...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, July 05, 2003

heyyy! didn't leave early yesterday night. instead was just hanging around chatting. lol. ended up helping clive find some pictures of paintings for his art. managed to find only one useful one? wuhahaha. but yar. the pictures were like so coool! really amazing man. finally slept at 3am! woke up late at around 745. didn't even hear the alarm ring! so tired. then rushed to school for dance. man! the hall looks pretty weird? the front doors are like those restaurant doors and the side doors are those staffroom doors. certainly doesn't suit the hall. funny. lol. went totally berserk in the mornin before dance started lols!! on my own loh. heh. well we had to wear the skirt and dance and mine's so long i kept stepping on it. once during the break i fell down! cos of the stupid skirt. luckily i didn't fall hard and not only my friends know lar heh. hmmmm quite hard to dance with the skirt cos it's so heavy! but will get used to it after a few times. wonder how we're gonna dance after we're wearing all those jewelleries? we'll be like.. -omg- lol. sighs. really hope we'll do well on that day? yeaps. so paiseh~ halfway ms yamuna's best friend marilyn lim came..then watcehd us dance. yamuna was sayin somethin abt smilin..say only me smilin ar.. then ms lim was like eh viknes right? then i was like yar yar.. then ms yamuna gave that face say yar your band member! lol.. so farnie.. cos there was a period of time i always went for band instead of dance.. LOL.. =x.. heh.. my guy partnernow changed to faisal already. and i think he didn't know about the practice today? dumb right. *shake head* had to bring home the skirt. sooo maafan.

while the rest went for the ics elections thingy i went for band. the seniors were there! edna,clive,angel,chi and jem! lols! stupid clive, say he isn't suppose to appear in school then still come.. without bringing the photos! grr..! and he hasn't started on his econs? still got art? and heard from angel he went to little india? oh my gawd loh. dunno what to say! & i enter only say me liaos. piang. must strangle him! ha! oh yes, edna gave me a lil black card.. thanks aye pretty woman? heh. thanks thanks! well then went to join my section! yeay! but they were playing harry potter! ah! lol. during lunch went with yikling anlin and rae. seems like the entire band ended up at Macs? hahaaha. shoooo full man. when i came back from lunch, saw farhana n shalini. they say the elections were over. pres-mehraj vp-alamu? ohmy. =x sec-nt sure treausrer-kirrthana then i know anisah n srinivas got committee members. err.. no comments? heh. cos i don't exactly bother lar yar? heh. well we did some i reccomend. then the grand march. only jem angel and chi came back. mr leng brought so many new pieces ! wow. haaa. all anyhow play ar? what to do. sight reading very very very poor. lol. diyanah usin lings instrument. so nxt sat i`ll be usin angel's one~ welfarians pass down ar..LOL..then got angel to play also! *yiPpie* very happy to have u back? lol.. cos the atmosphere is much more lively? yeaps! heh. rae finally played the tpt too. yar. oh yes forgot to mention. i guess clive has very very itchy fingers?!! wrote on the table loh.haiyox. the four seniors' name then with liquid paper trumpet '03.best ah. heh.kit arranged the tpt cupboard loh.. by herself.. nvr tell us also.. hurmph. nvm lar, she wanna be independent so be it. heh. let her do everything. -grin- nothing much happened. the pieces weren't that interesting though. seems like we've gotta play some march piece for ppl to march on national day. yeaps.

left the band room at around 4pm. angel jemmy chi rae yikling anlin diyanah shai & me took bus to jP. shai went home. then yikling and anlin went to photocopy the scores. chi jemmy angel went to buy cd. me rae and diyanah went to kfc and ate. then we were later joined by the seniors and also yikling and anlin much much later on. keke. had lotza fun? haha. yeah. kept laughing away loh? darn farnie!! lols.. yeap yeap.. had a great time just chillin there. heh. stupid angel keep sayin she's tired HA.. haiyohs. Fun lar yar HEh..-huge grin- left the place only around before 6 like tt. parted with the seniors. diyanah and i took mrt. met chi in the mrt. yar. then just talk talk loh. glad that now can talk to diyanah..better than last time! *yippie* lols. diyanah got down at er jE.. then chi gt down at clementi..he's going for his alumni thingy..yar.. hmmmm.. nothing else.. hee.. had such a wonderful day !!!!! thanks leh u guys. yeaayyyyy so happy lols. if only the seniors could come back more often? haaaa. rights. nono, ya`ll better stay at home and study ar. heh. well maybe i`ll update later.. guess i`ll go read storybook now!! HEE.. ~~i`m a happy gurl today.. so my entry is very pinkie. lol.=D~~ *huggies all of you*

