...is to live life, simply...

"welcome."

Come closer. Look into my eyes. Slowly.
See how I’ve grown and changed through these 8*teen years.
Look at the things I have achieved and the ones I have destroyed.
Things I’ve started; complete and incomplete.
Those that I’ve loved and those that I’ve loath.
Remove the painted disguise and look at this princess in her lonely world.
Tired of picking up the b r o k e n pieces and to smooth out the creases.
Running. Waiting for someone to find her.
Come in now and read of my world.
But remember.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words.

Enjoy!

Saturday, December 06, 2003

every other song that her music box plays brings back a supressed memory.
even the wind is screaming so loudly.
every little thing just makes her want to cry.
she can't concentrate when the world around her keeps spinning.
is this a game? 'cos she seems to be failing.
the weight of your expectations pin her down and helplessly,
her silent tears fall to the ground.
but she pushes on trying to breathe through these darkened waters full of grief.

then you come by and turn everything around like it's so easy.
so ignorantly you tore her apart with your words.
~~words that once breathed life into her.~~
you pressed so hard against her healing wounds.
did you even give a thought to how she feels?
no, instead you killed her with your black heart, you beast.
and she wonders what she has done wrong in life to deserve this cold shoulder.
her splintered heart can't feel no more with all the pain you've caused. just numb.
all she did was to care for you and appreciated you for you.
but all you did was hurt her in the end.
she couldn't even speak for herself as she choked on her words.
the voices lie to her..that you were hiding emotions behind words. that one day you'll say sorry. and then... maybe then.. everything will be ok.. but also because of you she's losing faith..soon she will stop putting her trust into something that won't last for ever.. like.. you.. friends..

she feels all eyes on her. scrutinizing her every move. critising her every word. just wanting to huddle and hide. because she's nothing. she cannot give you anything. so please tell her you don't expect anything. her visions are starting to blur. the voices in the head are getting louder.she don't know just how long she'll last.

and she looks into the mirror again tonight.
her reflection dancing in its silent misery.
she breaks like porcelain.
the pieces fall apart because they can't stick together anymore.
for she don't know who she is anymore.

dreamer ♥ 7:40 PM

Thursday, December 04, 2003

so yeah i changed the add a lil bit. been feelin extremely weird recently. not exactly being myself am i? but family ties are good. and i like it. was chatting with yumin. and guess i tend to feel a little neglected by people i call friends? it's as though i'm forgotten. remember i thought edna and clive are supposedly my very close friends? though i know what i was doing, like pouring my problems to them but in between all that didn't we have conversations? long ones? maybe they were just a dream. i must have been building empty sandcastles. now that their As are over, it's as though they've forgotten me cos they don't talk to me anymore. so yeah my icq got deleted. but if you don't show any effort of trynna keep in touch with me in any other way, doesn't that just goes to show i'm not important in their lives? well i don't have to be important..at least remembered? oh well so the answer is no. fine, let it be as such then. i'm sick and tired of trying to keep friendships together. really. this time, i'll be like the rest. i'll just not care. if you have other things to do, i do too.. like cutting. ha. now that's comforting.
my friendship's with puisin is rather weird too. we're like only close at times. and when we're close, we're really close. then we don't talk at all. for a long while. totally weird. and i don't understand it. the girls? the few of 'em? don't think they're much either? really.
you know, sometimes i really wish i had friends to go out with. hang out with. just walk and window shop or something. friends to call me up and chat. friends who bother. who care. actually when i say friends here.. i think i mean the people whom i think should be doing them but they're not. that's what's bothering i guess. maybe it's because i'm too simple. a home girl. always staying at home. maybe because i don't have any style. like a nerd. maybe they dislike me silently because of my eczema. it's people like them that make being alone so difficult. because they be with you for a while then they let you fall without any intention of catching you. that's where it hurts most because you fall deeper and harder. it's like these people whom are suppose to care..they only take a glance..but not a second look to see if you're ok. it's sad. really.
thank god i do have yumin, bingzhen and nadia. and i do get the occasional are you oks from hannah. i know it's wrong to ask for more.. i just wish those people cared too. but i'm not gonna do anything about it. like i've said. i've had enough. just going to sink deeper into isolation. until it's time for school next year.
i'm drowning in this deafening silence.
sometimes i don't know why i do it. it's as though i have to. but sometimes i feel bad especially when i think of my parents. i love them as much as they love me. but there's noting else that can be done bout me feelin this way. it's my only way to get through. to survive. to go on.

dreamer ♥ 2:11 AM

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Your Existing Situation
Sensitive; needs esthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm intimacy.
Your Stress Sources
Disappointment and unfulfilled hopes have given rise to an anxious uncertainty, while doubts that things will be any better in the future lead to the postponement of essential decisions. This conflict between hope and necessity is creating considerable pressure. Instead of resolving this by facing up to making the essential decisions, she is likely to immerse herself in the pursuit of trivialities as an escape route.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life.
Your Desired Objective
Feels the situation is hopeless. Strongly resists things which she finds disagreeable. Tries to shield herself from anything which might irritate her or make her feel more depressed.
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. Her inability to enforce her will causes her to over-react in stubborn defiance and by assigning to others all the blame for her own failures.
Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, emptiness, and an unadmitted self-contempt. Her refusal to admit this leads to her adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude.

