didn't. in the mornin before school drank a cup of coffe with two slices of bread. was survivin ok during the first few periods. don't know why i didn't even feel like eating during the 925 break, but i ate fries. bio pract was alrights. like the teacher mucho? heh. have such an interest for bio? but not for the other subjects, like how sad is that. no gp lesson cos there was some dumb games thingy. pui sin yueru and me went to the library and we slept. i was really sleepy. during the lunch break went to get the can nescafe from BP. it was really good? very very effective. was with anisah shalu and farhana. then we were all accompanying one another to their classes. hmmm, was very hyper already? kept laughing away. finally was with farhana who was waiting for history to begin. clive say i laugh til he can hear from inside his class? my friend from across too. gee. i'm so disgustingly horrible. ugh. was very attentive during bio tut? heh. i was actually giving answers? not bad ah. lols. since i was so high, pw was actually fun? yeahs. oh my gawd. talking about pw, i realise i have to type out the minutes..again. when mins need to taken everybody will give that look like they do not want to do? it's not a nice sight? so i'll be like.. ah.. yar yar i'll take AGAIN. but i think yani won't let that happen again. today our discussion was monitored by another teacher? was ok lar. luckily i was high and stuff? if not i'd be totally tired and all. but eventually i was gettin tired during the make-up tutorial for maths. but there was food to eat? heh. cool. then i went to the hall for dance practiced. was totally shagged already? hmmmm. tummy painful. my fault, didn't eat? i only had two bucks for the whole of thursday unwisely spent on fries but also on coffee.but i really don't know? people who were arnd me were thinking if there was something wrong with me. but honestly, there wasn't? polly was like, you don't usually sit down and stuff. always hyper what? LOL. nah. sighs. did so many times? i think i almost fainted? last two rounds i really couldn't. but i gritted my teeth and got through it somehow. left school only at around 8pm? was so darn late already. and since i took 198 had to walk from buona vista mrt station to my house which is a long distance. came home and had dinner immediately. slept around 12+. i was totally drained.

friday
my group was the first to do the GP presentation today. idiot heh. i didn't being my "speech". so just imprompto. mdm sal said good.. cos of the effort we had put in. only our group did a ppt presentation. hardworking aye? got yani what. lol. met anisah and went to the canteen. saw the rest there. thanks a lot rae for helping me to get wanqi's card! =) it's pretty alright heh. well the decision is to give it to her on monday. together with the present that i have to but tml and which i have no money?!!!! wtf right. ugh. i think i`ll get from jiamao first. if not i dunno lar. then asked jiamao to help me get the signatures. then saw clive what. was asking him to get for me the j2s signatures, since he's j2. talked damn fast? ha. but that slacker, as if he wanted. so jiamao took it back in the end. waste my breath? decided to just get the j1s to sign lar. was high? heh. kept laughing and crapping away in the canteen. we actually used the band room. lol. had to call clive so many times? so sorry kaes? uhmm. ok fast forward >>>>> to acs barker.

was feeling excited! heh. we went into the holding room. did the last minute touch ups. stretched and did some of the steps yar. hmmmm. revised everything and all that lar. hmmmm. sec schs were there. wonder if new town took part? lol. =\ our turn came and went very quickly. just damn damn fast lohs. haaaaa. oh mannn. we were first among the jcs, if i ain't wrong heh. not that many jcs taking part either? don't know lar. after that was like wah. happy? lols. i know i did my best. heh. we'll only get the results next week?! NONSENSE. went to watch the tv in the canteen, to see the other schools. NJ was like darn good?! and they had like SO many people. really damn wow, esp their formations heh. their steps weren't powerful but i guess they had the number. oh well. went to wash up and change. so difficult to get off all that make up! gee. horrible. lol. then got ready to go for dinner. i agreed to go for fun even though i didn't have money. just 2 bucks left, again? sighs. -.-" i know i took out my buscard from my bag. i was holding it. but it was not until the bus stop did i realise that it wasn't in my hand anymore. i was so freaking pissed? damn grrr?! and yar before that already i abit unstable. cos like.. yar anisah kept going with shalu. i mean i dont understand ya know. one time you complain so much to me that you don't like her and stuff yet you can the next point leave me and stick with her. so yeah -whatever-. just blasted linkin park in my discman and remained in my own little world. polly asked? i just said.. "shhh"..gently. =). hmmm only got myself a pepsi. talked with kavitha they all. vijay shalu n anisah were on my left side. didn't talk to them. irritated maybe? dont know. hurmph. polly said i look lost. HA. dunno lar. heck. just kept smsing tejay. took bus together with maga faisal and jasmin. took 97 got down at jas hse n took another bus home. reached home pretty late. hmmm. faisal knows he didn't speak much tamil back in new town. its a huge difference really when compared. oh well.

