...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Friday, November 28, 2003

3rd day of bandfest.
nothing much happened today. we were late. had to stand. but didn't really bother.mm.. just the usuals. wasn't playing my best. but i don't think i care, for today. i'll perform better tmr ok? only benjamin didn't come today. the other 2nd tpter guy came. don't know how ta spell his name. horn section looks really close. cool. we were released early from sectionals. cool aye. 'twas fun gossiping - me,joce,chee hui & jm. lol. really funny. rehearsals ended early too, at like 3pm? and when jm said sth in chinese i kinda like said sth back then everybody was like you know chinese? haha.. funny? my my. that eileen was shocked? that pj gurl who asked jm bout me? lol. HA. -.-" everyone else was i guess? but it's nothing shockin what? -shrugs- it's a pity i can't speak chi only a lil ? haa used to in sec sch. but i don't anymore. anyway i think jonathan's really sweet though naughty lol. when i was walkin past he was like hey vicky how are you and how's yer day? honestly, no guy has asked that before. so he gets a plus point! lol. yeaps. the video was funny. we got our tees. orange yet again? thank gawd it's big! -smiles- then got to know who clive-lookalike was. ha. after tt had a short meetin and took a bus home. mmmm.
i think i get what bz told me last time. sometimes you wanna talk but just don't know what to say. was wondering what she might be thinking about too. but oh well. it was awkward. not speaking. so i just stared out of the window. lookin at the rain. dissolving into it. felt so sad. i like rain don't i? but today, it just seemed that the rain was the silence tears of my heart. i started to trace my scars. slowly. one by one. i closed my eyes. going back into the past. remembering the pain. going through the memory. the screams. the madness. how each one came by. what each one of them meant. what each of them held.
sorry when i lie to you saying that i'm ok. i'm falling apart inside. but i can't tell you, cos you can't see. maybe i don't want you to. it's inside anyway. tonight i drowned in my sorrow..singing songs. trying very hard not to give way and let the tears win, cept fer one or two. just imagine having to wake up every morning and peeling your fucking skin. peel and bleed. scream if you need to, but nobody's going to listen anyway. it burns when i apply the cream. burns like fucking hell. and it hurts. i've been going through this for years. don't tell me it'll go away cos i've waited for years. don't ever tell me it'll be ok or not to think about it. you don't have it. you don't know what it's like. it's a torture. imagine carrying pain and torture with you everywhere you go. eevry morning when you wake up that's what you see. that's what you do. i remember clive once telling me, we shouldn't live in self-pity. i believed him then but i can't anymore. maybe his isn't as bad as mine. it's huge. hurts more. i'm trying not to tell him things anymore..why burden your friend right? i'll just keep it. what else will i do then? just bleed more.
there's so much hiding under torn pages that you will never see
[added] somebody under the name of 'secret admirer' send me this mail with some surprise crap..then say what if you don't know who i am still, wait fer my next mail.. AND a hint that i know the person very well? like ya right.. i don't know anybody very well. wish people will stop playing games with me. sighs. -.-" dumb.

