...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, December 13, 2003

heyhey. good news! well before i went offline on thursday i was tellin clive bout his present being with edna and to get it fast and all cos the rose might rot lol. then he was sayin he appreciated it and all. then after i got offline.. i was about to msg edna and tell her what happened lar.. but instead i sent that message to clive? wuhaha it was soo funny k! then he said yeahs.. he really appreciated it yup? i said sorry cos i was pretty much hurt from what he said the other time? haha then the next mornin i got a sms from him sayin he got the pillow and he finally said sorry for the other time..cos some things happened! awww..! i was so glad.. didn't expect his apology so soon? yeaps but am glad. so is edna and bz? hurray. haha. oh well, i went through hell then. am glad now, almost everything's back to normal. but i guess i understand better? learned a thing or two. like mao said, sometimes you won't know if you're close to a person or not. but thoughts like this will only develop a distance between friends rights? guess that's where trust comes in! so, i didn't lose my close buddy! -grinnnn- i slept late that night reading bz's storybook.
was late for band today. had to rush through my breakfast, you can say i didnt have much of a breakfast. seemed like i was getting sick or something. the weather was rather cold too. oh well. today's band prac was at LT3 and it was DAMN squeezy?! like what the hell? and it seems like we'll be performing there? hurr. like the environment being so small kinda affected my playing too? don't know how ta say. oh well. band prac wasn't good at all. mr leng was pretty pissed. he was talkin bout our attitudes.. and that we wouldn't be able to make it for the concert.. i silently thought to myself.. i can't make it for the concert. he said we're not good enough to be in jc band. look at me. im definitely not good to be in jcband. sighs. sigh lunch was boring? no food for me, besides nobody to accompany eat if i wanted to eat vegetarian food or something. so i quickly departed from bz. didn't wanna deprive her of her good food. so i went to the supermarket to buy cookies and water. sat outside the centre all by myself.. reading storybook eating cookies and water. i waited fer like 45 mins? and when rae yikling anlin and xiumei walked pass me, none of them noticed me there? wah.. im truly invisible? lol. cool. oh well.
just felt really tired all over? my mom says its because of being vegetarian and im not getting enough food. mmm. sectionals were so so? before that siyi kinda talked to those present there. the part when she said coming to band only when you felt like it? and also latecoming. felt pretty guilty. im sorry? but i was going just too much during that time and i just wasn't ready to face the world. sighs. oh well. like i said, just not fit. i'll try not to be late again my darlin. so.. so.. sorry.. i found it pretty hard to have sectionals cos the both of us needed practice and there wasnt anyone to clap. so yeah along the way lm came to help us. thanks a lot yeahs? oh actually during band prac regina turned around to see me. as if realising that im sitting there. then she whispered sth to lm who then turned to see me. its like they're talking to me? being the sensitive being i am, i immediately assumed that they prolly were talking how my playing sucked. horribly. i wouldnt be surprised if they did. cos i did sound bad today. but, dont do it in front of me? hais. but after she helped me.. it kinda faded cos afterall.. she's a good pal. -smiles-
i was telling siyi just now that.. i want to pull out of the concert. i feel that im not ready for this concert. as in, i cant play all the pieces properly. i know ive not put in enough of effort. and i dont know if a few days will do it. kitmun put in so much of hard work for this, so she does have a right to want to play. and what right do i have? none. compared to them, im just.. i dont know. can't even be placed anywhere near. disgustingly horrible. i know i have low confidence.. but now.. the only solution i see if .. getting out. -shakehead-
im so contradicting dont you think.
was looking at the pictures i took with bz. sighs. look so ugly? my eczema? just horrible? i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say anymore. i don't want to do it..im suppose to be refraining. i hope i can.