heard the oral was horrible? darn difficult? there goes my hopes.. down the drain. yeap. i think i might just get a fail. fail everything right.. then retain. ha. -.- sighs. was talkign to srinivas ya see yeah. there's like less than three months now before the promos. i do not understand the things mr jega teaches during tamil tut. my chemistry is like hopeless. lost in between chapters. my maths is totally nonsense. only have hopes for my bio? but it's just that there are lots of facts? so have got to start early, and i will. cos i wanna try my best and give it a go for bio. and my gp is a goner. and there's common test for gp tml. compre. i'm so gonna fail?! i don't know a thing about application question? sigh. i'm such a sore loser?! wonder why i come to jc in the first place when i can't cope with all the subjects. such a dumb ass right? ugghhhh. hatred for myself. hatred hatred hatred. i really have no desire to retain. really do not want to. but look at me now. such a useless state i am in. i'm just one pile of shit.unwanted resource that needs to be disposed off. good thing the syfs are over. only have band now. which isn't tt imp now either. but sighs. where am i to start? what am i to do? totally clueless. hopeless too. -gulp- i remember hearing shalu tellin anisah she can't make it for sunday's tuition. see lar. never bother to tell me that both of them have decided not to go. fine lar, best of friends already what those too. but i'll go on sunday. cos i need to go to wdlnds again to study. have a lot of work to do. not gonna stay at home. nothing will get done. sighs. i'm rather messed up now. i'm too tired to write further. need to sleep. nights all.

dreamer ♥ 12:28 AM

Thursday, July 10, 2003

wednesday morning i was feeling rather refreshed and bright. had to run all the way from the gate to the parade square. heh. it was the first time i think, i was so awake during GP not having the need to rest my head on the table. seems like the chem assgn and maths quiz are both on friday but i wouldn't be able to take them cos i'll be released at 10. but i told ms tan i can take the chem assgn at 925! damn it. i think i'll ask her to let me take it next week,cos i don't have time to study. it's really too much. same goes for the maths quiz. i was really tired when school ended. was reading the newpaper about the twins. uh, really very sad. sighs. we had full dress rehearsal today. used two classrooms. pretty alright. BUT the costume for the folk dancers is too grand! sheesh! it's so heavy especially with all the jewellery and all. unbelievable. so heavy. lol. but when we dance, just have to forget that we're carrying that amount of weight. we have to exaggerate our steps even more, and with more energy. man, the dance practice was so tiring cos we were practicing with more than 100%. i really hope we get gold? i mean if we don't it'll be totally f*cked up. 6 almost 7 bloody months. *shake head* felt DAMN tired i slept in the bus. luckily i was able to keep my costume in shalini's locker. brought home the jewellery though.

when i came home, ate two curry puffs. dinner? ha. then i fell asleep? wanted to get up around 8+ or 9 but only got up at 10? and when i got up, i could feel my body aching all over. and i was still feeling tired than ever. and it's even worse knowing you've got work to do! oh my gawd. but i'm really really tired. and it's scary - my thursday. only have the normal 925 break, lunch break and that's it. i'll be having lessons until 515 and afterwhich i will be having dance practice straight away. oh no. i hope i don't faint or anything. lol. kiddin. but yeah. really stressful? i'm like so totally drained already. oh my, friday's the big day. kind of can't wait for it to be over. not overwhelmed by the excitement & nervousness yet! came online to try and relax. yeahs. didn't have the mood to like study or anything? yeahs. saw joyce online. my friend in NJ. was talking to her. i was hesistating if i should tell her the truth or not. and at the same time i was chatting with clive you see. he was telling me about chatting with his mom..and yar. then i don't know. rush of tangled emotions maybe. kind of broke down? i really did. stress maybe i don't know. the things we take for granted.