dreamer ♥ 7:56 PM

today was a fairly good day. it started raining heavily near my house. pretty cold day today i would say. yani couldn't make it to school today. sighs. that's sad really. cos she's like the only classmate i really talk to even though i do get along with the others. lessons went alright. i didn't give it a shot during the conversations bit during tamil. i should i have since i don't have much confidence. but oh well. it's over anyway. it was raining during pe. so we ran three rounds in the school and had to climb stairs and come back down. did it for god knows how many times. later did some napfa stuffs. boring really. ate during the break. well surprisingly and fortunately mr leow didn't turn up during maths tutorial. took that time to clear some doubts i had for tutorial 7. sigh, i really need to buck up. better get all the help i need now. we later found out that it was solely mr leow's fault.. he thought it was lecture first before tutorial. as a result, we'll need to have an extra tutorial. btu next friday is the syf so i can't go for it. but another date wil be arranged for the seven of us who cannot make it next friday. man, after friday it'll be like freedom. cos for sure, next week's gonna be total hell.

well my oral date has been postponed to the 14th. i'll admit i'm rather nervous about it. but it'll probably be the last thing on my head next week with those dance practices. there's gonna be ics elections tml. but of course i will not be going for it even though attendance will be taken. i'm gonna go for band. ics will be like my last priority haha. it's not like i care or anything. -all smiles- well after school i went home straight. yeah. was really tired. popped online for a while then i went to sleep. and when i woke up i was wondering if it was night or if i had woken up on a saturday morning. initially i thought i had woken up on a saturday morning. lol. luckily i didn't do anything to prepare myself to go to school. silly me. oh well. hmmmm. started reading hp4. well at 300+ pages now. left with almost the 2nd half of the book. it's so darn interesting. i've stopped reading just to blog. heh. oh well. been here long now. have nothing much to do online either. hmmmm. i didn't think much today. i do not know if that's good.. or bad.. cos it's seems as though i'm living in my own little world. but everything's good. i'm kind of dreading tomorrow's dance practice though. it's not like i hate dance or anything. but try practicing the same dance steps fer the same old song fer like 6 months. it's like.. ugh. alrights. my entries are getting shorter aye. only two paragraphs. oh well, nothing interesting's happening to boring old me. oh well, i'm leaving soon. byebye!

dreamer ♥ 12:08 AM

Thursday, July 03, 2003

well. this entry is gonna be more on complain and just silly thoughts. advice not to read. but if u insist to get sick of me.. sorry..
i didn't sleep yesterday, or rather today morning. i don't know why. a lot of things were running through my mind. can't exactly comprehend them though. but i was stoning for a few hours i guess. like, i wasn't aware what i was doing then. as time passed i did ym chem practical, pw stuffs then i read storybook. took my bath at like 4+am? lols. was quite out of my mind really. maybe, i just didn't feel like sleeping. school started off okaes. i seriously don't know why but i was very down? like totally ya know. my face was like. oh man. i kept extremely quiet too. well, failed my chem test one. only 11/30. hais. hopeless. didn't even study for that test. i felt more like a walking corpse this morning. i really did. slept halfway through maths lecture. too tired to copy. even yani was like saying i looked really bad. she said i looked very troubled. well the truth is yes. i am troubled. but i don't think i'm thinking too much. these things are real and they're happening. how am i suppose to pretend they're not and just live each day as it is rights. impossible. during the bio prac i felt as though i was going to break..explode. didn't know if it was because of the lack of sleep or the thoughts constantly haunting me. they were just rattling my head. sigh. didn't bring my blades. how horrible. ugh. just felt totally bad. siiiigggghhhhhh.

