...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Friday, October 24, 2003

heyyyyy im really tired now. eyes closing so gonna try and make this fast. well had a hard time wakin up today. there were only 13 people present in my class! sheesh. siew leng was a lil angry at first, sayin she's gonna call their parents but she cooled down. darn, thee's learnin journey on monday. and i hafta do maths tut and chem tut during the weekends. i might even do tml? suppose ta have outing with simon tml, tgt with the entire class. but they're meetin at 9am at harbour front which just makes it impossible fer me to make it. siiiggghhh was really lookin forward to it though. sighs. oh well, hopefully there'll be another time.
i really have lost my self discipline after the promos. am not paying attention during maths lecture. but i do copy down the stuffs. bio tut was kinda fun actually hee. ms wun prolly knows im nuts now. laugh like siao. my class guys funny lohs. esp karwei. keep sayin wanna come my hse ta eat. lol. silly boy. when the bell rang at 1115! it was time ta go home! HOHOHO! lols. was so happy. no pw (not like i even care).. i think my attitude now pretty bad, like heck care kind. oops. just a lil while more kaes? heh.all the teachers seem ta be scarin us! boohoo. jega wished us all and gave us some kinda muruku. yet ta eat 'em. went home with jasmin. entertained by her family stories. heh. very wasted got puishan sayin they ordered cake and wanted ta celebrate my birthday.. but lucky they knew in time to postpone everything. ooops? lol and they're just too sweeet.. sighs.. and it's sad? cos my class is like only now comin tgt.. all of us.. cept maybe the three musketeers..and if three retained.. it'll be real saddenin.. -sobs-
came online and slacked. was trynna find company ta go fer the art exhibition. nobody seemed da least bit interested. sighs. but lucky fer me clive said i could join him and claudia. so left home and met claudia first. cos clive had ta clean up his area. she's a sweet one. -smiles- saw angel on my way out! haha!! keke. met clive and made our way to da art room. saw pui sin!!!! lol.. what a surprise..then she was like oh so pretty.. like yar right.. pls lohs who ya trynna kid man lol. we first saw the jc1 work. wow, though they are just j1s i must say they are really good. really. wooow.. then we went to see ivy's work. damn good lohs. ytd karen explained to me and now i see what she meant. beautiful. then made our way into that room.. ah.. cool. started from one end read through the prep work. if only there was more time? i would really sit and study every single thing? cos i really think that their flow of ideas, creativity, and development of ideas is just wonderful lohs. its damn interesting. yar so i looked at everything. saw the best work.. the puppet thingie one.. its totally wow lohs. oh yar! saw bz parents after quite long? heh. they so sweet wished me happy deepavali. awww. -smiles- my fav fav fav one is the friendship one.. love it lots..clive said tt got A. i think it deserves it.love it really. yar cool. then went to the library one. so cool lohs!! siggghhhh. that bastard should really come see what these people are made up of. im just so proud of 'em. our fellow jjcians. woooowww.. lol. oh karen brought me around heh. poor darlin was havin a bad sore throat. but her voice is damn sexy when she has a sore throat. lol. so poor thing? she spendthe whole day doin her art and only had two curry puffs in the mornin? sighs. well after that went to find clive at the container. he happily explainin his work. haha. but actually he wanted to escape early one? lols. but yar. tooo bad lol. gave him the lil food stuffies. suppose to share with claud one but tt guy happily keep everything for himself! ahahaha.. BEST.. sigh the sky was so cloudy.. miss bintan sky.. all those pretty lookin stars.. heh.. i ate some of the food? sorry? hungry? hehe.. took some photos? the ones he took of the blocks with the lights..the effects was really cool? haha i was sittin so tired and like worn out.. he happily runnin here runnin there like one small boy so excited bout takin photos?hahaha. diao.. but sorry ah? spoil the photo we took..what to do.. so ugly~ hais~ and yar.. just slacked there lar.. read lings and clive's prep works quite a no. of time cos nothing to do. but its good what..so.. worth the read..lings happily disappeared and went home ah?! best! lols..then hadta get the keys from chia then close da doors.. but before tt he hadta do anotha explaination..-faints- then walk all the way back.. saw aiysah also heh.. karen was gonna go eat dinner with her pals.. didnt go lar of cos so tired and yet there's food at home and yar.. dont wanna be extra neways. took my dance costume from lings locker and finally left school. haha.should have made a bet with that basket hahaha.. kept sayin 99 gonna come.. hurmmpph! lols.. oh yar.. my 'frequency' was very low ah? happily intepret everything differently? LOL.. oh well.. what ta do.. brain slow? hahaha.. mmmm.. kaes.. had a good day today lar.. it was worth goin fer da exhibition. karen was pretty sad i guess? like of all the ppl she invited only me and her classmate came. like the gurls lay haze did come but like werent interested? maybe tired? but if they arent interested guess cant blame 'em.. but sigh. dont know why ppl will not be interested in these things? cos i think they're simply beautiful really.
oh oh.. ahha.. claudia said i look like an arts student?? hahahaha.. rights ah.. aiyox.. darn tired.. happy deepavali~

