...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, September 25, 2004

i need to vent.

my dad's drunk. he actually stopped once. then he started, cos my mom allowed him to drink - but only a little. i guess that's where it began - all over again. of course he didn't stop there. he drank and drank and drank and has as usual created problems. so today's his off day. i even had to follow him down to get some bottles and cans just so he wouldn't sit at the coffee shop with his friends and not come home. according to my mom, she rather he drinks at home than downstairs. mind you, he creates a huge scene. but i'd rather he not drink at all. it all got out of hand after my mom came back home. i'm not saying its her fault cos i don't know whose is it anyway. but whatever. so i locked myself in the room. so that i wouldn't be able to hear anything that's happening outside there. i mean com`on im trying to study. she came in shouting at me cos she apparently had been calling for me for a while. i stared at her really irritated. my father wanted to go down and drink some more after like what one bottle and four to five cans of beer. sigh. before i could say anything, my mom was screaming and shouting. she was like my birthday was yesterday and you're happy you're doing this to me right. i might as well go and die then you'll be happy right. omg. and she said all of this with me there. i couldn't take it. i couldn't. i shouted back. i know i shouldn't have but i couldn't help it. i was like you fucking bastard lar (to my father you know....sigh) and i said a few more things like i couldn't stand the both of them anymore and i went back into the room.i was crying and shouting at them. what the hell. i have enough pressure here trying my very best to study. just earlier my dad was telling me that he believes in me. and he hopes i become like my sister. he knows i want to go to nus very badly. and he was like saying how much hope he has in me. then why the fuck is he doing all of this shit. i just came back into the room and cried for a while. i just can't take it. my own mother saying she wants to die. ha. i'll be the one to die first if anybody is to in this family. with so much of anger in me so much of sadness and confusion and stress.. after sooooo many months.. today was the first time i thought about bleeding.. after so long.. just letting it all out feeling the stinging pain.. wouldn't it all be sucha beautiful release.. it'll be.. wonderful.. lucky for me it only lasted for about less than 5 mins.. but yeah, i know i won't do it again.. things just seem to be going back to the old days.. my eczema is getting worse. everywhere.. it just keeps spreading.. im feeling like shit again.. everything starts to kick in now.. can't take this anymore.. *sigh*

life is horrible sometimes.. sometimes you just feel like ending it all.. you lose your faith sometimes.. and sometimes.. it'll be alright in the end..

I'm sorry God.. Please forgive me..

dreamer ♥ 6:09 PM

Friday, September 24, 2004

i missed updating you my dear blog! lol. like yeah, seriously. gee. don't remember when i stopped though. eek. i'm having this bad headache right now. really need ta hit the sack soon.
so chemistry paper3 was on monday. it wasn't an easy paper i'd say. but i can't be too sure how i'll fair in it, since i didn't study for my environmental chem. tuesday was horrible. maths and bio. gosh. i think my maths will be a sure goner. and i'm at the edge with my bio. i mean gee, i really don't know where i stand. i don't think i'll get anything good at all i'm sure bout that. i don't have that confidence ya know. at least an assurance of how well i think i'll do. nothing. because i know this was short of my effort. entirely. oh well. after tuesday it was like a burden lifted off my shoulders. i felt happy and hyped again. haha. i was chatting with my friend online. and i', glad she saw from my point of view. because i was pondering upon why people didn't study in the one week break when they could. i mean the both of us were sck and stuff. i really wonder what their reason is. it's scary weird.. but sometimes i just don't understand. things sure would have been different hadn't i been sick that week. definitely would have been able to cover more. regrets regrets. who'd thought a burnout would last that long huh. almost half a month or so? well better to have recovered then never. i just need to take EXTRA care of what goes into my mouth. seriously. the other day, just eating too much peanuts caused me to start coughin and having difficulty in breathing the next morning and its reallllyyy uneasy man. yeah.

the greatest thing is that on wednesday i watched this show. its something that has got to do with spirits and it was right after the amazing race. i wonder if anybody else watched it. my friend was watching it too, but since she had some quarrel with her mom it was kind of distrupting for her and she didnt watch it in the end cos she didn't dare. but gosh i watched it. and for somebody who isn't usually frightened by ghost movies or so that are screened in theatres, this definitely scared the shit outta me. so the bottomline is i guess real life shit like that gets inside my head. oh man. one part when the guy was being dragged by some unseen stuff..really freaked me out. i mean little things were happening before that. just kept building fear in you. occasionally i would be standing at the other end of the kitchen watching the tv or having the blanket in my mouth to prevent myself from screaming. hilarious aye. hee.but that part when he got pulled, i called my friend. i was like crying and laughing at the same time. i couldn't believe it. i mean yes i did believe it..its just so *omg-ish* lol. i was seriously scared outta my wits. thankfully i was with her on the phone. now i just cannot wait fer next week's episode. lol. so to anybody who's reading this, you might wanna try watching it. it is scary and this is coming from somebody who usually isn't that easily frightened. heehee. =)))))

i also can't wait to go to one of my girlfriend's house next tuesday. we're gonna rent VCDs just chill out. gosh its gonna be so fun. wonder what movies we'll be getting. definitely a variety. heh. good way to relax and destress aye. maybe we can even play spin the bottle. WUHAHAAHA. okok im just kiddin sheesh. heh =)))). what else.. i just cleaned everything up today. all my stuff back in their files neatly arranged. gosh, maths seems to be the most aye. lol.

i'm like so hungry! hungry to study. i just wanna start and go through it totally. i want to be old me be hardworking. much more hardworking. wuhahaha. but this time, definitely with a limit. i'm not gonna study for like straight hours one whole week with little sleep. definitely not. going to take good care of myself. well, today's friday. i will be going to NUS to watch the dance ensemble. god, i love it. seriously. heh. wonder what i can wear. hmmmm. so im gonna get up really early morning.. say around 6 and start mugging till late afternoon. prolly finish the whole organic and half of physical. yeaps. heh.
he's been messaging me lately. it's kinda weird, but if he's normal, so can i. so yeah. said he'll write in my autograph book too. muahaha. im supposed to lend him some dance cds. but i don't even know where the heck the are. darn it. hmmmph. wonder if my sister will find it fer me? muahaha. okieeeee im off! tatas~

dreamer ♥ 1:11 AM