it was only during tamil lesson that i lightened up and became a lil crazy. laughed. -smile- so.. wasn't too bad. felt better. don't quite remember anything else important that happened. slept when i came home of cos. didn't do anything. sighs. well so glad that gp tca3 is being postponed. my oral has to be postponed too, cos it's on the day of our syf. ugh. the damned confusion. not knowing it. not understanding it. that horrible feeling of intense helplessness and solitude..there's so much feeling inside of me and i just don't exactly know how i want to put it. and this feeling inside of me is anything but dead. but the silence is closing in on me. this entry is pointless cause i'm rambling about things nobody cares about ...
i just hope someday soon i can get this all out.

dreamer ♥ 11:12 PM

during mother tongue toda we were reading passages.. and guess what.. mr jega said that he gives me a perfecy ten! woohoo! lols. cool aye. but still, my conversation sucks, even though we didn't have any today. hmmmm. means i must try my best to score really well in the reading. heh. then he also said.. future newscaster? walau!! now the kirrthana keeps calling me that! lols! *faints* so many people in my class were sleepin during chem lecture.. so farnie. lol. i wasn't exactly paying attention, told you i`m so lost lohs. heh. maths also i blur. oh my gawd. slacking again already? lol. nvm sunday i work hard again.. at wdlnds library. lol. yeaps. planning to go there again. heh. everything felt really draggy today? kept whining to yueru. lols. so farnie. then chem prac.. SIAN!! luckily the practical was ok. oh shucks. now i remember that i`ve to complete the practical paper. darn. i`m so smart right lol. =x. well guess what! a piece of good news! my practical test i got 36/40.. and ms tan wrote.. v v good! hurray! totally unexpected? i thought i was gonna fail. lol. aye, not bad right. hee.

OH YES! there's something darn hilarious that i forgot to mention in yesterday's entry! yani helped me and puishan to pass up our maths tutorial but she placed it in the wrong tray or something like that. then ya know, mr leow went to her house ?!!! yar!! omg right?! lol.. it was damn funny man.. oh my gawd.. -.-" DAMN WEIRD lohs..bleaghs! haha. met rae in the canteen for lunch, but i didn't eat lol. hmmmm. went for band. uhmmmm. we got two new pieces..orgen and utopia. was sight reading them just now hehx. i`m playing second.. *grins* kitmun, if u happen to read this right..just wanna say.. YES i got tired of playing first. HAPPY ? =) poor rae, her oboe wasn't there. but she helped me n km hahaa. our sight reading just sucks? mine is just horrible lar. lol. die man. die die die. haaa. then full band. quite sians. no angel.. so quiet! lol.. then just play play.. not that bad. than surprisingly, km shouted across to mao to ask him to talk in english. yes it was a surprise to me lol. oh yeah, diyanah didn't come today.. boohoo.. =(.. shai told me diyanah actually very crazy one.. lol.. must try ta bring that crazy side of her out man! heh. when i came online i was like horribly pissed? 1stly, by what i read there.. it's like.. darn irritating.just cannot take it anymore. then 2ndly yilin is like.. what.. being evil? ha rights. says she's not upset. yar. guess anger blinds her..trynna be evil to lun? all will be of no use? i was just irritated man. like hello? can you think a lil maturely? but sigh. i`ll keep my mouth shut. it's not like she'll listen to what i have to say anyway. SIGH.

well saw karen n hazel at canteen. but didn't want to go home with them. just wanted to be alone. am already so tired. yar. rae and bingzhen wasn't in the bandroom ah. so just left. came home. sight read then fell asleep? when i wake up slack again? walau. damn it. hahahahaaha. dunno why ya know. keep sleeping whenever i get home from school. then yar. sighs. what's wrong with me. ugh. cannot slack. cannot slack. cannot slack. hur. screw lose already. friday there's gonna be some qn to be tested regarding MI. oh nooo. then nxt week got maths quiz. following week will be the test. luckily? cos next whole week i`m DEAD !! -frowns- aiyox.. i`m complaining toooo much.. but can't help it ah.. hehx.. guess i`ll make myself coffee and start with my work..buhbyeeee..

