...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, January 17, 2004

hmmmmmmm.
you made me do it.
you really did.
you make me hate myself.
so i've given myself my punishment.
i hope you're happy.
i know you're reading.
this isn't the first time.

dreamer ♥ 9:42 PM

thanks fer da notes. haha. its nice ta come back and read yer notes. hee. and sorry tiara. just used to writing long entries. hahaa.
well i didn't study ytd night. kept waking up in between the night. the maths test sucked. sure to flunk it. i gave up at around 840. started to draw. -shakehead- nvm. just hope i'll do alrights fer my bio test. it'll compensate for everything. anyway im glad the cny holidays are coming. i'm so gonna mug my chem from the start of organic chem. im gonna catch up with my work especially maths. you wont believe it but i have yet to do numerical analysis. that's cos i wanna do and learn. don't wish to copy. stayed in the library with xinxin just chatting away.
band started ok i guess. was just SO sian. the bandroom was so empty. -.-" thought km playing first for j-pop. so i put the first for legend of yao beside me. next minute, -poof- it's gone. inside her file. ha. sorry, but you know i'm not that brave enough ta ask her fer it. so, sectionals. my mood already out. i know km was trynna be nice lar huh. she took everything for me. even asked if im ok. i was just being a bitch showing my attitude. haha. but hey! not like she never did THAT to me before! so if i do it just ONCE, i'm wrong? or so it goes. so i was just stoning. until diyanah came! i was SO happy! yippie! lol. haven't seen her for soo long. she just brightened me up and made me laughing again. thanks lots honey, muacks! hee! ate lunch with rae and diyanah. heh. like old times. still remember the time we ate with jem angel fifi? haha. after coming back, the room was filled with the yr ones.
met wei yin first. my new junior from first stand back in jt. she's pretty good yar. confident. can be better than me also, her sight reading? haha. nvm i'll work harder. another one is li ting, diyanah's junior! reminds me of angel, her loud and crappiness. wuhaha. cool! had to travel to and fro alot. during this yijia was telling me and diyanah to talk to km cos she felt left out? but mmm, i didn't talk to her to even begin with? so yar. talk to her, i did. she obviously didn't want to talk lohs. so i give up lar. whatever. it was fun teaching them. lol. another three, very funny people but they don't wanna stay due to some reasons. so my section now consists of five people. not bad lar. hee. eeks. shai wants me ta play first fer jpop. means ive gotta play da solo! haha. oh sheesh. i had good sound today. yippie. muaahhaaha. =x km was gone? was told she went home. after band prac when i learned she was outside i was like.. WHAT THE! then the stuuupid teacher i/c was shoutin sayin what, the gate's gonna close at 4 and askin us to hurry? WTF lohs. totally. so pissed? almost glared at him. i only left sch at 5+ and the fucking gate was open ok? talk cock man. walau.
then i was whining to rae lar. cannot take it already haha. shai came up with something? very funny. LOL. -smiles- after that we had a committee meeting which was like the best part of the day. so cranky. muahahaa. laughed like siao. lol. all the lame ideas by rae! like the pony body scratching?! OMG! ahahaahaa!! cannot make it lohs. haha. funny funny. really needed that. so i ended my day off well. oh and siyi told me she lm km and i are gonna sit and talk one day. haha no problem? i wanted to do tt long ago. lm and siyi also know? haha. poor siyi. -shakehead-
oh well. so what do ya wanna call me. anything will be fine with me really. prolly gonna say i need to be nice to her blahblahblah. sure i'll be nice to her. i have always tried to be nice to her lohs. just this once i couldn't take it can. i had enough. honestly? so yar my colours show. what you wanna do. call me a bitch lar. haha. she everytime show face can lar, i just this one cannot lor.. hor? haaha. nvm nvm. it's ok. only i know what i've been through what, rights? anyway i rotated everybody's parts already. x) but i not so evil lar. km's still playing first =) she practised during sectionals i heard her. good actually..

puhlease larr. turn my mood bad only. everytime.
oh anyway eczema around my eyebrow isn't doing too well. was suppose to see the doc today. sigh. lm, you left early, didn't call me. -.-" silly gurl! *bish* thanks to diyanah was able to manage things today. if not, haywire. thanks babe~

nice pic! haha. if you're grossed out then dont see lar. goon. shoo shoo! haahaha.

