...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Friday, January 09, 2004

heyy there! finally im updating! phew. its been sucha busy week! sigh! i can't believe its just the first week of school and im already stressed.
i can't remember much of what happened in school on tuesday. my chem tutor mdm tay ah bee was saying that my class is pretty well known. like what the hell lohs. diaoooo. hahhaa. she's good lar. strict. but good. heh. my maths teacher sucks. mrs low chia. i just dont like her! i want simon back! boohoo! =P puisin accompanied me to bugis to buy a bag and rae's present. i almost called hari to accompany me. lol. well we were dead tired - our school ended only at 430 with gp as our last two periods! eeks! -shakehead- it was really really hard to find a presentable gift. finally settled with this really cute house.. which has a doggie and a heart inside. hope she'll like it though. well ive also decided not to get a bag. shall just sew up my current one and just use it for the whole of this year. interesting part of the day was when i wanted to bossini after going to giodarno. so while looking at some simple tops, ps spotted this really gd looking chi salesman inside trhe shop. hoh0ho! lol. so yeah.. wuhaha.. you should have seen her, she wa slike blushing. but it was me who was talking to him! haha that silly gurl! eeek! the whole thing was so funny. heh. oh rmb i was suppose to meet joyce for this bugis thingie? well i didn't. she had touch. -.- ugh. irritating. fine. haha. mmmm.
on wednesday i had like three periods of chemistry. oh my gawd. tiring man. couldnt concentrate towards the end. not like i understand much of it either. sighs. well after that we had band prac. before that accompanied piggie while she had her lunch. something got me a lil moody so i quickly called bz and we went to dot he board.. had to get out of the room asap. heh. =x well we sat outside the bookshop and chatted fer a while. think we did the board pretty nicely. thanks lots bz! muacks! the food mats are really attractive with the strips. and of course i lurve the stars and the glitter! hee. we're not done with it though. during the course we saw ms wun many many times. yani stopped by too. alter found out she needed tot alk to me. poor gurl. hope everything's fine fer her though. after doing the board we went back for band prac. only hoping for it to end quickly. gee, the rain was really heavy. met lm and shumin at the busstop. had a nice long chat with lm in the bus. hee. thanks babe. -smiles-
i didn't go to school on thursday. actually i was suppose to wake up at 2am to study. kirrthana was supposed ta call me, but she didn't. ended up waking up at 7++ and i obviously was late. so yeah i didnt go to school. and my luck, was coughing away badly and couldnt stop sneezing. i fell back asleep and woke up pretty late the next time. don't remember doing much work. guess i caught up on my sleep aye. heh. well ytd wasn't a very nice day though. heard my mom and add quarreling. sigh. it's like my dad got his pay 300 bucks and he spent it on drinking and gambling. -.- he didn't give any of it to my mom. my mom however on the hand will have to handle all the bills. it's really stressing. im not ususally comfortable in handling family problems. and i don't know why my dad just cant give up his drinking habit. it's destroying a lot of things. he makes my mom real worried and sad. sigh. we have already tried talking to him. its useless. totally pointless. karen's prezzie came in handy ytd. really thankful she bought fer me that cd. its helping me A LOT in reducing my stress level and calming my mind. really. seem to be having headaches lately. one side would just start ta ache. eek. sucks man. sighs.
today. well it was an alrights day. i got a shock when i came to know that i had to pay 85 bucks cash asap bcos they couldnt deduct the money for the bintan camp. sighs. i feel so uneasy to deliver this message to my mom. when we're already so tight in money matters. sighhhh. its so hard being poor sometimes. =( still hafta pay 7 bucks for class and another 5 for bandfund. hais. PE wasn't too bad lar. though i felt like my legs were gonna fall off. muahahaas. we might be doing the roadrun route nxt monday. sheesh! dead meat. lol. gp was very funny thanks to chun guan's silly answers. haha. was so glad ta see jenna in class today! hee. -smiles- tamil was a free period. so yeah did more copying of lecture notes and stuff. after school discussed about our class notice board. eeks. needta go get the stuffs sigh. walked around quite a bit. saw a lot of j1 indian guys. aye, actually not that bad lar. really. the girls i not too sure lar hee. was in the canteen and shal doing some work before i left with elis. then i saw this guy! wuhahaha quite ok i think. eeks!! really can't wait for ICS orientation. i would really wanna go. BUT i PRAY HARD that band will not clash with my ICS.. if nto i might just go for ICS orientation? provided its not band orientation lar.. -cross fingers and hopes for the best- please God!!! please please please! hee hee
well as you've realised i havent talked much bout school hours. nothing interesting. just the same ol lessons and homework. its really stressing. my chem test is either on monday or tuesday! and ive only started very little. and my bio test has been pushed forward to thursday! i think im just so dead. then maths test is on satruday. *sobs* i am soooo gonna flunk. sigh sigh sigh. *sobs* the irritating thing is i dont wanna fail, but there's just no more hope left. sighhhhhs. and ya know beeen thinkin quite a lot lately. mmmm. in the morning i saw Linkin park's Numb video.. and you know that gurl in the vid? she has the word 'numb' carved out on her arm. real huge. it just kept flashing across my mind. like haunting me. i don't know. sigh. i have just been thinking too much i know.
and you know what.......... i suddenly miss weilun......... you know who he is rights.. i thought bout him quite a lot today...... sigh........... =(