dreamer ♥ 12:02 AM

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

actually im feelin WEIRD now. but i had a great day. so let me tell you about it. well of cos my first wish already came from my darling jennifer. received three pic msges from woeilin, edna and jasmin. bz too. so happy that xiaolin messaged me! think it was almost one. yunyun msged me too in the aft. -grins- then next mornin dad and mom called. got msges from haze and lay. guess what, joyce (ntss) msged me! man, she actually rmbed. so cool lohs heh. yani anisah also. heh. ok i cant remember already? lols. got my first prezzie from wen! lol. it this clay thingy that you can attach notes to. and all the girls in my class started wishin me? so paiseh. lol. hee. elis gave me a prezzie too. awww soo sweet really? pink windchimes! lol. OH! bZ game me a prezzie too! lols.. heh.. in this lovely red bag thingie.. yellow photoframe with this photo that i and her took in the band room with the old memoir banner? awww so sweeeeet.. lols.. gave polly her postcard and asked jasmin ta pass faisal and maga theirs. in the canteen.. heh uhmm -chuckles- think she told him? then he was like hey vicky it's yer bday huh? haha then he wished me! haaha.. woohoo so happy ??!! i mean like of all people him? lol [edna think you know who but jenn this isn't the him you think im talkin about.. THAT person didnt even wish me -ugh.] had chem and maths lectures. uhmm then didn't go fer chem tut so two periods free. simon talked to our class on monday, when i was absent. something top secret. so cool. yet sad but yar. simon's a strong guy. love him lots really. he rawks a great deal. that's when i opened my prezzies? heh. nth to do what. found that he wouldn't be able to follow up our class next year? DAMN SAD? all of us share the same sentiments. its b/c of his pushin us and encouragement that we bucked up and pulled through lohs. sighs. -sobs- pw lecture was boring of cos. after that went for the damned debate thing. but laughed my head off. then helped with some of the deco stuff. lol. after that went to meet the girls. oh yeah before all this, the 9 chi girls from my class got me this perlini's silver chain with the letter thats really cute.. aww i love it lots.. didn't have a chain and now i have one? heh. oh now.. the girls.. guess what.. they actually got me a swatch watch!! what i've been wanting and it's pink! soooo happy lohs.. they can read my mind? hah.. had a group hug.. too bad mariam couldn't make it. so we made our way to holland. uhm, hazel accidentally took the rugby rm keys with her? so lay and her actually took a cab back to sch while karen and i went to swensens first.knew sth was wrong with karen but she didnt wanna tell me..sighs. mmm.we saw yoke min and she ended up comin with us too. total sadness cos joyce wasn't able to make it.. nvm.. guess what lohs.. they actually bought this tiny lil piece of cake and put a candle fer me.. awww it was so sweet lohs? lucky didnt cry? kept like, why they go and waste their money?
honestly, i've never eaten in swensens before.today mom only gave me 5 bucks when ppl usually get hundreds? but yar. i dont really care bout tt. im satisfied i actually have a family and friends to celebrate my birthday with.they didnt wanna take my money. but i'll slip into their bags or pockets tml. im good at it. yar. -smiles- sighs. fet like just crying cos i dont how to tell them that ive really appreciated what they've actually done lohs. seriously. hais. dunno why ppl wanna do things fer me? hais. oh and yar my sister messaged me to wish me happy birthday. i was totally shocked. but she nagged just now. doesnt make muchofa difference.
on the whole i wanna thank everybody for wishing me today. remembering is already a beautiful thing to me. really, thanks a lot? i really really appreciate and love ya'll a lot yeahs. thankiew so so much. lil reflection time perhaps? well life changed for me tremendously for the whole of this year. first it was the 1st 3 mths. really turn me around and made me crazy and not who i used to be. met beautiful people. then i met my band seniors who changed my life even more? well esp clive..thanks a lot? i dont think you know, or will get to know but yar, it's thanks to you i've refrained from blades. and you've made me look at life in a more practical way tho am still emotional. like i've said, you're just so full of truth. and the rest.. like edna all of ya'll.. amazing really.. i must be truly blessed to have found ya'll.. well i dont know. and muggin brought me back tgt with my angels. and im glad. i can never love them enough. bleaghs. love all of ya'll. ya'll make life worth living.............
and then there's still things that made me really sad. three particular people who yar.. forgot perhaps. i dont know lar but yar. sighs. nvm? mmmm. i know i should be happy with what i have but yar. just let me be. actually teared a lil lohs. wanted to talk to someone.. but i just couldn't. yar. anyhoo had a sneak preview of the art exhibition tml in JJ thanks to karen.. AMAZING.. didnt know they are SO talented.. but yar amazing stuff .. im defintely going tml.. nothin more to say.. but im happy.. really i am.. happy birthday to me? haha.
maybe its b/c....... i feel... i really really.. don't deserve this from them... they're just wasting their time... -shakehead- don't deserve it...

