...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Friday, September 05, 2003

when i woke up on thursday for school, i actually found my bio tut. so i didn't lose it which is great but i ended up copying. oh well. thursday was kind of a pretty bad day for me. i don't remember all that happened exactly. but it all began during break when rae kinda blurted out to angel about kitmun being sl. if only she hadn't. but nobody's to blame. so yeah, angel told clive and he messaged me about it. he said he'll be seriously upset if she really is. and the messages that came after that just sent me to the pits. i'm not like angry or anything. but. just made me super depressed. i'm not someone who accepts things as they pass and you cannot tell me not to bother cos i think that's the only thing i do. and he actually said words like it's your band.. we can do what we want and don't want to talk about this anymore stuff like that. i don't know. i couldn't understand why he was drawing a line between your band. i kinda suggested asking him to voice out.and there's more. these may seem trivial to you but to me it definitely isn't. he's my sl for goodness sake and the vp. i assume they were words with disappointment at its deepest with fury dissolved in it. you may not understand but i'm not asking you to either.but things from my perpective are just different. after that, i didn't dare say anything to him 'cept that i'm sorry. and i really really am for causing sucha stir of emotions between ya'll.being too bothered about it smsed angel. even thought she told me not to bother, i can't.it has happened and i'm involved. so it's just not ok. not ok at all.felt really depressed.i decided to stay in school to study.unfortunately, lings msged me and ask me abotu why km's sl. i think i almost fainted. it just brought everything i chucked away back. sighs. like what perfect timing. but i don't blame her. just being concerned, i know.but luckily a little while later i was able to black everything out.
i was looking at the postcards outside the cafe.when i came across this particular one that made me laugh out.it was sucha coincidence.the two hands on it looked like the ones clive showed me before -- only that his was his art piece.and it was really really good.happily msged him but glad he replied in a not so fierce tone.well.that night went home tgt with lings again. she's sucha sweetie. -hugs- was planning to do my work but eventually i fell asleep, w/o dinner.
friday went alrights.pe was fun adn loved it as my class girls 'cept one or two were playing captain's ball.it's really cool to see all of us tgt.maybe there's still hope for the bonding in my class.-smiles- i'm glad. and when yanie was sorta in a situation all the girls were around her listening and trying to solve the problem.cool aye.hasvany and i went to the library to borrow the promo papers.zan called me and asked me abt it!! wow. everything just came crumbling down on me. like, again!i felt like screaming. and yet i know he's being concerned, or so i assure myself.told him. then he told me that clive's mad. look at the word he used. 'mad'. that's extreme. and he said that clive doesn't want anything to do with the band anymore. (i tear once again as i wrote this line) is it my fault to read between the lines or think too much. he's done so friggin much and put in so much of his heart and soul into... as i said earlier in the previous entry.. rest of this is on paper.. but i'm not gonna type it out.. it's no use.. =)

dreamer ♥ 8:31 PM

Thursday, September 04, 2003

today's definitely a much better day. but it didn't start off as good though. was really really tired. totally slept during the bus journey to school. could barely keep my eyes open. guess i was emotionally drained due to the previous day. mmm. actually got clive to do me a favour, since he was having a free period - to buy coffee for me from BP. he actually did? thought he would say he's lazy as usual.. haa.. thankiew so so much yar? cos it really did help. my dear ol' coffee buddy.. lol. he didn't even wanna accept my $1. yar yar rich kid rights clive. haha. =x better don't say much, lol, but thanks yar!! -hug

didn't eat during the 925 break. was stoning in the canteen. just observing the people in the canteen. heh. was actually paying attention during chem and maths lecture. organic chemistry is scary and to think we'd be tested of the first few chapters scares me even more. my heart aches. there's even more to study and practice. i really wonder if i can make it. sighs. oh yeah. my school's actually sponsoring for the movie homerun? cool aye. almost my whole class is going. lol. why waste the opportunity rights? anyway i end at 1245 on fridays. heh. quite happy, my maths assignment got 13/14 and he wrote excellent effort. -smiles- i guess it's lil things like these that motivates me to work harder. even my tamil teacher said so. actually jega is cool in the sense he always talks to us about reality and he's veryf rnk and practical. main reason why i love tamil lessons? but there's atamil mock exam next week. yes, during the one week "holiday". that's very very bad. am scared. =
was stoning again in the canteen during the lunch break. when edna poked me actually thought someone accidentally hit me so i didn't really bother, not till she smsed me about it. sorry dear, guess i was so lost in my own world. but everything kind of turned around when i saw the band peeps. my mood totally changed positively! we met for the leadership camp briefing. thanks to siyi kept laughin as per normal. rae joined us shortly! -grin- after the briefing went for band practice. diyanah didn't come. tried callin her but her hp off. =\ kitmun would only be comin laters as she had Fmaths thingie. well we moved to the classroom. mr leng came. as funny as always. heh. played this new piece. then i hadta play first, since i was like the only trumpeter. hah. but wah i was sooo like AGH! totally sucked? maybe cos never play the higher range of notes for sucha long time? so its like at one time i'll play properly but not the next? and there's sooo many solos. hahaha. but it's the first time i played w/o feelin nervous? cos usually i'll be like soo freaked out. lol. mmmm. improvement? heh. yar. tried my best. then had to play first again for john williams til kitmun came. yeay. hahaha. so yeahs. did a little i reccomend before ending.