dreamer ♥ 12:06 AM

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

i forgot to say that lay has got herself contact lenses.. and it's coloured. quite nice. makes her look hmm.. a lil more meena i guess ha. but it's alright lar. i only ended up sleeping at around 130++ to 2am. lol. i was online chatting hahas. i guess was a little crazy yesterday night or something? hahaas. clive and i were having a very very crappy chat in irc. lol. soooooo full of nonsense. *shake head* smsed all the seniors wishing them good luck haha. school was alright. i'm like really lost in chem ya know. oh man. sighs. don't understand the lectures and stuff but i just listen as if i do and copy down whatever i need to. and there's oral this friday ! freaky really. haven't been reading tamil in what seems like ages. sighs. i`m so dead for my conversation. haha. oh well. hope for the best i guess. shucks, we did 2.4 for pe. somehow i saw it coming. man, sucked lar duh. didn't do any form of exercise during the hols. was such a pig. lol. had a stitch during the 5th round..really cmi ah. lol. lay stopped after fifth round cos her knee was givin her problem. i hope the real 2.4 will be on tuesday haaa. so can run with lay then i won't stop. if not really cmi. i have such low self motivation. heh.

during the break was with lay they all. but wasn't exactly with them? cos when they were just standing there talkin i went to find my classmates. then i bought a burger. and since they were still queuing to buy their food i ate my burger alone. then i went to buy drink and also the bio txt. yeaps! bought it! yeay! hehx. during civics.. my teacher was saying that me and two others had to pay 62 bucks cos the deduction was unsuccessful. i was like totally shocked! $62 !! how am i suppose to like ask my mom for like 62 bucks loh. even 20 bucks she had to borrow, where the hell's she gonna get 62 from man. i was like so.. omg.. like really dunno what to do. i mean i feel totally bad for asking her more money ? yar. sighs. felt terrible. my mood totally changed. yeah. was feeling darn down. was ranting to clive. haaaa. he so nice ar? offered to lend me the money? nonsense lohs. heh. but no need already yar? but thanks a lot anyways. really. (my mom givin it to me tml) but i smsed my sister to inform her about the money. at least i give her earlier notice. hmmm. sighs. just feel damn bad. cos yesterday both of them quarelled. then dad drank again yesterday what. ssiiiggghhhsss. couldn't concentrate during gp. my mind was elsewhere. just kept very silent. i hope all this will clear? i really cannot stand it.. i can't..survive like this.. it's tough.. :(.. and after buying my bio txt and two markers, and today's lunch i`m broke already? sighs. asked mariam to bring honey stars for me tml, for break and lunch i think. don't feel like telling my mom i have no money. just don't want to yar. sighs. feel totally pathetic. hmm. whatever.

was feelin a little better during tamil. cos was at the computer lab. but so slow man. irritating. i was just slacking. haaa. he didn't give me anything to type what. it's not like i bother anyway. hurmph. after that was bio lect. then i went home straight away. heh. nowadays right.. i seem to be more on my own. i don't why. hmmmm. something's weirdly wrong, but i haven't figured it out yet. no time. heh. read hp3 and fell asleep. lol. woke up and did my chem tut. but haven't completed it. then read storybook again. now here to do pw minutes actually. but ended up slacking. ahh. stupid hee. guess i'll do a lil typing.. then a lil more reading, cos gonna finish the book. still not feelin sleepy. -.- alrights. gtg do some work now. buhbye. :)
-dance is a delicate balance between perfection and beauty.