dreamer ♥ 9:35 PM

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dreamer ♥ 7:41 PM

Thursday, November 27, 2003

2nd day of bandfest
met bz at clementi. then bumped into siyi and the rest? went to NIE together. happily jiamao only woke up when we were already in the bus. hurr hurr. lol. well shocking? i was the only 2nd trumpeter today? grr! the two guys didn't come. arseholes! sabo me. hurmph. lol. i was very scared.. lol.. don't like ta play alone? told you i don't have much confidence? so yeah. bleaghs. tried but was rusty during sectionals. lunch made me really full and sleepy as usual. lol. and i was gettin tired already. combined rehearsals. well played the rhythms much more accurately than ytd of cos. good? yeahs. guess what! jonathan came today! the fourth tpter from hc we've never met before cos he's not performin in Noel. but hey! he's cool! lol. really? maybe the best among them all in looks? but he's a cool dude. very friendly. haha. crappy and slackie like me and mavis? haaha! 'twas fun with him around..crappin and stuff..then think kaikiat very weird? lol.. cos when he see me he'll like.. aye.. hello! hahaa.. like he's stun to see you? then he say hello? maybe his brain function slow? muahaahha k k i not evil hahaha..=P talked more with fel today too..heh..she told us that edison only join band this year.. but he fake til very pro?! lol.. we were sniggering away hee..! im pretty happy with my sound today? really? i dont know why. but when i was like tired as in like my lips are tired already..its only then i play really well? somewhat like my peak? pitchin of the notes were good.. yeah cool? haha.. was tellin bz and she was sayin hasta do with da mindset? cos when you're tired you don't really care much of being scared or whatever? you just play out..mmm..must try to have that kinda mindset and attitude always.. will be better.. yeah heh..then later.. the alto clari ac guy and another one came over to beside us with jonathan? oh my gawd lohs! those guys! cmi sia! lol.. darn funny!! eeeek! guys..-shakehead!!- oh btw, mavis was very helpful today..hee..-grinnnn- so i kinda enjoyed the rehearsal lar.. cos after gettin to know all the rhythms you can dissolve into the music? yeah it's much ncier that way..hee..
after that was the amazing race.. it wasn't as bad as we thought we would be.. out group super slack.. and for one moment we just cut across the plaza and just kept walkin though the person ask our grp to stop? so naughty right? then the guy he'll close one eye and pretend he never see.. wuhahaha.. then i was also like.. we also pretend we never see you ahaha best sia my grp..lol..we practically made rounds lar.. later chee hui and i took the disability of tying our hands tgt.. fun? swing here swing there? lols.. one of the forfeit we had to do salsa?! grr! lol.. funny.. then nothing much lar.. dont rmb already? haha but today was a quite fun? heh definitely better than ytd.. though i was the only 2nd! lols.. made new friends too.. hee..
OH YA! one thing.. ya know this gurl was askin jm..who was sittin beside me.. how am i? as in like maybe my standard in playin tpt lar.. she ask in chinese.. right in front my MY face k!!! wth!!! i almost wanted to glare at her.. might as well just ask me lar.. SIAO.. -.-" hahaha but nvm lar.. she also dunno neways heh heh.. mmmm.. whatever hee hee.. siao now.. been crapping fer a very long time in jjcsb.. lol.. and today the seniors seem ta be comin in one by one? lol.. cool.. oh well.. i shall stop here.. -smiles-

