...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, January 08, 2005

i do not have any complains of my job. its quite alright. keeping in mind, the fact that it is difficult to get a job. one week of work has passed by. i hated it at first. but i guess it grows on you. routine. you just look forward to getting the money. i've had some unpleasant calls. some who aren't interested and rude. but i guess i've yet to get the worse. i sure do hope i don't.

i have been thinking quite a lot lately. as always. i guess i've lost myself along the way. i don't feel like myself anymore. like i do not fit in my own skin. i feel like i'm on the outside looking in. i only see the bad in me. i bring myself down. i don't know if i remember what it feels like to bleed. sometimes i feel like i want to remember but sometimes i don't. it just keeps haunting me whatever i may do. there's nothing i can do to solve this. i can only hide it away. only to be tormented another night. i don't like to feel this way, but i can't help myself sometimes. i feel as though its just in me to be depressed. and if i do get too happy, i become suspicious of my happiness. if it is just a fake lie and i'm just pretending to fly. and i just have to make myself feel empty. and lonely.

maybe its because there's not much of a purpose in life now. we're just counting down the days to when the results will come out. judgement day that will determine the future. i kept seeing myself shedding either tears of joy or tears of sadness. so much, i doubt i'll have any tears left that day. well, there's nothing to say about it really.

i'll be meeting someone new tomorrow. truth is i think we're pretty different. especially with what happened. hmmmm. i don't know what to make of it. but i can't be bothered to think anything of it. ok yes, maybe i'm a little bothered by it but i'm just keeping it at the back of my head. i guess i can draw better conclusions tomorrow then.

i was trying to look for a happy skin. something white and pink. something light. but i kept seeing more dark ones. *buries her face in her hands*

i wonder what kind of person i am. i'm kinda boring don't you think my dear diary.. -nods-

dreamer ♥ 8:33 PM

Sunday, January 02, 2005

hello. hello.
i feel like i'm talking to myself.
i've been sitting in front of my computer the whole afternoon, with nothing else to do. i have no more books to read. i want to go to the library but it never stops raining. but then, i love the rain. it's like my heart's crying. i'm not feeling better today. i had to sleep on the sofa because the room was too cold, with the fan switched on. i read a book in the morning around 4am. i woke up later around 8am. i spent some time to read the newspapers. my heart really goes out to the tsunami victims. if only i was older, i would love to go over and help them in whatever way possible. it would mean a lot for me. it will make a difference in my life. i know it will change me. i feel helpless, even though we've donated clothes and money. it will never be enough. i'm sorry but i can't help but think about death. i keep putting myself in difficult situations. i try to see myself in serious illnesses. like having cancer. going through treatments and counting the number of days left to live. then i'll live each day to the fullest, not taking life for granted. because no matter how i feel about what's happening around me.. the effect wouldn't be longlasting. i will return to the normal way of life and these things will be wrapped up neatly in the corner of my mind. but that's not what i want. on the other hand, i don't think there's a way of preventing it. lately, i honestly see myself in the hospital. i will wonder who will be the first few people to know if anything were to happen to me. i wonder who will care and who will not. who will come to visit me. hmmmmm. yes, i wonder a lot. instead of living in the present..i'm formulating a future that cease to exist.
my father has yet to stop drinking. even today, while i was reading the newspaper.. mother and father kept talking about it. its a norm now. he wanted to go down to drink more. i almost..almost..felt like saying.. go on. go ahead and drink some more if that's what you want. and be prepared because i'll start cutting once again. i know its wrong, but i didn't say it. i only thought of it. i will never stop thinking about it. its a memory that will linger within me for years, forever. there is no way to put it behind me, to leave it in the past, and move on. yes i sure can move on with life. but i will carry it with me wherever i may go. for the scars will never fade away. even if they do, the pain will never heal. the memories will be like yesterday. the release .. oh it cannot be forgotten because it was so bittersweet. its not wrong. but it hurts others. those who care. and i do not want to. and so i've stopped. for now. i've grown. i used to be self-conscious of my scars. always covering them up. but i don't do that anymore. even if my friends do notice, they don't ask of it. sometimes i feel i don't deserve to be alive. don't deserve. but i'll never have answers to God's plans.
ramble ramble.
i miss writing so much.
and i can only write when i'm depressed. and i haven't been in a long time. but i feel like i want to. i want to depressed. because when i write i feel more inner peace. sigh.
now i sit and listen to myself breathe. each one so heavy. i wish to be in another world. i wish there was someone i could talk to about everything. someone who will understand. i will find you one day. one day.

dreamer ♥ 4:25 PM