i was really upbeat and stuff. walked around cleaning the room. laughing and laughing. rushing everybody off for the meeting. think it was soooo coool. haha. so fun and all. so much better than previous meetings. guess we are better acquainted with each other. that's really really good. decided to get small cakes for the teachers including mr leng. and six birthday cards for all the birthdays we've missed starting from earn chi. well, lings one, edna? among ourselves alrights? -smiles- yijia and siyi happily ah.. imitate my laughter? didn't know i laugh in so many variations? lols. so funny. hee. had to keep shh-ing everytime cos we were at the cafe and some people were studyin. hope we weren't too much of a disturbance. talked about the farewell.

and also the SLs thingie? since the seniors haven't chosen (actually i think it has slipped their minds..wuhaha) we decided to choose ourselves. so for clarinets is anlin,saxo laimeng,lower brasses xinpei,upper brasses kitmun,percussion ain't sure who and finally flutes i think it isn't finalised? was shocked to find out some stuff? like for example bz gave a lot of excuses? one of em was like her mom told her to get her dog to a vet? like what the? i mean, you should set a separate time for that mah why use the band time? and band pracs are standard wed n sats right. got one more excuse about uhm dunno when's the band prac or was it nobody told her anything? -shrugs- but this coming from her is shockin? i don't know.totally unexpected i guess. then everytime also got art. obviously she goes for art instead of coming fer band lohs. somemore got her ahem there. sighs. can't say anything lar. and jm coughed when ch said about km being sl for our upper brass, and he said cos even though she's really really hardworking she doesn't show much improvement. i think it's true? but i guess there's at least some improvement rights? right. then SL gonna take care of latecomin and would have to pay double! HAHA! lols. me and siyi were like.. yeay save our smses and save our money. LOL. =x heh. btw, seems like my laughter is the key to the door of bonding between these people. nonsense right? but oh well. cool. heh. -grin- glad glad. if only everyday there was band practice. i'll be a happy gurl everyday! -smiles-

was actually suppose to do my bio tut now. but ya know what. i can't find it. how perfect right? i have a bad feeling i threw it away? lols. yeap. while clearing and packing all my stuff. sigh horrible. tml will have to rush through it. uhm. gonna read through some bio chapters now. if there's time i'll do a little chem. alrights. i've written sucha long long entry. so if you actually read til here? congrats man you've made it. lol. -lame- k k.. nights ;)

dreamer ♥ 3:11 AM

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

heys. heavy downpour in the morning. didn't make it in time for the meeting. had lings company in the bus to school. heh. wonder when will be the next time i hafta help her with her art. hopefully she'll have enough time fer the final masterpiece yeahs. there wasn't any pe today. just a wasteful day actually. not til i was reminded that we are suppose to have 1.5 hours of maths. so goddamn long yeahs. sighs, my tamil is so weak? the illakanum part. need to study but don't know if i can make time for it. sighs.

got back our maths test paper during the extra lesson. double sighs? i only got 12.5/25? it's only a just-pass. so saddening? siiigggghhhhh. sometimes, i really really just don't see the use at all of studying and practising and trynna be consistent with all tutorials in assignments. how come it's not reflected in the goddamn test? what ya trynna say? i'm not working right? man, i think i should just faint. i don't wanna say i wanna give up? cos that's totally out of point. work halfway then give up? in that way everything will really go to waste. all i can say is that.. i can get really tired at times? demoralising i guess. sighs.

after that had gp consultation. i decided to stay in school to study since i ended pretty late. around 5+. actually saw vijay and kavitha at the back. mmm. guess i didn't want to interrupt them? but i think i'd rather be alone anyways.yar. so i did my maths. and i studied my bio. so many people came in between? hazel, jolene, faisal n vivian, siyi.. yar.. lols.. mmmm. was in school til around 8+. thought of gettin coffee but decided against it. i was shivering like mad in the 99 bus. even when i inhaled i was shaking furiously. yeah, THAT cold. how smart of me not to bring my cardigan on a day when i really need it. argh.

oh and there's birthdays of the band peepz that i haven't been keeping track off! sighs.. hope didn't disappoint them cos they must have been expecting something from the band yeahs? like duh. sighs. so sorry people. been so bsuy and bogged down and blahblah. sighs. will try my best. there's so many ya know. chi,l ings.. earn chi.. now siew kim.. -bleaghs- i'm complaining alot now aren't i. shall just stop.

anyways. i just feel sooo empty. and it hurts to imagine it. it hurts to breathe and live it. but i can't help it. i guess this is what it's like to be miserable. i guess this is what it's like to be me.
hope tomorrow will be a better day since there's band. am feeling pretty tired now. i don't know if i should push myself to do some work. sighhhhhh.

dreamer ♥ 10:43 PM

Sunday, August 31, 2003

I'm tired of feeling that I can't cry,
I'm tired of having feelings that I don't understand,
I'm tired of having to explain things to people or myself,
I'm tired of not being able to explain,
I'm tired of looking at things differently than other people look at them.
I'm…TIRED of hating people, of having people hate me,
of…of loving people who either don't know how to return that love
or can't see it...
and I'm tired of feeling
like I'm one wrong word away
from losing everything I love most in this world

dreamer ♥ 11:54 PM