"it wasn't a suicide attempt,
it was an escape from everything awful.
when we cut, we're in control -
we make our own pain, and we can stop it whenever we want.
physical pain relieves mental anguish.
for a brief moment, the pain of the cutting
is the only thing in the cutter's mind,
and when that stops and the other comes back,
it's weaker.
drugs do that that too, and sex,
but not like cutting.
nothing is like cutting."
-anonymous

dreamer ♥ 8:05 PM

Friday, January 16, 2004

monday:: monday blues! i wrote a whole goddamn long entry but am just too lazee ta type it all out. just some ramblings. i was so pissed with my sister fer shouting at me bcos on monday i was very stressed. had lotza work ta do and all. the chem test didn't go too well. sighs, felt like i had wasted my time studying! oh well. it's over anyway. my teacher said our class didn't do very well either. -shakehead- oh and maths tut is just so boring. -.-"

tuesday:: my horoscope for tuesday was so darn true. "Today may be charged with unexpected emotional tension for you that might be very difficult to handle. Your first reaction to a stressful situation may be to keep the lid on a raging pot for fear of getting burnt. Your goal may be to maintain a peaceful air and polite attitude by avoiding confrontation and hurt feelings. Realize, however, that you are doing more damage to yourself by holding it in than letting it out."
eeks. lol. oh well. i can't rmb much of what happened on tuesday though. did lotza copying. the chem rev one. sheesh. so much. so tiring. sighhhhh. oh yeah, had band prac on tuesday too. -.-" it was for the performance the next day. before that was having maths lesson with simon. was so darn tired that i dozed off and he called my name. bleaghs. well didn't open my mouth and talk to anyone when i went for band. just kept to myself. x) think i went home with lm? yeah, felt better talking to her. haha. planned ta leave early but left when everything ended. oh well. am glad shai's taking us. he's just great. suchan all rounder don'tcha think! hee. -smiles-

wednesday:: i didn't go to school. planned to stay at home and study. but instead i fell asleep halfway while reading through some of chapters. dumb rights? after that i met lay and we went to school tgt. it was the cca openhouse. gee, so crowded! haha. toured a lil with jasmin and anisah. heh. was standin outside the band room with some of the rest shouting join the band~! haha. im not really good in 'pulling' people. laimeng's really good yar? lols! the performance was so-so. welcome was nice. but oh dear i really don't know what happened to me? during the last part of abba gold i just couldn't play? it's not that i couldn't pitch or anything. nothing of that sort. something was wrong with my throat. or maybe my windpipe? it felt blocked. i was practically forcing air out of me. it was SO hard. i thought imight just black out there and then. i really don't know what went wrong. so scary. but it's my fault too. this week i haven't eaten lunch nor dinner. and i haven't been drinking enough water. ive been neglecting myself i guess. everything concentrated on the tests. =x bad i know. oh well. we got a bad news from mr leng too. sighs. don't wanna talk about it. i just knew it. i knew what he was going to say. darn. i couldn't help it. tears were welling up in my eyes. his last sentence..don't know when he'll see us next. sigh, like how sad is that. i controlled of course. but was sad. super sad. everyone was. some burst into tears. couldn't see that sight. left the band room and teared a lil outside. shai suggested sayin something to the band. then i hadta sorta accompany siyi, but standin there lookin at them? omg.. i couldnt. if i did, would have broke down. just too fragile past few days. -sigh- studied a while with bingzhen after that then i went home. did ya'll catch charmed? it was darn sad too! i teared man. eeks.

