...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

the day started great because i got my lost bio stuff back! but unfortunately not my black jacket. lucky for me, maths tutor was absent on tuesday! woohoo. so we did our own work. had an early break too. i guess i was a little grinny inside lol, cos i got to see him a coupla times. teehee. bio lecture went well. gp was ok too. lessons weren't really much huh.
lunch break was fun. was with my indian friends and laughing all the way. taking pictures too. really fun. *smiles* had bio tutorial after that, which was cool. we did tys questions since the new tuts weren't ready just as yet. after school ended my friend and i went to the canteen. i saw him. hee. he looked at me too. then went back to smsing. i was like -whatever- when i saw her in the canteen. lol. my two other ind friends joined us. studied in school till about 8+. finished my tut3.
he was in school till pretty late too, after mugging they played soccer. haha. oh and i smsed him ytd. weeeeeeeeeeeee!! *grins* so happy! lol. yeaps. he replied tooo..long ones too?! LOL. cool. talking about the interhse tmrw. his studies. heh heh. more than enough to make my day. lol. was too tired. slept, woke up and studied gp then went back to sleep again.
reached school super early today. say, 720? lol. sheesh. thank god, met my friend in school. chilled with her till it was time to budge. chem tut wasn't too bad this time. though i still have yet tor ead up on my NMR, i kind of followed what was going on. i was pretty attentive. after break, the practical went well too. but during the prac i almost felt like dying. i really really felt like i couldn't breathe. coughing just made things even worse. i know, im still sick. but there's no way i can stay home and not come to school cos this cough ain't gonna disappear within a day or two.
Gp test wasn't good at all. i only memorised until socio-political advantages and two pts of disadvantages. so i couldnt go on to the next page. but my first page was covered fully. heh. at least i did try to put in some effort to study for the content test. towards the end of GP, my tutor talked about reality. the things she said, were just oh so true, it made me really want to cry. i really know what she means. and i am one of those who knows my weakness in GP and im just running away from it. maybe i should go see her soon to get help for my GP. i have to. i need somewhere to start for GP.
ive already found back my focus. im doing things much more seriously now. pace is building up. and im falling back into place again and this feels good. after listening to my tutor today, i realise how badly i want to achieve ABB for my As. its my minimum target. and i am going to push myself towards these, no matter what it takes. like she said, you took 12 years to get to college. you have to MAKE it now. and i will. i know i will. but i want to do good. i still have work to catch up on. but im not giving up. right after im back on track, just like my tutor said im going to write down everything..everything i need to cover. and im going to plan my time. ive decided ever since tuesday, every day that's passing by is precious and if i waste one day, i can never get it back. i will do it i will do it i will do it!
anyway after school i was with my two ind friends. we mugged in the canteen yet again. completed my assgn3. guess what!! heehee. he actually acknowledge me! wuhaha. i didn't mean to turn to the side, but when i did, he was there and he was lookin in my direction. he was lookin at me. gosh. for that split second i felt that electricity from him. for that split second i was lost in his gaze. damn, how i always love the way he holds my gaze. then he nod.. smiling.. about three times.. like sayin hi you know? lol. i did too. then i went back to work [not exactly].after he was gone i was smsing my godsister. DARN how happy i was! i was practically smiling to myself. lol. woohoo. when they started playin. BIKILA and RONO yr1 teams we went to watch. it was funny. LOL. stupid fazal walking up and down sayin about him. lol. hee. silly guy. oh well. its a pity things didnt work out for him. but yeah, at least they;re still friends. im sure he'll find someone someday. mmm. nothing much after that. so now im here lol.
i need to kick this habit of coming online. haha. =P

dreamer ♥ 8:04 PM

Sunday, July 04, 2004

i wanted to update yesterday. but i guess things were just too contradictory. mmmm. well let's see. so i went to school, saw foxie at the busstop. during my free periods i was studying for my bio. so i kind of took close to 3 hrs of test? well the mcq one was tough. i just hope to do well. after that i skipped maths. they were doing chapter 4. i, however, am stuck in chapter 2.
i went to put my bag at the benches and made my way to the canteen to get something to eat. he and his friend turned around to look at me. his friend turned back but he was still lookin at me. i was walking along the corner. ya know, how you keep yourself isolated? he held my gaze..and he gave me this smile, which of course i returned. but there was something about his smile. something only the both of us know. it was..heart-melting. and once again, at that moment, it was just me and him and nobody else. me and him, even the crowd seemed to disappear. for once, i actually felt happy. my heart was smiling. then his friend called me and i had to the their PW surveys too. haha. for him too. i purposely asked them to hold on to it while i went to get my food and coffee, just so i can make another trip there. another chance to talk to him. hee. after doing the surveys i went over. hee. i was happy.
after that i did a little work and then joined my friend at the canteen to continue. they went to play soccer. heh. after that he had training. so many rounds he was running, and yes i got to see him run. lol. mmm. i stayed in school till around 6. finished three essay outlines and assgn2 and half of tut2.pretty productive aye.
when i was in the busstop, i suddenly realised that my jacket wasn't with me. like darn, thought weide had forgotten to take for me from the lt. so it was nvm. THEN in the bus i realised my bio notes and chapters weren't with me! and i had asked one of my friends to bring them in for me while i had to go for the test. and she forgot! gee. i was so heartbroken. i started having difficulty breathing. it was horrible. i started tearing too. i don't think you will ever understand how much those notes and chapters mean to me. ive diligently taken down so many stuff during lectures. all my hardwork. and now it's lost. it's heartbreaking, it really is. i was frustrated at myself for trusting others; like what happened to depending on myself! i only have myself to blame. sigh. i was so sad. my temp was so high. 38.1 sigh.
i was online and went to sleep for a while. but before i slept, he replied my sms. and after that will you believe me; i didn't have much difficulty breathing anymore. i was over the rainbows. i was just so happy. the little things people do. not that he did much, but its ok. my hp is full of his messages. and damn, after that i just felt so happy.
so then i was thinking. i have told people that i've decided to move on from him. to let my feelings go. but i can't. that's what i found out. i can't do it. and i don't know why. so for now, i'm just gonna try and keep with the flow. he makes me so happy anyway. but another friend did say - i will have to let him go sooner or later. sigh sadly, i know that. but it isn't gonna be now, not today, not tomorrow..not anytime soon. i don't know, but everytime i turn to walk away something happens to make me hold on to him. there's a reason.. i know its not one sided. its just that i dont have a reassurance. and i dont think i'll budge till i get that clear. -smiles- yeaps. at least i got one thing sorted out.
well my health. its bad. cough's worse. voice changed. wasn't able to do anything today. i hope i do so tomorrow. sigh. anyway i had a weird thought just now. it was like, my sick situation got worse. i ended up in a hospital. doctor saw my scars. had to see a therapist. and then. . . . i had to see the therapist, till it all stopped. omg. and i imagined myself telling him that. and i broke down while i did. words just got choked. and i teared. as in a few tears escaped, really. i'm so weird huh. just took two panadols. off to sleep. goodnight =) oh and, i need to try and take things lightly.

dreamer ♥ 1:37 AM