dreamer ♥ 10:47 PM

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

heys.. today was phy prac.. hope it went alrights fer ya'll yeahs?
yesterday i wrote bout 19 postcards!! lols.. o.0 i saw lings in school just now and just dumped everything with her.. the band peeps ones of cos.. oops? lols.. sowwie aye.. haha.. so guys remember ta get yer postcard from her aye.. it's just a lil sth.. -smiles-
well there are 3 retainees in my class! -shivers- am really really afraid.. just hope i'm not one of the three.. or i'll just hafta go ta poly.. and ta leave everything behind? bleehhh shall not think of the horrors.. we'll only know our results on the 31st and that's like soooo far!! my gawd.. sighs.. we only end school on nov 6.. eeeekkkk! -grumbles-
in the mornin had the anchor test.. -faints- haha.. think i'm just gonna flunk it.. of cos didn't study fer it.. puhlease lar.. just came back from camp, you can't expect me ta study! lols.. tamil lesson was like so funnn.. actually it was just me? i just kept laughin throughout the lesson.. haha.. and jega was sayin sounded like waves or somethin.. lol.. oh and guess what.. jega leaked out my grade! yippie.. well first he started sayin two distinctions- jasmin deepak.. 3 B3s and 2C5s. kirrthana got distinction also. then he was sayin bout someone who scraped thro cos of compo, i was so afraid but it turned out to be divya. she was the only one ta fail paper2. sighs. but everyone passed tamil of cos. then he was sayin can see some of 'em puttin in effort like hasvany hema srinivas.. i kinda started ta freak cos he didnt say nething bout me? so did i get c5?! then he said.. sth like.. viknesvari no need ta say lar.. she's got the effort and all but he still feels that i'm still a little slack and believe i can actually do better..he was hopin i'd get an A2 but got B3.. wuhahaa.. i got B3!! -yippie- lols! it's a great booster fer me! shall mug hard fer my AO paper on nov7 and try my best fer A2 then. hehe. now really afraid der the other subjects.
was talking with mdm sal during GP. none of the guys turned up. she was giving as advice on starting really early with plannin and all fer next year. im gonna listen to her man. in fact anisah and i are plannin to revise our j1 work in december itself. enthu ah? lols. hopefully will be able to abide to my plans though.skipped bio lect but feel bad cos i saw ms wun before tt and she was like bio lect at lt5.. faster faster go now..blahblah hah.. instead i went ta watch movie with naz. lol. but it wouldnt have been beneficial if i went fer lect cos it'l just go in one ear and out the other. mmm. but the movie was totally disgusting.. SICK man!! YUCKsssss!! lol.. -pukes- lol... oh well.. gonna read up on bio laters.. need ta clean up my study area.. deepavali comin and all.. oh and i received my first birthday card ytd from.. JENNIFER!! yyeeaaayy! thanks a lot babe! *huggies* i've yet to reply yer email yar? sowwie kaes? i will soon.. gonna nap now.. bro gonna use.. ciaos..