i mean, i'm the most horrible daughter any mother will never dream of having. seriously, horrible. ya know when my mom talks to me i'll be staring into space listening to her and not saying a word. i really don't know. sometimes i have no clue to why i behave as such. then on the other hand, the problem with the girls? i just feel they expect too much from me. but they just don't understand my point of view. seems like i've known the truth all along? buried deep inside this troubled heart of mine. glad i told joyce how i felt? really made me feel better. as if a huge burden has been lifted off my chest. yeah. this problem with the girls has always been bothering me? i just never had the time to like sort out what i feel. but didn't know i'll get over n done with it that quickly. well learnt a horrifying truth that.. karen kinda cried.. cos she feels that she didn't try enough.. to find out what's wrong with me. *sobs. so sad? can you imagine how bad i feel? gonna write her a postcard laters. well bingzhen messaged me too? poor gurl, stressed too..cos she's got so much work to do..and also tests to study. sighs. hope she'll pull through. actually everyone pulls through eventually.

then i finally went offline. well i did my work! -grin- satisfied with myself? that kind of sense of achievement ya know. did my chemistry practical and also maths tut7 and the 1st on assgn7. well. yeay?! haaa. i mean at least i gave it a go. but didn't do gp. just heck? heh. tired? don't think today i'll be able to update. cos i will have to turn in early so that i'd be fresh on friday. oh yes forgot to mention that i'm in love with vijay's new bag? it's sling, OP, deeppink and only 30+?! i so love it really. heh. hmmm i'm still craving for fifi's cookies! lols. wonder when he'll bake 'em. hope i can survive school today? can't sleep cos of the coffee i drank. didn't know that it's so good? i think i will drink another cup later. and during breaks i'm gonna buy cans from BP. =x. i really cannot afford to fall sleepy. cos thursday's SUCH a long day and moreover there's dance prac! -gulp- anyways. i love this layout? really very very adorable? full of aww-ness. oh yes friday's wanqi's birthday!!!! -panic- haven't gotten her anything? i don't even know what to get her? though of also gettin a card, but don't think i can find all 46 ppl to sign it in time? i don't know. gee. smsed angel about it. will see what she says. next birthday will be yin han, 20th. see i memo. lol. heh. alrights. i guess i'll end here. take care everyone. *huggies-

dreamer ♥ 4:30 AM

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

added ::
I received Jennifer's postcard + letter today!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy! Even though we could email one another and chat online.. writing letters is like.. so much more.. hee. last time i used to write frequent letters? with two of my pri sch friends and some others. but all that has stopped cos i'm so busy. yeahs. anyway, there wasn't any dance practice yesterday! Lol. how perfect right. hee.
well i`m awake now 4+am cos i can't sleep? i don't know why. suddenly woke up at 4am and i can't fall asleep again. so here i am. heh. well was reading the news at channel newsasia. hmmmm this is an excerpt i thought i'll just post.
Mr Shaban Shahidi, Iranian Ambassador in Jakarta, said: "Today these two flowers do not exist anymore. I believe they are not only two flowers, they were two swallows who flew from Iran to come to Singapore to submit to the destiny. The destiny wanted them together.

"For 29 years, they said "yes" to the destiny. But finally they decided to challenge, and in this challenge, science and medicine came to the rescue. The name of the operation is 'Hope'. The challenge is lost but the hope will continue.

"Ladan and Laleh, like two butterflies have burnt in the candle of destiny, but it is the light of this candle which gives us the hope to continue the endeavour for the betterment of human life."
- says a prayer for the twins -
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heyyy! was busy on monday. didn't exactly get a chance to update heh. was practically doing pw for the whole day. proud of myself cos i managed to do the proving identities in tut 7a ! hurrayyyy lols. well school today was pretty alright. i must say, today is a day that kind of went my way? some what close to a perfectly normal day? yeaps. well was late in the morning as i had to rush back home to retrieve my handphone which i forgot! sheesh. had to run to the parade square. ugh! why does it have to be so far away from the bus stop. so annoying. haha. got my printed stuff from clive..thanks ah? lols. chemistry lecture nothing much. yani was telling me she cried the previous night cos she's very stressed and stuff. really sad. sigh. hope her mom will understand that she needs to study and not take care of her brother. hope her lil sister will be more cooperative. hmmmm. it was raining lightly during pe. we didn't run at all? like wow. but did like almost 100 jumping jacks? tiring sia. lol. then did pull ups which was like super fun. i kept laughing all the way, couldn't stop. heh. for the girls our friends carried us up and down up and down. really farnie.