dreamer ♥ 12:16 AM

Monday, June 30, 2003

hello bloggieeee! let me quickly update you about today. well settled in the quadrangle. guess what, bz gave me a letter! yeaps! and it was a pink letter. wuahaha. but when she called me to give it to me i was quite shock, so i was like er..okaes.. heh. well, she apologized in the letter? yeah. felt light at heart? happy too. yeay. heh. went for mt. he talked and talked again. never change? -.-" walaus. er. only handed in one piece of hmwk. ain't gonna do the compo. sian ah. lols. bio lecture was alright. i was very attentive? heh. didn't have the txtbk..sighs. still haven't bought it. we have a new maths tutor~! and his name is mr leow if i remember correctly. he's like only 18? yeap, sure young, but doesn't look like. but he's good really. feel as though maths got some hope now? heh. go vicky go! hahas. i'm like totally lost in chemistry man. ugghh. hope the tuiton will help to improve my chem. yeaps. during the break was talking to yani about stuffs. after thatwanted to read through her bio txt, but i was toooooo tired. so just slept. new bio tutor! ms wun! she's like really cool man. really. i love her enthusiasm and her good command of english. yeay! i love bio even more now. hehx. gp.. wah..so hard to keep my eyes open.. bleaghs.. after that rushed home.. read hp3.. then fell asleep! slept for too long i guess! heh! then came online.. hmmm.. saw bz online.. remember clive sayin cannot be stubborn rights? heh. so i messaged her.. talk about stuff and then normal already. lol. yeaps. exchanged photos. her photos damn clear. i think better than yours leh clive? jealous anot? wuahhahaaha. kidding.sighs. there's a lot of work to do man. gonna stay up til quite late today i guess. hee.

hmmmmm. got the 20 bucks from my mom for the bio txt. sighs. she borrowed the money from someone? i feel bad lar. but i have no choice. i like bio so much i really need the book now so i won't like lag behind or anything and i can read up before attending lectures and i wouldn't be so blur like i was last time. uhm. was surprised when my dad came back home?! i almost wanted to ask, what are you doing back at home. managed to keep my mouth shut ar. but yeahs. he's drunk? ugghh? like whatever. can't stand him. and he went down NOW? at this time? i told u i cannot be bothered. if he's gonna create some problem i`m so not gonna care. so irritating. uggghhhh. tml got pe lehs. eeeeekkkk. gonna die. hahahahahaa.

well alrights. tomorrow's the maths C paper. wanna wish those taking it GOOD LUCK !! ;) i know ya`ll been mugging very hard aye. so tomorrow just do your best yar. squeeeze all that brain juice! hehx! ehh, people like fifi angel ah.. good luck kaes.. can make it one really.. and edna.. better walk into the hall with confidence and not saying that you're screwed and gonna fail k.. if not i`ll personally come down and whack you? lols.. kiddin kiddin heh.. jiayou kaes! anyways.. hmmm.. if i remember correctly wed's physics & lit, thurs's econs and fri's chem.. heh.. see i remember.. yeay? -.-" alrights.. uhmmm.. yar.. good luck and all the best to you guys!! remember not to give up yeahs !! i believe ya`ll will make it! hehx! jiayou~~ *grins* oh yes.. make sure ya`ll get enough sleep the day before.. don't stay up too late muggin' ! -wink-

it's time for me to go do my hmwk now! byeeeee..

dreamer ♥ 10:46 PM

Sunday, June 29, 2003

slept on the sofa in the living room yesterday. didn't wanna be anywhere near those two. woke up in the morning. was raining. nice weather. went for tuition. felt ok in the morning. hmmm. tuition went fine. learn a number of things. shalini's pretty helpful. now i know who i can approach when i need help in my chemistry. after that i made my way to woodlands library. wasn't hard to find the civics centre. went to find a nice spot for myself. at 2nd level behind area. sat on the floor and used the seat as my table. many ppl did that too. was in the library from 2-6pm. did the comprehension. didn't do summary though. completed MI revision 3 except the last qn. did the assignment 5b i chucked away the other time. revised 1st three months maths topics except for inequalities. then i made my way to macD for my dinner, by myself of course. i saw someone today. i have a strange feeling it was weilun. sighs. but i didn't get to see him again. i think he was working? sighs. why's he doing this. his phone was switched off. oh well. at the MacD i was reading through the chem notes i photocopied from yani. from yj. very good, detailed and easy to understand. yilin called. at least i had some company. my mom actually called. yeahs. told her i was studyin at wdlnds library. after that i went back to the library. continued reading and highlighting chemistry. started to get a headache. but i continued.

