...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, September 13, 2003

hey hey hey! had a much brighter day today. well was late for school as usual. only reached around 830 when lesson started at 800. heh. ooops. earlier jm messaged me said he'll meet me laters to pass me the mouse. thought it was sweet, cos he didn't want to initially. since he didn't have school. but unfortunately, since it rained heavily, he didn't really wanna come down. oh well i understood so yeah told him monday would be fine. i'm in no rush anyway. pretty used to using the keyboard. i don't do much online anyway. tamil lesson was fun as always. heh. photocopied some maths stuff and took 198 with jasmin. she talking to me about shal and a lil bit on maga. just hope maga will try and be a real gentleman now. ooops. edna know you're reading this but yar. i mean he's a nice guy and all. but yar. it's alright. shan't say anything. if you wanna know just ask. so made my way to woodlands.

reached around early 11+am. had my brunch. went to queue up waiting for the lib to open. man, i almost burst out laughing when the really kiasu ones like bent down to go in..while the "gate" was still in the midst of opening. typical singaporeans don't ya think. well i got myself a table right at the corner facing the wall. totally no distractions. did my GP compre. have yet to complete the summary though. read this book on Ethics of Human Cloning too. pretty interesting really. heh. did tut & assgn of 12a and 12b. really a lot.did a lot of brain cracking. by then i guess it was already evening. i read up on apgp before i went down to meet nora and mariam. nora's much more prettier now. my darlin, miss her so much really. -smiles- guess we'll be catchin up with each other during tomorrow's NUS dance performance. bought myself a hot milo wch burnt my tongue. it's still burnt. yuck. met polly. studied tgt. redid my tut5a on apgp. after that had dinner at BK. went to buy roses for my sista. she doesn't know i've actually got 'em. heh. gonna wrap em up tml and all. heh. guess i'll write a lil short note too. hope she'll like it. don't think im giving her for the sake of giving. hee.

well after that was feeling pretty beat. met suriani cos she needed to get nora's bag from me. well it was really late already. got down at dover mrt station. guess what! i actually saw joyce tan at the bus stop!!! she's my sec sch classmate!! sat beside her during humanities!! man, i was so so sooo HAPPY to see her ya know! all my tiredness just flew off to god knows where. i was really really happy. so totally unexpected. she had just ended sch at SP at ten. pretty late aye. good thing she stays nearby at ghim moh. she's doin interior design.. i think that's really cool.. crazy lil gurl.. kept laughin.. heh.. aww i miss her sooo sooo much.. realised how much i miss all my sec sch friends.. can't wait for our 2/2 chalet that's every year.. heh.. it'll be wonderful to see all the peeps once again! so yeah sue came with me. walked her to the bus stop and was home again.

was chatting with clivey just now. pretty long chat? guess it was long cos i did practically most of the talking as always? ahahahaha. duuuhhh. well it was funny.. cos first started talking about philosopical stuffs and all.. hahaha! man, the questions that kept flowing in. he's gonna die next time we talk philosopically. but it's cool! lol. too bad he was too tired to absorb so ended that. then was dictating by busy busy day to him. then all the crap as usual. hahahaa. don't know, laughed a lot, pretty fun. heh. yar. well. once again, i strongly suggest you go see a doc?.. yar... drink lots lots of water.. hope you get well soon dude!

gonna go to the Next Wave tomorrow. can't wait. decided on what i'm gonna wear i guess. shall try it on tml. andy actually messaged me to ask how's my revision for promos coming along and stuff. think that was pretty sweet of him. thanks a lot fer the concern? i mean nobody's asked and he ask? it's like.. mm.. wow? haha.. yar.. oh well.. -smiles- man, had a really long day today. gonna turn in now. really need ta sleep. heh. alrights. nights.

