...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

heyyy. woke up pretty late today! but we were early fer school. phew. we had photo taking session after recess which was after pe! eeek. not good. lols. mmm. i was in the front row as usual. the class raps sat beside ms tan. mmm. i hope i smiled alright. heh. after that since it was halfway through civics we were allowed to do our own things. so we went to the canteen. had some discussions. nothing much really. oh yes. we got back our TCA3.. comprehension. seven people in my class passed. and guess what's the highest.. friggin' 37!! yeah man. this guy, charlin, from indonesia. actually he's sort of the "outcast" of the class. poor guy. but he sure earned something man. power. well obviously i didn't fair well. i got a 23. well i know i didn't put in much effort. if only i had, would have gotten two more marks and passed. oh well. tis my first time. look forward to improving. -smiles- mmmm. during mother tongue we watched the movie at CR4. my sitting position was damn shiok. one chair for my legs an.. yar.. nice position to sleep? heh. after that was bio lecture. was paying attention for 3/4 of the times. heh.

when school ended at 130 went to the tamil classroom. had this sharing session where our ex ics president, ashwin, and also chandru.. the top students.. talked to us. just sharing their experience.. how they made it to where they are.. they also gave us useful tips.. telling us to have the drive to win and not be contented with a pass.. which is definitely me.. always aiming for a pass? heh. yar.. lots of stuff lar. anisah and i feel really motivated to study now? i mean really really work hard? yar. and even though i've left off the first few months i should start now.. learn everything and take in now.. and we also plan to study during december hols so that we can clear our j1 work before going to j2.. but yar.. that's if i make it to j2? -shrugs- k k.. i`ll try ta be a lil positive here aye. took me a pretty long time to complete the file. had to do one tamil essay too. gee. i just hope he doesn't scold me or anything. heh. photocopied a number of stuffs from anisah's file. mmm.

ugh.. my eyes are stinging with tiredness..now i'm supposedly to do maths.. but it's a lil impossible cos i can't really bring all my brain cells together and crack.. yar.. so i'm thinking of either reading my bio text or doing this tamil write up.. on what we heard the other time.. something about time management and studying stuffs.. mmm.. i have anisah's one.. gonna take the points from her? cos when the rest of the class was listenin and taking down points.. i was sleeping? lol. alright, i won't be so slack anymore yar. =) okok.. i'm off now.. buhbyeeeee

dreamer ♥ 2:32 AM

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

sorry bout yesterday's entry. was just really bogged down by stuffs. but kind of cheered up in the end. slept around 3+am. didn't exactly feel too tired in school today, surprisingly. maybe i'm getting use to this? well i hope so. came to school in lay's daddy's car. luckily? if not i'd have been late. yeaps. need ta leave my house earlier tml. it's unpleasant to run every morning from the bus stop to the parade square. lol. mr jega's gonna be leaving us to take his phd next year. sadness. wonder who's gonna take over. hopefully not some ol' boring teacher. gee. my tamil file is like darn thin? and i've only got like one composition? gonna copy one laters. so at least i'll have two. heh. man, lost all my three months worksheets. oops. heh. i was really attentive during chem lecture this time? sitting directly in front of the lecturer but not front row, thank goodness. can't sleep no more. cos it'll be obvious. shucks. but i don't exactly grasp what's he saying. he speaks so fast. bleagh. i'm a slow learner.

ate quickly during the break and sat down to copy bio and some notes. gonna have my make up prac this friday. hee. ms wan's just so nice? i really love her so much. yeahs. if i'm not wrong the bio clinic is gonna start next week. gotta be relly committed and do all the assigned work. man. i will have to be more self dsciplined and learn to prioritise my work properly. i have a serious problem in managing my time. sighs. gp was not too bad. but i was like really at the brink of tearing. we have this group work thingy. each one's suppose to write a paragraph and like contribute. and my group all of 'em their english is like.. wow? ya know.. good really? even though elis's language ain't there her points are? and when i look at mine .. it's like.. nothing? total crap? total bullshit? felt damn inferior? was really on the verge of tearing man. tears were already in my eyes. was grittin my teeth tightly? heh. we were to read our own paragraphs but i got yani to read mine to the group.. yar.. that pathetic? but sighs. i just.. sighs. oh well yani was saying that the other time when they went to see mdm sal.. she said our clique is on the safe side..cept tt elis has to improve her language and i have to have more confidence. ha. rights really. mmm. ugh. gonna get back our comprehension, tca3 tml. sure fail. -.-"

got a call from joyce asking me to go to the grand stand. but i went to the canteen and talked to viv fer awhile. then i went to the grand stand and saw joyce mariam and lay! -wink- laters hazel came with karen. sang her a birthday song! hee. yeaps, it was her birthday on 28032003. yeah we had this cake too. put all the gifts for her inside this really huge box they got from ikea. damn pretty. there were rose petals.. lily.. boguht this cool shoes.. red black alil white.. hazel's kind..this purple elegant bag yar.. socks from joyce but with stuff written on it lar.. all damn nice.. and letters from all of us.. yeaps.. heh.. when she had to go fer art.. we went to the canteen.. when the girls went to play netball i did my work.. with viv who was teaching vikram.. yar.. around 7+ joined the girls.. waited for karen to come back.. then we went to IMM to have our dinner. we walked from the bus stop to IMM. singing along the way. man, i won't forget this? yeahs. i mean it's been so long. last time was like the first three months period. -smiles- ate at burker king. yummy yum yum. poor joyce was pretty sad..cried a lil cos of hadi. but everything was ok in the end. yeaps. karen lay yam and i talked about lots of stuff. just like old times. actually.. i realised i miss them a lot. somehow felt that joyce is the heart of our clique. heh. oh well, we all are actually. bits and pieces that make up one. awww. so sweet really. just felt really good. -smiles-

dreamer ♥ 1:05 AM

Sunday, July 27, 2003

_{i'm the suckiest friend anybody in this fucking world could have.

gawd I hate it, and yet I am unable to end it.}
There's that feeling again, you know the one.. the feeling that says your all alone and the world is against you.. that one moment of weakness that we all feel helpless.. yeah we all know that feeling all too well, and in a desperate attempt to avoid facing our true problems head on we search for temporary solutions.. the ones that we know aren't good or the right answer yet we always turn to them because it is simpler then having to fight the true problems.
People put me on the shelf when they are bored with me.. and when they have nothing better to do, I am the first thing they turn to.. i am like a bad drug.. Something that just eats away everything and everyone in sight.. i am nothing.. i have nothing.. i am nothing.. i am a drug.. a parasite.. a leach.. no one wants me around.. just take me.. take me home.. where ever that is..

And after about a month, a cut turns ashen in comparison to your normal skin. They sometimes seem like demon's marks to me.. but i no longer fear it. scars aren't meaningless anymore. each one is a story, an emotion.

dreamer ♥ 11:21 PM