around 730+ i couldn't doing it anymore. but i didn't want to go home. nope. so i just stayed in the library. it was quiet and peaceful there. really wonderful. time passed rather slowly. was scribbling lyrics on my papers. felt totally down. extremely. i guess it's normal for someone who has to spend their time elsewhere rather than at home...alone. when i was ready to go home at 815.. just walked aimlessly. yeah.. then came home. mom said that it was good i wasn't at home today. dad created trouble at home because he got drunk again. then when my sister came back she spoke cruelly to me again. seems like she bought a new hp. must be with her own money? sighs. but to me.. i feel she should have given me the money to get myself my school books. :(
and i'm crying now.
can't hold the tears back any longer. i'm so broken up inside. i'm hurting. ok, i'll control. control. and then bingzhen signs in msn.. only to make me feel worse. i'm feeling totally horrible. i'm choking on my words. i don't think i'm wrong to say that it's been almost a month since i last talked to her. and i do not know how my sister can be so nice to me only, only.. when she needs something. i really feel like cutting myself up now. how long more can i pretend. but i will..i will pretend...

and there's school tml. not excited. nothing. numb. just another day. but i'll study. it's the only thing i'm left with right. the only right thing left to do. this is useless. sighs. shall stone for a while now and listen to music.. guess i'll soak up my pillow later. goodnight dear blog.

dreamer ♥ 10:20 PM

today was an ok day i guess. woke up around 3pm. started off with maths. was workin at a slow pace? but i didn't have a choice because i had to try and understand and slowly work out the steps. did tut 7a halfway. hmmmm. read up on MI. did a lil on revision 8. will continue with it tomorrow. hmmmm. was working with maths til around evening before i gave up. i read up on chemistry. made it look prettiful. well mariam said she doesn't mind studying with me every sunday. well, that's what i'm going to do from now on. got it all planned out. actually, i'm starting tomorrow. after tuition, i'm gonna go to woodlands library. shall take the journey as my relaxing time. well need to do my gp comprehension, plan for my tamil compo, continue with revision 8 and finally revise on biology and maths. quite a number of stuff but i'll be staying there long. shall only come back around evening. hmmmm. but i don't think i'll tell my mom. if she ever calls to find out where i am, then i'll tell her. heard my dad got a new second job. and sigh, money is still a problem. am wondering if i should tell my mom if i need the money.. or just draw it out.. ugh. whatever. not gonna think about it now.

i managed to stay away from the computer for the whole day? kind of an achievement. feel glad about it. anyway there's nothing much for me to do online anymore. a place for me to be happy by chatting in irc, confiding in my friends, and here, writing my thoughts. it's a lot but yeah. i don't know what i'm saying. just letting my hp charge. hmmm. i don't know why i'm here. should be sleeping but i can't. guess it's because i drank coffee. oops? hee. but yeah. maybe after a long day of studying tomorrow, i'll turn in earlier so that i'll be fresh on the first day back to school. tests are gonna come. stress too. i just pray i'll be able to handle all of it. there'll be band. there'll be dance prac, which i so drag. and i'm afraid i might be able to attend a couple of band practices because of this. but..we'll see. i'm more interested in my studies now.

read angel's blog just now. and it's really really really very saddening. kind of affected me. so i felt a little down. was talking with woeilin. about a sweet topic you might say? -love. lol. hmmmm. guess all girls feel the same way aye. i was also tellin fifi earlier on.. it's like.. i'm close to you guys like only online.. when school starts everybody's gonna be busy. me with my promos and you guys with your As. i woulndn't be coming online too much already. i might not have much time for a chit chat. so i'm just hoping, that we wouldn't drift too far away? yeah even though it's still the same school haha, wouldn't see ya'll too often either. but yeahs. if you know who you peepz are.. i'll keep all your words of encouragement and advice close to heart. thanks for being a friend to me. (lol i sound as if i'm going overseas or sth). i will miss your company a lot. all the best for your mid years. i believe ya`ll can make it if ya`ll try hard enough. failure's not an option yeah. i will really miss ya'll. heh. take care kaes? :)

the words are kinda blurred.this is what it says :: the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've eve had.

dreamer ♥ 3:36 AM