dreamer ♥ 9:37 PM

Friday, December 12, 2003

hellooo! gee am so tired! so let's make this a fast one. mom and rathiga were cleanin the drawers in the room and that woke me up! so i didn't sleep back again cos i know after that i will not be able to wake up. lol. i packed my lunch which is just rice and vege. kinda took my sister's shades without her permission, putting the purple ones in the cover so it'll look as if it's there. evil rights? haha. met bz in the train and she helped me with one plastic bag of the pillows. our shades looked almost similar aye? haha. first time i went to harbour front mrt today. yeaps. (yeah i know im lagging oh well) we took photos in the train! lol.. took the reflection of us.. i think the effect is pretty cool ya know! -winks- went to buy bz's lunch and some other stuff from cold storage. took the shuttle bus to sentosa.
well when we reached there weren't sure of the location though given directions. wondering why they can't just pick us up. but xiumei came down eventually. guess they must be really tired or something. saw jiamao in the pool in his trunks. lol. met laimeng and regina in the room. it was darn small? and the fact that it was messy made it worse? lol. i mean think they should keep the stuff more neater or something. at least it'll look better rights? xiumei gave me a shock cos she told me lings not going and that only six of the seniors are comin. man, i almost fainted? of cos i was a little pissed. but sigh, there's nothing we can do neways. well laimeng was saying they were planning to take the monorail and that they'll prolly be late for the bbq. so bz and i went to the beach. we strolled along where the waves touched the sand. just walked the whole stretch. not enjoying the sun too much (for me at least, i dont need tanning! lol), but the wind and everything else was cool. the waters were dirty, unlike those at bintan of cos! lol. clear waters there man haha. we went to sit at the rocks lookin deeper into the sea. dang, the rain clouds sure were gathering. the dark clouds and the waves looked pretty scary. but the wind was awesome. ya know the whole letting-your-hair-fly-in-the-wind thing.. haha. bz took more photos and she caught like the sun ray peaking through the clouds kinda thing? wow! so cool man! lol.when we started to feel more drops and saw lightning we decided to walk back. walked past the hotel. went to delifrance, btu man the drinks were just too expensive. drank peppermint milk tea. hee. then made our way back slowly~ the wind was just great. we found a place to sit and drink. watched the people playin bball. their skinny bodies with no muscles or six pack. -.- oh well they weren't really bballers though. saw some cute doggies around. after that we strolled again and took more pictures! haha. after bz has uploaded em i'll be putting them up and ya'll can go take a look! -smiles- neat stuff. lol. the wind started to blow real strongly. when it started to drizzle we kinda ran our back into the chalet haha.
then don't rmb? think we played reversi and then silvest shai and alvin came in. so together we played the HK game! oh wenting came in later on too. i sure was laughing like mad. just so exciting and funn! LOL! then we even played +1! eek. haha. siew kim played with us too! COOL! hee~ after that we decided to go down. saw edna and fifi on the way and when i said hello, edna just replied in a not-so-happy manner. think that kinda bugged me for a while? oh well. almost felt like smsing fifi and asking if anything's wrong or so. bz & i went over to help the food stuff with shai wenting yijia jiamao. silvest and siyi were there too. alvin started the fire! wow, he kinda did lotsa stuff by himself? like he's so pro! cool! heh! have a hard time remembering what happened. but yeah the seniors came down or so. oh this i must say! we were the first to hold umbrellas and so did the others! as in, they followed us. then jiamao came up with a BRILLIANT idea of using the swimming pool umbrella, the huge one. and brought the 'stand' over too! and oh my? everybody did the same thing too? i mean, typical singaporeans!! SHEESh! LOL.
oh well we were practically being steamed with all the smoke around. eek. i kept running to and fro, transporting the barbequed food over to the seniors. man, it's tiring. and worse being vegetarian, i don't have much energy? yeah pretty weak. but i tried my best. haven't been this way for so long? like myself ya know. happy, laughing, joking with people and making loadsa noise. it was hellava fun. i was so glad bz's involved? yeah like she did lots of marinating and all? poor gurl.. damn proud of my darling hee. well a lot of others put in a lot of work too. aww so proud of everyone lol.
ok then dont know why kitmun, laimeng, joce, regina and xiumei left for home. as in they didn't even inform us. rae told us one reason that when they waved to the seniors only a few waved back and some were dao, or they felt that some were dao. and maybe somehow they were offended. so they left. when i smsed kitmun she said that she was tired? sigh. i don't know for sure really. mmm. guess she doesn't wanna tell me but it's ok really. just felt that it was rude for them to leave halfway without telling us or esp the seniors. mmm. then angel was like askin me where's xinpei and cerong? and i said i don't know, which is the truth. then she was like, welfare leh. then i was like.. in my mind.. 'yar rights' grr.. okok fine.. im not as responsible as you okaes.. sighs.. im tryin my best yet she makes me feel as though im not doing my job? oh well. sigh? but i ain't angry with her or anything. yeaps. silly girl tried ta get shots of me! evil! haha and for one moment though edna was eating her fishballs i thought she was gonna snap a photo so i shrieked and caused everyone to jolt! lol..funny funny. mmmm.. seems like im gettin a lil sorethroat or something from all that laughing! haha!
the cake so bloody delicious! ok it looked damn good (of cos it should, its 70 bucks!)DAMN! lol. choco all over? we all stood around the table and sang happy birthday to jj band. heh. cool. then i only got two of the strawberries while i watched everybody eat the cake. but it's alrights. =] it was so tiring yeahs. took photos with siew kim, angel lings, and edna. too bad i couldn't take with fifi. actually i wanted to be extra and take a picture with all the seniors. but bleaghs. was too busy. ha! gave a daisy to bz siew kim and wanqi. gave the others their present too. but jeannie didn't come.. oh well. oh oh! edna gave me this pretty pretty card! haha! i`ll scan it tmr also. haha. and angel and lings gave me a chain, like the one i got in sec sch farewell..my section gave me that too. but this is much different of cos, and it's a STAR! hurray! loving it lots! haha. there sure was a lot of leftovers. seriously lots. well a lot of people weren't there anyways. yeaps. i hope they like the pillows and the letters? i really do. yeaps. hee. oh well. it'll be of good use since they're staying over! -grinnnn-
after we packed up shai bz rae and i left tgt. was carrying the uhm i tink noodles? or maybe rice? yeah big but not that heavy i guess.. but im energyless! lol. oh well. after much calling of taxis and failing, we decided to walk out to the bus stop. eek it was so far. and not to forget it was raining! we were like walking fast. then rae dropped a bottle and shai just said to leave it there! lol it was so funny. and rae just had to tell us about that ran-over-snake YUCK!! disgusting..i went like eeek! wonder what else might be around haha.. scary kaes. it was so dark man and only us. but it sure did make us walk lots faster but i was afraid of slipping and falling cos my slippers were SO wet! when we realised the bus was comin we were running with all we were carrying to the stop and thank goodness the bus driver stopped the bus in front so we didn't hafta run anymore! wooohooo relief! lol. then took the shuttle bus to harbour front. well waited quite a while for the taxi. and this guy who just came down the stairs had the cheek to go in front of us and take the cab that was suppose to be for us! like freak his man! heartless creature! cant he see us carrying so many things.like what's him problem man. but we got a taxi pretty soon. and i was the first to get off. yippie. hee. alrights done done done! phew! off to bed now.. darn tired! byeeeee!
added:: sigh, just realised? all my starving and hard earned money is gone? sobs? how to get xmas cards.. bags? presents for tpt sect for Noel? -sighs-