dreamer ♥ 5:29 PM

Sunday, October 19, 2003

warning:long entry
before i went fer da camp received an sms rom chee hui? lol so sweet though totally unexpected? eggie linggers and crunchy perky nana too? lols.. thankiew -bows-
our tent was situated right at da back, isolated from the rest! haha. -shakehead- luckily we had xinpei who knew how ta pitch da tent. dining area or da so called 'canteen' was like made of wood. we sat on logs. i think overall food was not too bad lar. lol. the ballroom's really nice. the only air conditioned place! the toilet was so niiiicccee of course, compared to the one we hadta use! DUH! the showers had NO doors! -faints- lol. can still bathe in da cubicles though using pails. the first day when we went ta bathe, my gawd the water got so little. pathetically little okaes! haahhaa.. my gawd~ we played ice breaking games in da ballroom. the telematch was pretty uhm lame~ haha. but after that we were allowed to play in the sea for like an hour or so? SO FUN! loved it lots~ was lookin fer da gurls but couldn't find 'em.i think our nightwalk got pushed to the first day. it was BORING. haha. but uhm i was laughing all the way. was with my indian friends. heh. but the end was beautiful!!! the stars were like.. -WOW-!! really really!! couldn't take my eyes off da sky! guess what guess what! i saw shooting stars!! TWO of 'em!! SOOOO HAAPPPPPYYYY!!! lols. -griiiinnnnnnn- really really loved da stars man. woooohooooo! =x that night the three of 'em rae xinpei siyi went to sleep so fast! lols. i came back later and was laughin the night away disturbin them. ooops. next day my friend from neighbouring tent told me she heard me! =x hahahaha.
on the second day had the 5BX. bleaghs. kayaking was so ultra fun! love it ta bits man really! had the best time then! lol. rawks big time i tell ya. wished we had more time though. then we went ta play paintball cept with waterbombs. OH! haven't introduced my instructor! lols. his name is IMRAN. and he is DAMN cute !!! lols really.. soooo adorable haha.. the muscles ah.. -wink- heh heh.. he's cool man.. !just threw bombbags around haah. ahmad best. there was this particular bag siyi and i failed to burst. when he picked it up i said cannot burst lar, and bent to pick up litter and he burst it on my head! ouch! lols~ -faints- haha. then we aimed imran. heh. archery was so fun too! didn't wanna do it at first? but yar guess what, on second shot i hit BULL's EYE! bravo bravo! lols! went to the mangrove which was equally cool too! loved the wind blowing in my hair. prettiful sights! saw a monkey! (siyi's species) haha. guess outdoor cooking got cancelled. uhm, then we had grp orienteering. wasn't much of fun. but xinpei siyi and i got pretty enthu towards the end! when we're enthu the rest aren't? lols. second day had campfire preparations too. my grp decided to do a musical cum skit. the idea was pretty cool. we were really tired and feeling really sleepy. lol.
3rd day was kinda boring actually.the day part i mean. did general stations. this spider web thingie we hadta carry ppl through. the 'river' you had to cross using the rope in the middle and this long wall! lols. guys sure were helpful there. lol.not gonna go into too much of a detail. after that was high ropes course. was pretty boring actually. was feeling really sick with my flu and cough. wasnt that abd though. got better as time passed on. played some games with the group.
before i go on let me talk about my group. -smiles-my group's the 2nd rojak group. we have ppl from choir eclub eldds cldds civil defence cant rmb already. initially didn't exactly mix around that much. and frankly was darn irritated with the group. they kept talking chinese like non stop so how are we suppose to join in? bloody fools. during general stations discuss in chinese. my gawd. i was pissed lohs for goodness sake. thank god i had anisah and shalini in my group? if not i would have dreaded the whole freakin camp? yeaps. heh but at high ropes they kinda included us. so that was good. know we have to endure, but sometimes too much is just too much. anisah and shal really couldn't take it.. guess ive been in situations as such for too many a times ;) it was bad. yes. but not really all that bad. i must say some of 'em really are nice people and stuff. -smiles-
