...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, September 20, 2003

woke up pretty early today. had to give clive a wake up call? but slept again. didn't attend maths lecture. oh well. i did go to jp for CIP at the library. it was pretty tiring shelfing the books. luckily it was only for three hours. the next time would be next year. thank god. after that got myself coffee milkshake from mos which tastes really good. made my way home. felt really cold. but it was a nice journey home. there was this little gurl sitting across that looked at me with those innocent eyes of hers. the innocence we now long to go back to.
before her gaze could melt my heart, i looked away. only to listen to the voices. i started evaulating things. i asked questions. the voices are preparing my mind. mind over heart. -whispers- mind over heart. the weather was beautiful. it had just stopped raining. i was walking as though i've found the least bit of inner peace. i was looking at things in a different perspective. walking has never been so refreshing.

this song is sung by evanescence - my immortal. i like.
my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

dreamer ♥ 7:51 PM

*stretches* sooooo tirrreeeeddd!! was suppose to blog much earlier on but got caught up with browsing through templates. -whhiiinnneeyyy- ooops lols. school's been pretty alrights today. was totally tiring yesterday. couldnt do much when i met edna to study on thursday. only managed to learn like 20+ words. fell asleep in the night instead of studying and actually managed to learn everything the next morning. power rights. haha. oh well. the test was okaes. i did badly fer the yishun paper. not only me lar. but yar. sighs. need to do lots of work. gp also very badly done. only just passed my compo. grrr. but yar at least i passed.

pe was fun yet tiring. played captain's ball again. lesser people though. mmmm. we were practically screaming more than we were playing. or was it just me? hahas. basically a short day. didn't plan on going fer the gp workshop thingie on QA. but i'll go for the AQ one. met up with edna again today straight after school. couldn't study when i first got there. so slept fer half an hour first. then read through my maths. don't understand quite well though. sighs. then i tried to start bio. i couldn't do anything lohs. like keep reading the same goddamned line and nothing went in. SO FRUSTRATING! so i went to get a coffee. breathe some fresh air to cool down.

oh yar. clive joined us too. mmmm. had some food. the usual lar huh. mmmm. i couldnt study lar lol. kept complaining. maybe too stress already. or else just too tired and stuff. laughed and talked quite a lot. but laughing is quite a stress reliever actually? yeaps good good. heh. mmmm yar. but i did finish studying tt one chap of bio~ hurrays to me! but still must practice tys qn lar. still got one more chapter. aahhh. still got chem and also HMWK.. 2 more weeekkss!!! gonna be damned intense. shits. really scared. sighs. hahaa. crazy already. saw clive's art work.. it's like damn damn damn nice!! sooooo goood man!! totally wow! damn damn nice.. loved 'em.. amazing.. -clap clap- lol.. too bad he didn't bring the comic gurl one.. think that's really cool.. oh yar the hands one very nice.. aiyar everything also nice lar.. lols.. i was half memorising half singing.. sang almost all the songs they played on perfect ten.. lol.. been long aye? hahas. yar. only left around 8 plus. was very tired already. saw nora mariam also there. then came home slack some more? darn shyt. ahhhh. oh well. too tired to state da details and yar.. sis need ta use..

im so so so soooooo dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -faints-

dad's bday.. happy birthday to him.. :).. mmm he didn't drink.. -smile-..

dreamer ♥ 12:32 AM

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

the day started of well actually. even lay was saying i was in a good mood. hazel took the bus today. didn't feel the usual with them. the thought about wishing i could spend more time with them or the guilt of not spending enough time with them. just felt nothing. just normal. lessons went alright. cept fer chem tutorial. didn't know there'll be chem tut today cos usually its prac. didn't bring my organic tut the one edna helped me with. so irritating. oh well but i shouted out answers in class heh heh. -grin- she's sucha bump. complaining that its too hot - in container classroom - so ended lesson early. which was ppartially good? however if it was andrew tan or so, he would have made full use of the period.

we were waiting in the lt opp lt1 as the j2s were in there. the most horrifying thing happened in there. i was totally dumbstruck. felt like she just violated my world. she just stripped me down right there in front of everyone. it was humiliating. i was in disbelief. couldn't believe how ignorant she could be towards my feelings. i just walked out and smsed clive. so close to breaking down. just had to control. but it was just horrid. totally. just stood out fighting back the emotions. went back in took my bag and came back out. smsing. kept silent. the tears were forcing their way out of me. just stayed in control. went in and got ready for the exam. still hurt. still pissed. yani was telling me nto to bother about what she said. that's when thoughts of how could she have done that to me made me tear a little.

the paper was totally alright? have confidence to pass? just hope i do pass? cos most of the questions are actually from promo paper 2001 and i kinda did that paper twice. don't feel too right about it cos its like.. not a challenge for me anymore. i can't really guage where i stand. and i might not work harder? but i must try and keep up with studying for my maths. keep practising. i'll make it; eventually.

was talking to myself on the way home. just evaluating some stuff. just clearing the disbelief. i really can't comprehend why i'm filled with pretty much disgust when i know i'm entering home. as though it's another torture. home's not the same like it is for you guys. i don't know. it's weird. i isolate myself at home. totally.