dreamer ♥ 2:10 AM

Thursday, December 11, 2003

heys. well woke up darn late. like 2? and that's because my brother came to wake me up. goodness. i mean, if he didn't? i might have been sleeping till god knows when. lol. don't remember much of what happened though. wrote the letters. still have fifi's and lings. don't know if i should write for jeremy and jeanie. not like we're any close or so. well two of the daisies turned bad. how sad? yeahs. think im left with two red and an orange. all the roses are good. oh well will not be having them tmr. lol.
my brother followed me to ikea and we met our sister before that. lol. cool, the three of us going out tgt? and for the first time, no arguments, no fights or anything? -peace- well only managed to get one silver ribbon. no more. got a clock for my mom's storeroom. after that we went to queensway. did a little walking around. went to da arcade where my bro played games. he's pretty good in the car racing thingie aye, came in first? lol. had ta wait darn long fer da bus ta come. oh well. was quite tired. watched charmed and dark angel. was smsing nazir for like two whole hours? dang that guy's darn cheeky+horny! lol. eek. haha. -shakehead- well tmr will be meeting bz first.she's gonna help me carry the pillows. i think i'll just give fifi a rose with a card? don't know if i should do the cup thing but aiyar nvm lar. lol. edna wrote in her blog that the juniors are disorganized? like wth? my instant reaction was like, f u? lol. i mean whatever lar, totally. grr. we did so much planning? who asked the attendance to be so shitty? so we did away with everything lar. from my point of view, we did the damn right thing. lol. oh well. gonna write fifi's and lings note now. just something short i guess. yeaps. shall end here.. take care ya'll! ;)

