...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, January 01, 2005

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
threaded my eyebrows! luckily it wasn't as painful as i thought it'd be. at least i didn't cry! fall in love with somene and letting him know that. wearing a tube .. and putting complete make up! haha. cutting my hair really short. sing and record my voice in the comp. hahaa.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? truth is i don't really make resolutions. because i basically do not follow them. haha. whatever happens this year, just depends on the As results..my future.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no..

4. Did anyone close to you die? no..

5. What countries did you visit?
uhmm JB? haha for shopping only.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
self confidence in myself. not worrying what people will think if i do this or that, what matters most is how i feel. stop coming up with excuses when asked to go out..just go instead of trying to isolate myself. try to appreciate the good in me instead of amplifying the bad.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory?
the first three months when he was so sweet to me. *beams. the first time and others when we spoke on the phone and also with his cousin. two bus trips which meant something to me. dance practices. the huge fight. winning second place in talentime. the horrible time of mugging for As. my surprise birthday celebration at holland bcos it was really a surprise! gradnite though it wasn't great but it was when i looked my best - ever. spending time at hema's house and also with my darlin angels. a teacher,who's pretty much a great dancer, telling others to check me out lol. when my godbrother tried to get in touch with me. i was touched at the thought that he remembers me. =)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
definitely to stop cutting and keeping my blades out of sight.

9. What was your biggest failure? falling in love and not being loved back.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
asthma. flu. fever. cough. i was very sick throughout this year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
a pink top and my flip phone.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
everyone has changed for the good in their own little way.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
me. him. shal&fana.

14. Where did most of your money go?
food. buying stuff for school purposes. paying for medication.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
some things involving him. the end of As.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2004?
gosh so many. Avril's My Happy Ending.. Maroon5's She will be loved. Ashlee Simpson's album. Alicia Keys album.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? i guess fatter.
iii. richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
been there more for some of my friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
crying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
dont you mean how i spent it? watching tv really. =) went to karens for dinner.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
yes.

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
none

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Charmed. Alias. The OC.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hmmm nope. i don't hate anybody. i just know who not to trust anymore.

26. What was the best book you read?
everything of Lurlene McDaniel. All her book are wonderful. So many of them made me tear. and taught me lots of things.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
nothing

28. What did you want and get?
stop cutting. a pink something, a pink bag. a wired star.
29. What did you want and not get?
precious moments music box. him..maybe? my eczema clearing up. scars to fade.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
none actually.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i was studying in school at first. and my friends gave me a surprise celebration at one of the stores in holland. hahahaha. it was truly a surprise. and i got a lot of pretty things. a pink sequined star. a huge star. a star pillow. a star designed my karen and joyce, a friendship band. a postcard from joyce and letter from karen. it was so beautiful. =)

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
wow.. things definitely would have been better if he returned my feelings.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
much more stylo compared to 2003. hey im learning to use makeup! hahahaa. =))

34. What kept you sane?
my music. my diary. my friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
ashlee simpson. jay sean.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
political? hmmmmmm. i dont know. but other than political.. its definitely the tsunami incident.

37. What do you miss?
once again letters in the mailbox. talking to him. laughing so hard i cry.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Prince Moses and King David. LOL. though i haven't exactly met david yet.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
that my health is very important because im prone to being sick all the time - just like i am now. that its ok to love someone and not have them see you in the same light. its beautiful to have the chance to just love that someone so much. =) if you love someone let them go, if they come back to you then its meant to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
all the things left undiscovered,leave me empty and left to wonder.
And my escape, was hiding out, and running for the door.
why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day when dreaming ends.
What goes around comes around