bbq dinner was fun! this guy from my grp, weili, damn power! bbq-ed practically everything for us and he's suchan expert at it! lols. tried ta help here and there. later on anisah mizah jasmin and i went ta sit at the beach gaze at the stars and chatted. was so much of fun. the sand was so soft man. wow. lol. and so JJC nite began. all of us were wearing the TEAM JJC tee that's orange in colour. really really cool! -winks- loved the rugby performance of cos. haha. awesomely cool stuff especially that rug cheer. haha. ruggies and ruggers rawk man. woohooo. so glad the ruggies were able ta make it fer the camp -grin- but sad that i wasn't able to spend any time with 'em. sigh, but oh well. heh. our grp's performance was cool thanks to weili acting as Mr Koh. think he did a wonderful job man! lol.made the audience laugh yeayyyy! heh. loved the cheering part! just love ta scream and shout! wooohoooo~! lols.. usually when we cheer would be wishin to be with da gurls cos it'll be more fun that way but guess i can have fun whenever and where ever i want now yeahs? heh. but yar love the JJ spirit man. love it. -smiles- the stars were once again all so pretty. oh while we were rehearsing our performance, Dani talked to me anisah and shal. thought she's pretty hot and cool ;) lol.
the third night before sleeping, siyi xinpei and i chatted fer a long while i guess after packing our bags. was really so much of fun. actually think we laughed more than we chat. silly siyi, fer the whole of da camp kept imitating my laughter till the last night when she was the one who can't stop laughing! sooooo whiney man that woman! lols.. and xinpei hahaahha.. milo freak..and whines with her face.. awww sweet.. really really glad to have gotten to know these two peeps bette especially xinpei since i never really talk to her before. twas great really.heh. smiles. btw, think something happened to rae? she kinda kept isolating herself from us? we tried confronting her but she said nothing. mmmm. like she'll not really talk to us much. just really quiet. scary really but hope she's alright now. all of us were so worried.
bleaghs. the entry's really long already. to think i have yet more to say but nvm shall cut it short. we had to wake up extra early on the last day. report at the ballroom. had this emotional web session. mr ng was talking about it first. telling us about the jj spirit. talking about soccer and why aj and ac suuported us in da finals. man, can tear ya know. and when mr ng passed the rafia string to his cap khai, and when he talked to him,guess he was close to tears.. it was all so emotional and sweeeeeeeet! JJ rawks my socks!!! wooohooo~ lol.. just wish others could see this side of JJCians and not just the academic part..my group's one wasn't emotional lar. guess we haven't gotten to know each other THAT well. heh. nothing much already? went to take photos with anisah mizah and shalini outside. took with our instructor too. previous night took with jasmin also. heh. took with da band peeps.too bad wasnt able to take with the gurls!! :( nvm. after that played concentration with the group. HAHA. Jiamao's forefeit was hilarious. he hadta strip upper half and run around the room. couldnt stop laughin. lol. too bad , dont think anyone caught a photo of it. went home with anisah hah was sooooooooooo tired and sleepy and hungry! lols.
actually the camp was pretty slacky??! thought since it was a leadership camp should be quite intensive. but the whole flow was yar slack. mmmm. and that's good in a way i guess. wonderful way to relax right after the promos! -weeeeeeeee- well there were bad points fer this camp.. LOTS of boring ones too but if you take a step back and just look at it all.. the good really outweighs the bad. and i'm glad really, to have gotten to know more people, for the fun and enjoyment i shared with them and for everything else. yeay. feels good ya know really heh. -smiles-
btw, they are gonna open fer OGLs. don't know if i should go? i mean i could be with the gurls.. but i don't know really. wonder who'd go with me? anybody?

dreamer ♥ 9:37 PM