dreamer ♥ 2:27 AM

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

eeek! hello! lol. i know i haven't been updating but oh well nothing much has been happening either? yeah. so if i really update everytime it will just be the normal ol shit. well yesterday or rather, monday night was fun b'cos a few of the committee members were in one msn chat discussing about the chalet cum farewell. it was cool really. and i think it's great that ting kept keeping us on track. lol. like siyi said, we should have him at every meeting. mmm. chatted with yijia and jiamao throghout the early morning. slept really late.. like 4+ almost 5 i think? lol. really long aye. hee. explains why i get up so late too. well the roses and daisies seem to be doing alright. gee. just hope they'll last till thursday when the seniors get them. i have yet to do the four glasses thingy. and for the pillows i decided to do aay with the qoute thingy on it. and i've only got ribbon enough for two of em! so i have got to go to ikea tmr. eek. since i haven't done much i'm also not going for the chalet tmr. will only be going on the second day, which is the farewell. yeahs. besides, it'll pretty troublesome for me since i'm vegetarian. and the attendance of the seniors is horrid. really, i kinda got pissed? but after a while i calmed down and decided that it can be a bonding session for us J1s. -grinnnn- got the invitation from City Harvest today. haha my mom saw it? ha. i had to lie. sorry. but i dont want to know what she'll scold me if i went to church without her consent? yeah. i mean she won't scold me for going, but since it's without her consent, she'll nag. i always wanted to know what it's like. oh well i still remember the service i went to two years ago? remember it as if it were ytd. i did tear? i don't know. the atmosphere was so strong. i loved it. yeaps. anyway i haven't been SO depressed lately as before. and im kinda hating the scars on my arm. eek. drats. oh well. -smiles- i think i might wear the purple shades on thurs? don't know if they'll look nice on me though. i'll be changing my layout again. so bare with me. but i promise this one will stay for long this time. cheerios.

hurray! i've done it! lol. how's it? mmm. i'm lovin it. hurray. hahaaha. reminds me of the old layout i used ta have back in fod. sweet memories. well, the mp3 is Part Of Your World from Little Mermaid. nice aye? still have yet to write the short thingie for 'beautiful dreamer'.. took it off from last time.. -smiles- off to bed at this ungodly hour.. tata!

dreamer ♥ 3:39 AM

Sunday, December 07, 2003

i like my previous entry. mmmm. well i feel like slappin myself? but i've punished myself already. three on the upper arm. -smiles- and also to sleep and stop thinking? yeahs.
okaes. let me tell you about my day. SAT went alright? totally draining. felt very tired. the night before was nice? was sleeping beside my mom and we talked. then when it came to granny i broke down? just can't control. mom consoled me.. felt nice? yeahs. so i slept late. heh. then well band was bad actually. everybody was slackie? heh. bingzhen has a new hairstyle that's totally wackie? i think she's totally brave. lol. cool man. well after and came home. mood was all wrong though. came home with bad aches. watched tv. then used comp? for a very long time. and i transferred clive's farewell letter into the nice paper. it was painful to read what i've written. cos everything now's so different? well at one point i became totally hyper and crazy? like my 'old' self. i was happy that i felt happy? you know. but that didn't last me for too long. in my happiness i absent mindedly had to message clive and ask of his fever? then it occurred to me.. wtf am i doing? so i quickly said er just askin or sth like tt.. and to take care.. no reply? bugger. you know instincts tell me maybe something's wrong with him. and maybe one day when i wake up things will go back to normal. but after today, i think i may have been wrong. don't think things will ever go back to the way they were. am i really losing this wonderful friend? it's too much ok. really. i can't take it? can never. so it's like after all the happiness felt so fucked up again? like everything's still the same, and nothing's gonna change. this time it's hard for me. the drastic change. that's why i just had to do it. ugh. i'm not liking it either. sighs. feel like i need some kind of help? but at the same time i don't? just feel like i want to disappear from the picture and see everybody without me in it? get me? never mind. sighs.

dreamer ♥ 3:14 AM