dreamer ♥ 1:58 AM

Monday, December 27, 2004

i can't help it. i am just too bored when i'm online sometimes that's why i resorted to changing my layout. again. but something tells me i'll be sticking to it for a longer time. yeah. so christmas was cool. i thought i was going to have the worst christmas ever. but the company of candles was kind of soothing. its so beautiful you know. i want to get more candles next time. place them everywhere in the house. of course not literally! heehee. its just such a pretty sight!! *grins* oh yes. on christmas eve night i went to meet my two friends in clementi. i was suppose to go to one of their houses that day but i really did not feel like it. just wanted to be by myself and be depressed feel lonely and rot. honestly, i did. its just me. i feel that way a lot. hmmm. and yeah the two of them seemed so pretty like they were glowing you know. karen gave me this very very pretty star box. and in it were my grad nite accessories! hurray! lol. they are soooo gorgeous! i'm in love with them! heh heh. and the other time we were shopping i was trying to look for a wired star. something like the one in my MSN picture. and guess what! yes! karen got it for me! gosh it was so pretty! and there are 'red stones' too. it looks all glittery. very very pretty! *smiles* i was watching movies the whole morning till my dad came back. christmas morning was so beautiful. the wind was so cold and nice upon my skin. ahhhhh i still remember the feeling as if it were yesterday! *breathes in the fresh air*
i guess i dozed off in the morning. its been like that the past few days. can't exactly sleep through the night. haha. i'm probably doomed once work starts! which is actually tomorrow! yes my first day of work starts tomorrow! ah! i really have no idea what to feel. maybe i am excited to finally start work but i'm also afraid what it will be like. afraid i might not like it. afraid that i might make mistakes. gee. i should be confident right! keep my head high hahaa. just hope that my sister will not be mean. ahhhh. i just want to fit in! yeah that should be just it. -nods- i guess i am lucky in some way that my sister will be by my side on my first day of work. i really do not want to be under the scrutiny of the other colleages. but that's just impossible isn't it! i mean there's only so many people in the small office. sigh sigh! i know i did not say this but my marketing manager was saying that she's afraid she might compare me with my sister. blahblahblah. but my sister told her that my mom doesn't compare the both of us and i said yes to that too. lol. duhhhhh. PLEASE DONT JUDGE ME like that. oh please please please. *shudders* i guess im just having one of those first-day-of-work-jitters. LOL.
when i started typing this entry i thought i had nothing to say. look at me blabbering away now. haha. i am supposed to go threading later. i really hope somebody will be free to accompany me to pierce my nose. its really kind of weird to go alone. and i think the skirt is with lay or something. maybe i'll meet her too. ah, i can't believe i'm going to serangoon. lol!! never mind! can't stand those people staring as you like their eyes are going to pop out any moment.. as if they have never seen an indian girl before. hmmph! not fair. oh well, since when has anything ever been fair!
which brings me to the earthquake which hit southeast asia yesterday. i was asleep and when i woke up i was in front of the tv watching bbc world! i was so shocked! and worried too. i had friends who have gone for holidays. just praying that my classmate is alright. my sister's friends were in phuket that morning but they are safe. its just so sad. i read the papers today morning too. how can so many lives be lost in just one day. its unbelievable how large the scale of the quake is. it must be so scary with the waves so high. i feel so sad for the mothers who have lost their children. i saw the victims in sun tv. they showed a lot. sighhhhh. for now, i must say, i really am thankful to be staying in Sigapore where everything is safe. even though things happen and i may hate life so, i will never be ready if such disasters took place here. i just can't think it. i do not think i will be able to survive if i ever lose a loved one. *catches her tongue*
anyway. i'm selfishly caught in my own problems especially my eczema. grrr. its painful yet again. but thankful that it is not as painful as it was last time. i can just remember my head burning when i had to wash it after applying the cream and peeling of the skin. sigh! i wish i took care of myself more. every other time, when my mother tells me to apply the 'paste' the ayurvedic doctor gave i will just shrug it off. in fact i only used it one. i wish i were more independent. -shakehead- she'll be lik you can be pretty like your sister if you just would take care of these things. and also like applying lotion on my face body etc. and then i'll be like..i'm already not pretty or ugly so there's no point. yes i really do feel that way a lot. back in those days eczema made me really depressed. its at my eyebrow too you see. affects my face. that's why i never like what i see in the mirror. apart from accepting who i am,my character my personality, i can never accept the way i look. its just uglyuglyugly. but then again, i know better. at least i'm alive with two eyes two ears two hands two legs .. a heart.. no cancer .. yeah. i'm alive and pretty much normal so i stop at there. but you can't help feel this way sometimes. it just gets to your head. and you know, its another reason i don't wear any makeup. ok let's not get there.
is there anything else i can talk about? lol. i guess not. i'll try to update more often these days. i guess i've neglected my blog quite a bit. i do miss updating too. heh. i might go to the library later too. no more books to read. but i wonder if i will have the time and energy to read once work starts. i'm bound to be feeling tired the first week. alrights. that's from me for now. =)

dreamer ♥ 9:11 AM