thursday:: in the morning lay and i were like pretty shocked. even before the music plays, which is two mins before 740am, everybody was already at the parade sqaure! like -oh my gawd- ! as in totally! sheesh! what's everybody becoming into! heard it has got something to do with the J1s being punctual, we j2s gotta ya know? -shakehead- the morning wasn't much of a good start for me. of course it wasn't. i only slept at 330am after mugging for my bio test today with two cups of coffee. and in the night i had a slight fever. eeks! scary. thank god i didn't fall ill or anything. was extremely tired. for the whole time i just kept to myself. skipped maths lecture to mug for bio too. it was tamil that lightened me up and got me cracking up again. haha. laughter sure is a stress reliever. so i was back to my ol' self. which felt good of cos heehee. was crapping with hems and all looking at the j1 guys. lol. after lunch, my classmates and i were muggin at the grand stand. wendelin elis and i were singing some songs. yvonne joined in later. later on, elis came up with this BRILLIANT idea! haha. we used the tune for twinkle twinkle little star to memorise kreb's cycle! and it's DAMN cool! omg! so funny really awesome stuff man. wuahahaha! learning has never ever been SO much of fun! haha. oh and learnin by listening to elis tellin to me is faster than trynna read the book and absorb the facts. hee. the test was alrights i guess. did guess here and there. just pray that i'll pass. i surely put in some effort in this test. -smiles-

today!!:: today was a great day really. hee. guess all of us were a little crazy. but pe sucked big time. when i was running, i suddenly couldn't breathe. yes, got an attack. omg. so scary. i didn't even have my tablets with me. think i kinda freaked yani out. hahas. was bad. real bad. got better after drinking water. yeaps. didn't take pe for the rest of the period. guess i'll be going to the polyclinic tmr. might be getting an mc for excuse from pe on monday or something. oh and i realised that yani's crush reminds me of my eyecandy. lol. ex eyecandy rather. lol. oh and i had a lil chat with charmaine and sandy ytd. haha. silly girls. haha. crapped with weide for a short while. funny lar he. wen n yani were bonkers during maths lect and passed it on to me. haha. mrs chan was like whats the heated discussion goin on over there. lol! bio tut was funny! mswun was like interrogating fazal. muaahha. hilarious. stayed back to study my maths. did the rev too. met sari halfway to go bp get some choco and batt. we were singing again today. haha. im gonna learn that malay song! its so nice. hehe. -smiles- but after muggin fer maths that is! yeaps. oh and i think this yr1 guy isn't too bad. looking forward to orientation on next wed. im most prolly going of cos! haha. oh and i might be taking part in talentime too. might lar huh. with my classmates and their uwa gang. coolios!

dreamer ♥ 7:45 PM

Sunday, January 11, 2004

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
no i'm not stressed. maybe drained. but kind of disappointed in myself. i just wish i was a little smarter or so. sigh sigh sigh! finished my hydrocarbons and looked through the tys. and omg. really think i cannot make it fer the test. as in really. the things are just not at my fingertips. just not very familiar with it. gee. feel so down. like i've said, i really do not want to fail this test. but it doesn't seem like i've got a choice. yeaps, not optimistic anymore. i don't feel like going any furthur. but at the same time, my heart doesn't want me to stop. ugh. and in the morning when i started studying, dad was drunk and mom was like ya know nagging but her voice is naturally loud so all together its irritating. would have gone to wdlnds lib but don't feel like spending my day all by myself. it'll get me even more depressed. blahs. i so don't want to go back to my books now. but. -shakehead- wonder how i'll fair. have yet to touch energetics. just so sigh-y today. sigh.
anyway luckily i didn't update ytd or so. i was so pissed with some people. lm fed me with some information and i was like -wtf-. totally lohs. was so so so pissed and irritated i was dissing everything. *bash you up* almost wanted to add this if i did update at the moment "i know you're reading this you -censored-, and i just want to tell you to piss off!" wuhaa. actually its worse. but yeah nvm. i've had enough of trying to control or rather supressing my emotions. kinda explains the new layout. dark. like what i am now.
realised i haven't eaten anything =x. keep feelin dizzy everytime i get up from the chair to do anything. like my head's spinning. eeks. blahhhhhh!!!! save me~~~~ x(
oh and i realised hanwei's changed. really working. sigh. why can't i be like him. why i ca't be more hardworking. always so lazee and dumb. ugh.
got an email from viv ytd night. he's so sweet. thankful to have a friend like him.
one last thing. rmb the 'NUMB' thingy on the arm i talked bout. haha. nah i didn't do anything. instead i was stripping papers with the blade. no worries. i won't do anything. -nods-

dreamer ♥ 6:04 PM