dreamer ♥ 1:17 AM

Thursday, September 11, 2003

finally cut my hair. it's just a little shorter than the usual length. and it's finally layered V! heh. this time my hair grows it'll be nicer. can't wait. heh.
sighs. wasted my day again today. don't know what i am doing. can't believe i'm slacking so much. sobs. i know that i shouldn't be slacking? but i can't bring myself to do my work. i have tamil lesson from 8 to 10 am tomorrow. after that i'm gonna make my way down to wdlnds and have my brunch. gonna study till late. really late. and now, tonight am gonna do my maths. my maths mock is this coming wed. i'm just so dead. sighs. *slaps herself* guess i'll put bio aside now and concentrate on completing my hmwk. then i shall do my gp compre paper tml at the library. and finally start working on chem. was studying bio just now and fell asleep halfway. the weather was so nice for sleeping. heh. so i should study now and make up for time lost. this entry is super short now isn't it. alrights. shall start on my maths now. take care ya'll. -smiles-

added
to be honest i'm really scared for the promos. yes i have been putting in more effort than before. but it's just not enough. but i do know i'll work harder in the weeks to come. perhaps i work better under pressure. but.. ugh. i'm so screwed now. i was doing my maths earlier and i just couldn't move on as i got stuck everywhere. some questions, i couldn't even begin. it's so hard to keep up with the smiles and laughter when all i really wanna do is collapse because i'm so scared, and tired. but then again, what's the use of being scared right. this is really annoying. i feel like i'm getting nowhere.

dreamer ♥ 11:31 PM

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

just talked to her in irc. well actually very short while? mmmm. very fast. uhmmm. ok soo.. she was angry that day cos firstly she's already very frustrated that she can't play. moreover she wasn't given a chance to play and try out the piece by herself. she thought mao ask em to help her with it. but i told her it was chee hui who asked me. mmm i think i did stress that point to her. then i brought up about the matter her thinking that i pushed first to her. she said she initially didn't wanna play first when the seniors stepped down and she complained about it to xiu mei and company. but she also said that she's used to playing them now. since she didn't say anything about ya know like uhmmm anything about feeling stressed or anything i kind of guess she's comfortable with her first now. don't know if she's interested in changing once in a while? hah. don't dare to ask her that now? well. yar. next point is uhmmm. oh she said she would appreciate it if i didn't take her file and play but just take the pieces.. provided i put them back. bleaghs. sounded rather.. uhmm fierce.. =x but sighs. if that's what she wants i can't say anything? okaes. thennn.. one day she was angry cos i and diyanah didn't come.. and didn't inform her.. but i told siyi or mao.. like i always do? so if they know, don't hafta trouble km? but km saw it as like.. didn't inform her and she wasn't prepared to play alone tt day. but yeahs. so the deal now is to inform each other when we're not coming for band. yar. mmmm. what else aye. oh she actually asked me if i told clive about what happened that day. i said yes and i apologised for the outcome that as it was totally unexpected. i also stressed to leave clive out of this? cos he was just trynna help. poor guy. and i also made it clear to her that.. i only clive not because i wanted to complain but because he's my v.good friend and i need to confide in somebody just like she need to. yar. and i also said other stuffs lar. like she shouldn't be frustrated with herself and try and be easy. told her i'm no alien and she can ask me for help and i would be more than glad to help. and also that in fact, we should help each other. and stressed that i have no intention of not respecting her and stuff. cos i don't have anything against her. i hope she took everything correctly this time. i also told her sometimes i don't tell her anything cos i'm afraid she might misinterpret like what she did about my intention to help. mmmm. she saidpoint taken. yar i don't remember the rest if there are. wished her all the best in her prelims and asked her to study hard. -smiles- guess everything's pretty solved now? load taken off? can concentrate? *hugs all of you*

dreamer ♥ 8:40 PM

hey.. feel pretty dready now. went for maths lecture in the morning. sigh. don't understand. but i guess i just have to practice later so that i will learn. shall try. couldn't really concentrate during the second half of the lesson after the break. i was having this sick turn in my stomach. nervous i suppose, to what's about to happen later when i go for band. but thank god, everyone had gone for lunch. lost my appetite to eat of course. who would, being misunderstood. told rae that today i shall shut up and only talk when spoken to. i'm thankful diyanah came down. i was really quiet actually today compared to how i usually am during band practice.
when rae was eating i did my bio. yikling and anlin joined us later. both of us were wanting to go home. i really felt like not going for band. isn't that sad? i think it is very sad. sighs. and so i did go. didn't breathe a word to her. neither did she to me. i know i should have said something and maybe settle things today. but i didn't feel like it. voices were screaming inside my head. but a good thing that came out from all of it was that i concentrated on playing much better. nods. was able to accomplish some things. did laugh, but very very little indeed.