dreamer ♥ 11:05 PM

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

i needta try and make this entry fast. well today is the first day of the bandfest. in the mornin after watchin the video clip of a voice within i kinda felt it. hope maybe? so yeah, fifi what ya said was right? the song really helps..-huggies- the first person bz and i saw was ezekiel! lol.. i was so jealous so ezek's in bz's grp! lol.. and they have can so much of fun.. and ginny's there too! haha. hwa chong was so late lohs. haha. jonathan's suppose to be in my grp? but guess he ain't coming.ezek's changed his hairstyle. it looks SO much better! haha.. well we saw min yee too.. but the thing was she didn't seem ta be very 'happy' to see us? like she didn't wanna acknowledge us? like -whatever- well the talk made me kinda sleepy. oh! and guess what! mr rasull was there! the one who came to newtown. no wonder the first time i saw him i was like, my gawd this guy's darn familiar. LOL.
the room my group's using is the Recital room. not bad aye. well the tour was boring. we were the third grp to leave but first to come back. haha. super fast. after that we played ice breaking games. guys inner circle and gurls outer circle. we hafta be really really close to one another so that when we sit, we will actually be sitting on the person-behind-us's lap. then we hadta move a few steps. it's coordination and cooperation. but i think it was fun. hee. after that we played this game, the one also at bintan camp. but this time it's from egg to chicken to monster to saint! and i won all my first times! so pro? muahahaha. -smiles- since there was still time. we were split into two groups and introduce ourselves as well as say somethin unique bout ourselves. kinda got ta do with gettin to know and voice projection. i said i like to laugh. true what? =D then came Lunch! yum yum! was hungry! heh. had a good meal indeed. oh there's actually two indiand guys one in RJ another in SR and one indian gurl in my grp from AJ. i think our ICS don't like AJ? haha.. she's clarinetist but should be cool.
combined rehearsal. there were six people in my section. two guys. mavis is the only one playing 1st from temasek but she's goood! she plays SO effortlessly. i really wonder how? but don't think i can get that now even if i want to? was telling bz maybe it's all in the mind. we shouldn't think that it's too hard or sth. yeaps. three 2nd. one AC,benjamin..one PJ but dont know his name? =x two other gurls in third. hope to be better acquainted with em soon. mavis is real friendly. yeaps. she's the hyperactive noisy kind i guess? like angel? hahaaha! so we went straight into playing the pieces. and it was good really. heh. -smiles- wow? their sigh reading was good? mine okok lar huh. can pass. heh. i did lots of listenin. like being in tune, how they play with certain style. good that i don't play too straight. then i was thinkin while walking home that maybe i lack confidence. i think i don't have it at all. cos it's like here today i could play nicely? even though a lil rusty but nice? at least a lil? think it's the influence of the sound i hear beside me and around? so how..how am i to play like that in bandrm? must try. haha. kk i know im talking to myself kaes. just excuse me. hee. got really sleepy and tired towards 4pm. then we had ta clear the room and make space for some games.
guess what we did?! we learnt salsa steps!! wooohooo! and my sister was just doing it the other day at home? so cool? i love dancing =x muahaha.. it was fun! after that dismissed.. then i met ginney and finally got back all the pieces..thank gawd.. hee.. well mentally i didn't start out very well. but it really got better after a while. sighs. =\ mmmm. went home with bz. its nice to start talking to peeps like joce and cheehui. cos initially we chat very lil. yeaps. hee. -smiles- wonder what was wrong with km cos she seemed really silent..scary..hope she's alright..=\.. anyway very happy for laimeng for passing her maths -huggies darlin- well bz lent me this novel. heh. we walked with ezek. fun fun. missed my dear section mate! hee!
guess what! i took 74 back home rights.. and i saw benjamin on the bus! the one that was sitting beside me. lol. he either stays nearby or he's going back to school. haha. -shrugs- mmmm when i came home i slept till like 10? so long? yes i was that tired! maybe cos slack so much and one day of work is tiring. heh. but tmr and the day after should be even more intensive with sectionals and stuff. yeaps. alrights. was wondering.. maybe was a lil happy today? but i'll still keep my unhappiness with me? i don't know why.. eek gtg.. =) nights!

dreamer ♥ 11:21 PM

i had just so many things to say. but they're gone already. did you catch the sound of music? it's one of my favourite movies. was singing along and later wondering.. maybe i should have joined choir instead of band. this is horrid but thoughts of quitting band, and not being in band have been invading my mind. i think i enjoyed being in band more in sec sch rather than now. or maybe it's because the seniors have left. at least i have four true friends in band now. oh well, i can't wait for leemin to come in Jan. it's a pity az wouldn't be. jessie is too. then we all can have so much of fun. tpt can be havoc again, in a good way of course. =) it's the first day of the daycamp fer bandfest tmr. and i'm awake at 315+am. well i went to bed at 1030. then i woke up suddenly, unable to sleep. that's why i'm making an entry. mmmm. was sight reading the score and found out, reading rhythm isn't so difficult afterall. haha. seriously. just takes time and effort. but to improve it would take practice of cos. i have mixed emotions towards tomorrow. well i sure am excited bout making new friends(edna has told me bout her acquaintances) but it's just not at the top of my list at the moment. but i'm sure it'll be interesting. got to enjoy myself. -smiles-
xmas is coming. i'm pretty excited. i've kind of done away with the idea of making presents fer my darlings. i figured i wouldn't have the time. so i'm just gonna get cards. perhaps make something small? i also thought of giving the band dudes something..wishing them merry xmas and a happy new year. ya know. 20+ wouldn't be much of a chore or anything. it'll nice wouldn't it? i hope so. i'm not selfish so if i do, i'll do for all. maybe just more words to people who are closer. hee. will it be dumb to roam around orchard, by myself? my eczema actually isn't getting any better. sighs. i don't know what else to do anymore.
ytd i chatted with yun. she's the only one of the three i'm still talking properly. i was thinkin of meetin the trio soon. but i'm starting to have second thoughts. i was reading the site of someone who's trying to help people to stop cutting. it kinda freaked me out because i'm afraid i may not stop in the future. it's scary. and i've only managed to refrain for a few months. and even though you're fighting alone;here, sometimes its good to know in this world, you're never really alone.
the surrounding is changing. and i know i have to change to adapt. but i can't, not now. i don't mean to be evil but i still feel that people just drift away from me. everybody. really. and it's time like these when i feel desperately alone, that i have people like yumin to cheer up. she's a sweetie. somehow, i feel she'll stay with me forever. and there's also a few other od friends who give me their support and caring words, something i need now and really lackin it from people whom i call friends, in reality that is. You see, i've lost faith in them because i know they're not always there. So many drifted alliances have made me weak and now i find myself not even bothering to defend myself against those who try to bring me down. i find no point in speaking, no one's listening anyway. i'm falling deeper, drowning. and it's harder than ever to come to the surface to breathe.