we had to go to LT5 for some talk. grr. so hungry!!!!!! lols. really boring! haa. was smsing people. hee. had our break after that talk. missed GP! -grin. heh. well i so wanted to subscribe for the TIMES mag.. 2 yrs subscription and you`ll get that essay book thingy for free?! sighs. but i can't? asked my mom. she can't come with the money by friday. only next week, which is too late. double sighs. well mr jega came late during mother tongue! haahaha. best. we were eating food in the class and just laughing away as usual. tamil tut are always full of laughter? and chinni wasn't present today! haha. he bought this sweets which are like ermm herbal ones? made us eat them. yuckiee! lols. spat it out halfway. keke. talked about lots of stuff. then it was bio lecture. wasn't listening at all? HA. =x

went to JP wit rei-muh-ree for lunch. ate at pizza hut! heh. been long since i ate there. was like totally full! rae best. still eat extra kaya pizza. lol. that gurl sure has a huge appetite. heh. stayed there fer like pretty long. from 1+ to 3+ heh. then acompanied her to make keychain fer her hp. hmmm. nothing much lar. came home and tried doing maths. but fell asleep halfway. was really really tired. woke up and did my tut6. hope the maths quiz isn't tml? even though i wouldn't mind if it's tml. er whatever heh. just pray that my chem assignment wouldn't be tml?! if not i'm sure to fail? it's not like if it's on thursday i'd pass.. but yar..aiyar dunno lar.. =(.. i think i`ll read someof my chem notes before going to sleep. sigh.. totally sad about the death of the twins during the surgery. sighs. was hoping the second would survive ya know. :( hais. *shake head* shall say no more. =s

dreamer ♥ 12:19 AM

Monday, July 07, 2003

heyyyy. kind of slacked the sunday away. gee. feel so guilty about it. but there's no point in having regrets now. i only woke up in the afternoon. slept pretty late reading harry potter. well i'm finally done reading the fourth book. can't wait to get my hands on the fifth book! -grin- it's just so much of fun, reading. heh. after that i sat down to start on my gp work. however unfortunately i ended up watching titanic. it's a darn nice show. heh. oh man. my sister and i sure are at loggerheads with one another. tried my best to keep my mouth shut at all times. well, just can't stand her. argh. oh well. after watching tv finally came to do my gp. got help from edna viv and nad. heh. thanks guys. there's a meeting regarding our work tomorrow at 9 at macs. uh. have to get up early and i hate that, totally. well wanted to do some pw stuff. but kind of got distracted. so i was browsing through some layouts. found a few cool ones. yeah, i'm kind of thinking about a change. but ain't too sure about it. just hafta wait and see. -smiles-

oh, now i remember why i got distracted. it were joyce's smses. i shouldn't have replied. should have waited til laters. oh well, she messaged me and said something like..she just wants me to know that all of them care. uhm. yar. the girls told her i'm drifting away from them. what am i suppose to tell her ? sighs i haven't even figured it out myself. ya know, whatever i do i always want what's best for everyone around me. but sigh. in this situation. i'm really lost. she did say she felt real sad, so sad that she didn't want to talk cos she was slightly angry. well i don't blame her. but i can't say that i'll blame myself for everything. well, it may have been my fault, yes. but partly. she told me she's organising this touch rugby match called the six challenge..for the six of us. uhm, yeah i know all of you are in touch but.. sigh i don't know how to put in to words what i feel. she can hate me if she wants. oh i hate myself for saying that. bleaghs. what am i thinking man. but how can this ever be resolved? i don't think it will ya know. i just.. i don't know really. it just occurred to me too that..even though bz and i are o talking terms..it's a little different. i'm not blind. but i'm not worrying about it too much either. it's not bothering me too much, but it is.

but what can i say. things change. people change. and i can't judge if it's for better or worse. and how long will it take before i realise its effects. sometimes there's nothing one can do to undo the change. we just have to accept, pick up the broken pieces and move on. i'm not depressed. just, these thoughts pass through my mind at times. and sometimes.. just only sometimes.. i feel out of place in this world. i can keep asking myself questions what i've done wrong and why. but i know i won't get any answers. but that's not all life's made up of. and there are other things to be happy about too. -smile- and its that feeling you get from head to toe. the feeling where everything's going to be ok. and everything will be ok. i'll get through it.

dreamer ♥ 5:39 AM