listening to linkin park. such ear candy. gotta start learing for this test on friday. not gonna fail that. oh man. i just wanna do well for everything. gonna study bio too. there's a bio test and assignment next week. there's also a chem assignment next week. i've done a chap for bio. one more to go. but i'm afraid i've forgotten everything i learnt? -shrugs- need to refresh everything. might be meetin up with edna tml. hope i end at 430pm. wonder how school will be tomorrow. hope it wouldn't be too weird. should i just keep to myself? will they ask me anything? can they just... leave me alone...

dreamer ♥ 7:29 PM

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

think i was too happy yesterday that i left out the negative stuff. well my dad's been sacked. but he's found another new job? yar so still on two jobs. but now his salary is 200 lesser? that's like what 500+? siggghhhhh. -shake head- not gonna comment on it now. well today has been a rather negative day. guess it's just me. just felt like keeping to myself today. ya know quieter than usual and just minding my own business. (not like i poke my nose around always k!=P) well yar. people come up to me asking what's wrong? hurr? hahaha. i thought i found myself pretty much the same? maybe a little tired cos i got up at 4am to study. but other than that just stressed over studies? that's about it. yar. even during bio lect guess mariam noticed me. then she was like, what's up with you? so i -nothin?- ahhh. don't really like being asked what's wrong when nothing really is. i mean, am i really potraying an image as if something's wrong? then why do i feel pretty normal? -shrugs-

puisin gave me a postcard the other day. thought it was pretty sweet for someone to show their care n concern once in a while? yar. thank sweetie. wrote her a reply today. heh. more people saw. during maths concultation. i was like what the hell. whatever. i need a watch. help. ok to the stress part now.

ya know during pe mr ng was talking to us. he said that surely this year MORE people are going to retain. i was like wtf? what great encouragement? if i have to retain i'll totally cry? really. oh my gawd. so stressing okaes. i don't know lar. and when everyone around you is doing nothing but mugging man.. the pressure really rises. and tml's the maths mock. realised i'm gonna fail. but i'm hoping for a not-too-bad-fail. sighs. failing is equally bad enough. i don't know what to do now and all? like yar. ugh. whatever. my fault anyway. mmmm. then today i stayed back to do maths. its either i was tired.. or sooo fucking stressed up that i kept making mistakes for every single thing and even SEE things wrongly. so yar that was damn bad and i decided to go home earlier. oh man. horrible. yar. uhmmm. sighs. so much work to do before the promos? and like so little time left? and my bio i'm only like 1/4 way through. haven't started on my chem AT ALL. just had a surprise tamil mock today!! shyyttt mannn. ahh. at least it wasn't compo, wch will be next week.

-inhale-exhale-inhale-exhale-

not gonna sleep.. just gonna take a "rest" some how.. don't know how exactly.. bought coffee.. mocha one.. real thick.. but ugh who cares.. wodner if it was just pe but was having a bad bad cough.. mmm.. just hope i won't go sick? haven't been eating properly either. ooops. but just don't have the appetite at times. and YAR. recently haven't been very peaceful at home? like.. just feel so pissy being in this house ya know. that's totally bad. i mean.. like yar.. so not at ease. i totally don't know why. maybe just irritated by the people around me!

haaaa. i'm driving myself crazy here. okaes. gonna do whatever i can for maths and hope i can get at least a 40 or so. bleaghs. so low. cant believe this. =\ oh well. like yar.. i cant expect 60 or higher rights! that's like.. HA HA HA. mmmm. hahaha.. sorry? i just need to complain and complain so i wont think too much bout it now.. kaes.. off i go now.. sis need ta use too.. laters..

dreamer ♥ 8:36 PM

Monday, September 15, 2003

heyyys! on sunday went to study again at boon lay macs. met edna there first. did a lot of work actually. completed my bio tutorial, tamil worksheet, did some maths and also half of my chem tut. thanks to edna aye! lols. thanks a lot really really! if you weren't there prolly wouldn't have been able to do also. haha. thanks once again! appreciate your help lots! clive came arnd late afternoon. weird ah that guy come laugh laugh. crazy. around evening we went to get some food. finally found the choco babies. looks really cuuttee!! lols. and edna so silly didn't close the box tightly so the choco babies fell! so many.. so clive had like.. 30+ miscarriages! wuhahaaha. it was sooo sooo darn funny lohs. actually study with these two peeps very fun? keep laughin a lot? hah. but don't get the wrong idea.. we very hardcore also!! lols. yeaps. i also completed the summary of my gp. heh anyhow do lar. hee. apparently kind of completed all my hmwk cept for chem. *yeeaayyy* left really late around i think 9 or later? yar.. walked edna to her area then took 99 with clive. actually wanted to do some work when i got home but was toooo tired already! heh. so ended up watching tv. ER was very nice actually heh. watched till uhm like.. 1+? pretty late aye. then went to sleep.