dreamer ♥ 3:36 AM

Monday, November 24, 2003

kinda wrote this on paper at 2+am. i thought i screwed up again cos couldn't connect to the internet. thank gawd everything's alright today. well ok this is gonna sound weird but am just gonna go ahead and spill it. i suddenly feel i should stay away from the people who know me, in reality. i don't know why. sighs. i'm fickle huh. everything's complicated. i don't think they're gonna understand this part of me. broken and vulnerable. feel that they should keep some distance from me. i've hurt and lost too many friends and maybe i don't want them to be my next victim. besides. i don't think they're exactly close to me to even begin with. whatever.
mmmm. i've really missed my od pals. had sucha busy year this year and wasn't able to really keep up with them. chatted with yumin just now. she's a real sweetie. -smiles-
i really don't think comin ta jc was a wise choice. seriously. now. it's like reopenin an old wound. and i want more. even though i know it's gonna hurt. i always felt unforgiven the day i started to bleed this way. like i don't deserve any of this. i know i feel it's deeper b'cos i don't like what i've done, what i'm doing and what i'm about to do. it's liek back to the old ways. and hoping it'll stay that way? i'd rather stay in the pits forever than keep rising and falling all over again. cos when i fall again it gets harder each time and im not strong enough to handle it anymore.17 yet still so stubborn. ha. i suffer and shall suffer. it's alright this way. at least i'll get use to it.
welcome to the depressing phase of my life. -smiles-
well family's situation is kinda of gettin better. only sometimes mom and sis both shoot sacarstic comments at each other. trynna keep my eczema under control too. mmm. guess now i'm off to practising SAT. btw, how's the new orientation of my blog?

dreamer ♥ 8:57 PM

Sunday, November 23, 2003

hmmmm. i thought it was over. i thought i was strong. but it was all building up slowly. one by one. and now it's all back. to haunt me. to taunt me. i thought i was done with all this pain. but it's back now and hurting badly. much stronger. putting on a brave face i say nothing's wrong when i face with problems and conflicts. i've tried to swallow the pain. but i don't know how to deal anymore. there wasn't anyone here tonight to listen. to save me from something crazy. i was shaking. from the pain. it was too much. my heart was pounding and i couldn't breathe anymore. i was choking on my pain. the world around me started to spin and i started to see things in red. they blinded me that day. i was wondering where they were, and there they lay. clean. calling out to me. wanting to help me. tonight, i made use of them. these blades are blind. (funny isn't it. and i was just asking for the courage the other day. and now i did it.) one part of me wants to quit. but the other keeps sayin, it's all right, it's ok. but honestly, i felt better. i started breathing better. the tears stopped and the smile surfaced. i think i'm gonna go back into isolation. it's so much better that way. well what can i say.
i guess this is an addiction that'll never end.
shhhhh. it's dark again.

You are burning

What Self-Mutilation Are You?
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DeeplySuicidalCutter

Deeply Suicidal Cutter
You cut because you REALLY REALLY need it. I'm
kinda worried about you actually. Next thing ya
know you're gonna be hanging yourself or taking
too many pills or turning the gas on and taking
lots of deep breaths or... Oh, crap, I'm just
giving you ideas now aren't I?
Good Ssong For You- Majandra Delfino- Bruises
Good Movie- Ginger Snaps

What kind of cutter are you?
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HASH(0x8452af8)

you are emotionally self-distructive

what type of self-distructive behavior are you?
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dreamer ♥ 12:21 AM