...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

i stand alone tonight
on this one way street.
the wind blows gently
brushing across my skin
as it whispers empty words
too heavy to bare.
can we do it again.
please.
will you give me the courage
to reopen these wounds
to feel that pain
consume me all over again.
to let the crimson run
and smudge this perfect painting.
it's fading
and i don't want it to.
but the memories have been locked up tight in this broken jukebox of mine

dreamer ♥ 12:47 AM

Sunday, November 16, 2003

I feel so much. I want to express it. I want to bring you through my thoughts. But I can’t. No, I can’t do that. I do not have the right words to say, or rather, I’m not gifted with words. I can’t express myself through words. Even though I yearn to do so, I can’t.
Don’t you ever wish you could write well? Just like the others. At least there’d be something I could be proud at myself for. But no.. I can’t.. Sighs….
Do you ever wonder how much you’re worth?
Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror and wonder if that’s really you?
Is the person you see, really you?
Or are your eyes playing tricks with you.
Do you really accept you for you?
Don’t you ever wish you could be something more? Someone better? Someone you can be proud of? Someone who’s more worthy?

She does. Thoughts are running through her veins bursting out to be shown to the world. But oh she can’t do it. She can’t put them into words. She can’t show them to you. But can you see? Will you take a step up closer and see?

No stop.. don’t come any closer..you won’t like what you see.. stay away..

had fun just now chatting with edna.. we were online fer a really really long time.. fer like hours.. heh.. but she's gone now.. before that was ranting to siyi.. it's good to let things out at times.. lighten yer heart.. =) anyways.. it's bingzhen's birthday today.. -grinnnn- have yet ta complete her present and her birthday letter.. i love writing letters? -smiles- oh well.. mmmm.. after that sank into a lil too much of thinking.. yeay mj's song's playin.. like it lots.. oh well.. take care everyone..

i posted this is fod..
everyday is the same. the pain lies hidden at the back of my head. i've always disguised things that bother me. i want to be strong. just like you and the others. pretend is the game i know oh to well. but i hate it so. my eyes are always covered by my happy smile. but i also wonder why you can't look pass them into my soul. all i ask is for someone to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and smooth out the creases. i just do not want to be the person, whom everyone can see through.

i thought that these thoughts, they don't matter. but i was wrong. they are the only thing that matters. it keeps nagging at the back of my head while i daydream, or when a song plays that reminds me of it - it hurts. it's there. it's never gonna go away no matter how far or fast you keep running. some of the razor marks start to fade. and i never fail to wonder how would life be if i still continued. i would have control, won't i? i say i'm ok, and somehow i wish i believed in myself. and often, i wish i had never stopped. of course i can start again. but what's holding me back?

if only i could find myself. or at least have someone to find me. i want to cry but my eyes are just too dry. i want my release but i hold back. i don't even know if i have the blood to bleed, or the tears to run down my cheeks and ruin this perfect disguise.

dreamer ♥ 12:49 AM