i was telling rae and i shall write it here too. i really really cannot believe that kit mun thinks that i'm not respecting her that day. let me tell you what happened that day exactly. i was only playing my part - 2nd, initially that is. you see this piece -folk song suite- was given first, during the previous practice. and i played first. so i roughly know a little here and there. then, it was chee hui who told me to play with kit mun. i wasn't going to be rude. so i did, as a helpful fellow section mate. i played first with kit mun. but not the whole piece. my pure intentions were to help her, so that when she playes with me she can learn the rhythm fast. now do not mistaken me for i am not implying that she's slow what i am saying is that, i've seen the piece before and she hasn't. so it really isn't her fault if she don't know. i was in her shoes for the previous band practice. once again, i was just only trying to help her. halfway i realised, she wasn't playing with me. so i kind of thought she didn't like me playing with her. so i stopped. and went back to my own piece. i really did not mean to show that i was not respecting. whereas in fact, i was really only wanting to help. and it hurts a lot.. because when i'm trying to help her... she actually sees me as putting her down and not respecting her. but that was totally not my intention at all. and it sucks to think and tear everyday now.

maybe i'll talk to her today. it may be easy to pretend that nothing has happened. but it isn't the case for me. i can pretend. i can put up a front. but i'll be crumbling inside. crumbling to bits and pieces.

dreamer ♥ 6:55 PM

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

heys. updating from school comp lab. can't update from home, mouse spoilt. sickening. hafta keep figuring out how to use the keyboard to do everything. actually i was suppose to meet edna at around 3 pm but she pangseh me. heh. nvm lar, she hasta go somewhere. so oh well. lost my interest to go anywhere to study. so after this entry i'll prolly go home and study. i've already planned what i need to complete for today. mmmm. ok. since the last time i uPdated and now a lot of unpleasant things have taken place. they suck big time i tell you. sighs. they are truly depressing. and through all this the most hardest thing that i have to do is try and control my emotions. it's really hard to keep my hands to myself when my blades just sitting on the table calling out to be used. it was so hard for me that night. it really was. everything was so horrible. i do not want to bother about it anymore. i do not want to think about it. but i can't. no matter how i hard i try or how hard i focus my thoughts to other things, i can't. and that sucks even more. sighs. there's nothing i can do. nothing. sighs. i'm truly depressed really. feel like screaming. feel like disappearing from this world. actually was thinking of not talking to anybody and just keeping to myself. but.. oh well.. still talked to my classmates since i have school. but at least it's alright.. i don't think too much that way. one of the days after that uneventful day.. i had so many nightmares.. it was truly bad.. and i was crying in all of them. sighs. how i wish everything would go back to how they were. i actually wrote this entry on paper b/c i couldn't update but it would make no sense to put it up now. everything's just turned around. everything always comes back. sighs. tomorrow is wednesday. there'll be band. maybe i should make myself fall sick and not go. i don't know. i.. don't know.
there's only one thing that's important to me now. studies. i shall try my best to focus. went to the library yesterday. was one of those kiasu ones who waited for the library to open. mmm. actually met polly and her friend at the lib in the night. mmmm. saw mariam with her guy but didn't say hi to her. one, i didn't wanna disturb her second, i just didn't feel like it. when i came home slacked as usual. went online and all. don't know why, but kept humming tintin yesterday lols.. so nice man.. heart-melting.. was pretty nuts yesterday night.. maybe releasing stress aye.. alrights.. shall make my way home now.. buhbyeee..

heys. at home now. guess what. i actually went to woodlands lib! yeahs. was rather fidgety during the first hour.. attempted chem but just couldn't concentrated. start on bio. since polly was in the lib met up with her laters and studied with her. =) done with one chap of bio. heh. left da place very close to nine. was reading bio my way home. heh. have plans to complete some stuff tonight. must perservere. am already feeling tired but no choice. heh. actually my head's pretty stressed up i think. too saturated. trynna cool down but i can't. no way, am not gonna try and take a nap or even the risk of just lying down on my bed cos i know i will eventually fall asleep and wake up the next day feeling really irritated and pissed off with myself. so shall prevent that from happening. heh. good thing there's maths tml. don't hafta go to band so early. if i'm not too drained by band practice i think i might end up going to wdlnds lib again. yeaps. gonna make passport on thursday so most prolly won't go lib, but who knows. always expect the unexpected. i'm this close to feeling depressed and low (teeny weeny space between thumb n index).. i can just feel it..i don't want it to surface.. i can't stand the thoughts.. SIGH.. i feel so sigh-y now.. extremely.. i reaalllyyyy need a release.. help... gulp..

dreamer ♥ 3:38 PM