dreamer ♥ 4:12 PM

Monday, January 05, 2004

*takes a deep breath* forgive me if today's entry doesn't make much sense.
initially i didn't want to come online. but i need to tell you blog. there's noone else.
guess lay was in a good mood today. chatted with me quite a bit in the morning. when i saw hazel and lay, i just wanted to be with them. but it's just not possible anymore. things change and rearrange. everything that once was, isn't, and never will be again. sometimes i feel like i need to start over. go to a new place. somewhere i don't feel so out of place and away from everything else.
lessons were boring. i was dying. it just felt weird. truth is, its hard to click with yani they all now. its obvious uwa has brought them closer together. or maybe its just a matter of time, since school only just began. it kind of bugged me when i knew there was something all of em knew cept for me of cos. and it sucks that none wanted to tell me. guess i prolly shouldnt know. guess.. im just not close enough. but.. it's ok. during break today i had to go find kirrthu and hema bcos i felt so out. laughed and was happy with them. but how i talk to them.. i can't with the others. its different. maybe bcos ive spent more time chatting with kirrthu and hema. esp the band ppl. was really happy to see some of them around. i'll just smile and wave frantically. they make my days brighter you see. during maths lecture, there was a period of time i dazed off. because i strongly felt school sucked, and i'm not ready for all that shit and those yet to come.
felt weak. when i inhaled, my chest hurt. thought i was going to get asthma or something. pe kind of sucked. lost my stamina. was breathing heavily. sigh. i've put on weight. feel so fat and urghy now. i need to go on a diet. i spent a lot of time smsing today. i was very happy when laimeng came to give me the money for the present. so efficient? thanks a lot lm. if only everyone was like you?
i went home with puisin today. gee. she really cares a lot for me i guess? it was pretty overwhelming. she wanted to take bus on the other side cos if we went to that stop qh wld be there too. mmm. and when bird n xin asked her along she said she's accompanying me. aww. it was really sweet of you puisin. i rally appreciate it ya know, i really do. -tight hug-
km passed the gift yt made. it was really sweet of him to think of us. appreciate the effort lots. karen darling gave me a xmas present too. neatly wrapped in pretty red with a ribbon and seashell. beautiful. it was the cd - somewhere over the rainbow~ and i love it so so so much! i just love it SO much! karen was sayin somewhere over the rainbow reminded her of me. awww. i miss karen so much. -sobs- sigh. why must things always be so hard. i listened to the cd and still am listening. it's beyond words. just relaxes the mind.. touches your inner self.. it made me cry. and still tear. i don't need a reason for tearing. rights?
why is this hitting me now? i don't know. different things hit me at different times for different reasons. there's something with the night time that screws with your mind. it brings out all your inner thoughts. i've just been thinking about things. how artificial everything feels lately. i've never felt so artificial towards myself and the people around me. i don't know anymore. it's come to the point where it hurts to even breathe. and it's stronger now as i inhale. its like depending on others to invoke fun in your life to help you distract from the demon you keep inside. just so unreal. and even though you're surrounded by a bunch of people, you just can't help but feel alone. but in the end, you're always end up alone.. don't you?
i'll always have these thoughts in my head. thoughts reminding me that i wasn't made for this life. thoughts telling me that everything falls apart eventually. and im standing at the edge of all things. i need a resolution. i need to find myself again, even it's going to be hard. even if it's going to hurt. i need to do it on my own.
i wonder how long i will be able to refrain from just.. letting it all flow away

dreamer ♥ 7:40 PM

hmmm. so i've finally completed my bio tuts. but i couldnt really continue with chem. was just too lazy. sighs. didn't touch maths either. going to have two freaking periods of pe tmr. eek. dreading it. wonder what it'll be like. i haven't exercised in such a long time. yes, im sucha pig. rayve sent me this song hoobastank - the reason. it is indeed awesome. went to look at the lyrics of other songs on the album. really cool. too bad i can't downlaod them now. pretty laggy in irc. wonder if i should go buy my bag tmr or the next day. i just hope i don't come online as much for this week. would really want to get rid of this addiction to the computer. i know it's bad. but my mind doesn't. don't know i tend to feel a little low in the nights. haha. gee. think i'll hit the sack by 130am. going to do some vocabulary thingie now. nights.

dreamer ♥ 1:02 AM

Sunday, January 04, 2004

hey. yawns. im tired. very. went to da docs just now. went to the market with my mom. only completed 2 tuts for photosynthesis. productivity level freakin slow. kinda piss me off cos im not putting in extra effort to work any faster. still dare to sit in front of comp slack and surf. =( stupid me. -shakehead- took so long ytd to read photosynthesis. after this gonna do respiration. then the tut. needta start on chem. maths is a goner already. sighs. feel daaaaammmnnn ugh-y now. think i'm like really weak. my heart was kinda aching just now when i came back home from ghim moh. o.O" had very little sleep. gettin occasional headaches. siblings not at home now. they went to the zoo. didn't even ask me. diaooo. fine. not like i'll go anyway. last year went with my girls already. hehe. will be meeting up with joyce soon to go get my new school bag. hopefully i'll find something cheap and nice. you know how indecisive i can be at times. -.- sheesh. gonna do hmwk now then. -sighs- so whiney. heh sorry~ oh yeay! brenda just added me on friendster! so cool.. my tpt senior back in newtown! LOl..

dreamer ♥ 2:33 PM