today mornin had a hard time waking up. was just sooo lazee. didn't feel like going to school at all. haha. didn't know how to do my hair. a lot realised my hair's different lol. but most think its just that i tie differently? but yar, the length's pretty much the same just very layered now then got the fringe and all. grr. heh. mmm. saw clive in the mornin..unfortunately he didn't wake up at 4am to continue studyin his lit?! hahaha. silly. oh well. the day was pretty much alrights. revised lots of stuff for bio.yani didn't come to school today. but realised i can pretty much get along with the rest. heh. so guess it's ok. heh. anyway i'm very glad i completed almost all my hmwk? cos now i've got more time to study and don't have to like rush through hmwk. heh. good good. -giggles-

oh guess what! i passed my chem test! 16/30! yeay! thought i was gonna fail. it was the test during that seriously stressful week. yeay! and not many people in my class passed either. but alot of the slackers are getting more hardworking? like fazal and puisin passed this chem test! i'm very proud of puisin. really glad to see her putting in effort into her work. she gave me a postcard? said i look pretty uhmm down or something? haha. guess it's just me? tired from all the muggin and stress too. suddenly you can feel the pressure rising like ya know suddenly everyone's starting to buck up. and there's this voice inside of you saying you've got to work harder than them kinda thing. yar. stressful. heh. but it's good stress. -smiles- my class improve from the near bottom to top ten for the previous maths test. see! we're improving! yeayyyy! lols! -grin-

after school went to meet edna at macs. that gurl power? study solo since afternoon. *clap clap* you go gurl. hope tml goes well aye. she helped me with my chem again. heh thankiew! -huggies- did maths again. gonna do soooo soooo much of maths tonight till i really cannot take it. yeaps. only my practicing tonight then i consult my teacher tml if i have qns. the maths mock is like on wednesday. freaky. not expecting good results though? just don't wanna fail too badly. heh. actually i should be aiming for a pass but yar. sighs. i don't know. bought her markers and she bought me the choco babies. heh happily eating away. yummy yum yum! when we were going home the rain suddenly decided to get heavier on us! darn! drenched. lol. but was fun! so long never get drenched BUT just hafta cross my fingers and hope i don't get sick now. lol. it was like super duper cold in the bus and plus the traffic jam.. the journey was like goddamn long. tonight got smallville. heh. wonder if i'll watch or get carried away with doing maths. mmmm. lots of chocolates at home! yummyy! lols. bad bad now. lol. k k. i'm starting to crap already. off i goooooooo. =P

dreamer ♥ 8:49 PM

Sunday, September 14, 2003

today was pretty alright. woke up late around 11 but only left my bed at 12. heh. felt a little draggy. then clive smsed and asked if i wanted to study at bl macs. was giving it thought. if i didnt go down i'd prolly wont study at all and will have another day wasted and so didnt want that? so i decided to go study for a little while. wow. suddenly i was in a total rush. i had to find the clothes to wear for tonight's performance to give for ironing and prepare the roses for my sister. rushed down to macs. didn't want to be too late either? at least it'll be worthwhile that way. so yar. reached earlier and started doing my maths. when clive came, since the kids beside us were pretty noisy suggested we move so went over to the other side. and guess what! saw jasmin maga and hajar! lols. funny man. heh. yar. so redid my assgn5a. so tough man. hate it. ugh. took up so much of my time too. sighs. but oh well. at least i didn't give up or anything.

when clive went to buy drinks for us with burger for himself, jas came over and we chatted for a while. heh. was funny. yar. guess i got a little restless? was complaining that i was feeling tired. didn't know it'll be cold at macs. heh. brrr. clive so funny lohs. he has that really sian face? it's so obvious that when he's studyin his lit he's so sian. but so poor thing, yest was sick with headache and fever and today seemed really tired. yar, the whole thing was very funny lar. lol. then he gave me this postcard..and it's PINK!! very nice..deeppink LOL.. =x so sad ya'll haven't gotten my postcard? edna angel and clive himself haaa. apparently they're with his friend. wait till school open aye. just like i've got to wait till sch reopns to get that mouse. hah. oh and edna joined us latrs i think around 5 or so? maybe earlier? heh. then i had to go at 530? rushed all the way home. ran from the busstop to my house. lol.

Elan, The Next Wave was good of course. some of the dance was a lil depressing or something. some were really deep. like the one regarding the heart? was very beautiful. heh. saw my sister dance? she's actually not bad? yar. heh. the last item was the best. it's actually a combined thingy with the Nus Indian Dance and it was damn cool. really really. not just because it was indian dance, and like im a fan of it or anything..nono.. the whole combination was really well done.. yar.. saw juraimy! heh. my sec sch relief teacher. think i said that before, yes? heh. saw mr chan too! my sec4 form teacher. lol. he danced last year! heh. saw this really really cute lookin guy. man he sure was hot. hahaaha. =x bought the programme booklet. heh. after the performance met my sister to give her the roses. saw charis gim geok xiaofei and all. then came home after that. nothing much. really tired now. think i'll turn in already. planning to wake up early. hopefully ten. sighs. havent organised what to study. like i said, it's like im goin nowhere. -shake head-

dreamer ♥ 12:18 AM