dreamer ♥ 4:32 PM

today was much better i guess. seetha came over. she spend much time here. everything went cool. i woke up around 4 plus in da morning. used the comp. later on i helped my father do some chores and cleaning. and i made him breakfast. -smiles- he drank tonight but it's ok. we all understand. he's sad. i mean of course he is. i'm just staying by his side. it's not easy for me to see him like this. and while lying beside him..waiting for him to sleep.. and listenin to his stories..just made me tear. it's very sad. guess i'm still not ok. it's hard.
for the whole of today i've just been reading that website. one of the links. i think it's soothing though horrifying to read them. and one of the stories reminded me of my past. there was once i actually held a knife. vision blurred with suicide thoughts. how sweet death would be. but i end up cutting instead. i've only cut with a knife once. and the scar it made.. seems like it'll stay forever. it's weird. i've been thinking a lot about cutting lately. and i mean a lot. when im not doing anything, the only other thing i think of is that.
actually i felt like doing it again. to get me through this night. but i think it's ok. i don't need it. for now. sighs. -breathes-

dreamer ♥ 1:20 AM

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

ok, where do i start. the 3rd day of bandfest wasn't much really. but we took a section photo as well as a band photo. hee. JJC and NYJC were singled out because we only had two and one absentee fer the whole of the day camp. -grin- went to have lunch with joce laimeng and rae. kitmun joined us later. went home with her. then nothing much? was so tired i slept pretty early. next morning. something shocking happened? acctually we saw it coming? because the day before, her breathing changed drastically? very very bad? she did go see a doc. and on sunday morning...she left us. i was more of in a state of shock. and at the same time i had to go meet lm for brunch. i was growing confused. how am i suppose to leave right? and at the same time how can i not go? once in a lifetime experience to perform at esplanade and spend the last day with the schoenburgians. my sister got on my nerves? does she have to really? i serioudly cannot stand her. i mean seriously. so i left with a heavy heart too angry fer tears. was late in meeting laimeng. i told her but i think she heard me but wasn't listening. so i decided to push everything to the back of my head.
brunch went great. met da rest. took some photos? then we went in. settled down and watched the other bands during the rehearsal. dinner was alrights i guess. was rotting in the room. joce went to play daidee and cheehui was off with her section. the girls like me decided to play UNO. which was real fun. we were laughing like mad. lol. and i found company? someone who laughed as crazily as me? lol. playplayplay and made new friends from AJ and a few others too. ok our performance went alright? was really enjoying the last piece? lol. funny. mmmm. then the tpt section was like so eager to do the cheer? bleaghs. ended up mostly it was just us shouting? wuahaha. nvm it's ok? trumpeters rawk anyway! so we made our way out and we were cheering.. eld by the crazee jon and poleo..was fun..lots! heh.. we were so united in it.. giving three cheers here and there. took section photos too. grabbed some flowers from the stalk that was being distributed lol. remembrance? went out to meet the rest. and once out of the door..i see my juniors!! and they happily had to scream my name lohs! hahaahaaa.. outside as well as inside the esplanade? oh my. haha.funny funny. and yes this time i heard? but didn't know where exactly it came from. took more photos. only sad thing was i couldnt see zhenming? sigh!!! grr.. lol. more photos and we were off.
bz didnt tell me she was leaving? sigh? i would have also? i would have gone to met karen and hazel darlings? wouldnt have been where i was feeling so left out?!!!!! basket. so yeah i got on the bus and fucking kept to myself. kept smsing so i wouldnt have to see anybody nor talk to anyone. not like i was interested either. there was some kinda accident too. after gettin in i was the first to leave. i couldnt be bothered. not that anyone cared anyway? maybe it all would have been better if bz was there? but she wasn't. so i left. in the bus. alone. eating. drowning. and when i came home the outside area was packed. my house was cleaned and wrapped up with white. all the grandchildren were sitting at the side of my granny. sighs. i really felt the intense mourning man. so i quickly washed up and sat there. kinda to pay respect? after that i fell asleep? cos i was just too tired? really i was. yeahs.
i was the last to wake up the next morning. guess it was only i who slept so much? went to sit at the same place again. at one time had to move beside my sis cos they wanted to sit according to descending order. well that was it. she pissed me off? every fucking thing i do she had her comments? like dont do tt blahblahblah? my gawd. so pissed off? went into the room. almost refusing to ever come out? when my dad came i complained to him? sighs really love my dad lots. heard he cried a lilytd talkin to his aunt. sighs. so he accompanied me throughout. wella lot of us started tearing. i almost couldnt stop? just felt so fucking sad?! then they did the stuffs. oh i need to mention this? one of our cousin came someone we havent seen in a long time, and we didnt know it was him. totally omg. he changed a lot. and has a il bit of attitude.
gettin back. my aunt fainted? sigh. guess she aint strong enough. i was so sad. kept crying. i had to comfort myself? yeahs. then they carried her down the stairs. all the way from 9th floor? the five of us girls went to the crematorium. usually they say the girls cant go. but we went and its ok really. in the bus it was more of a reflection? and more tearing? ive lived all my 17 years with my grandmother, in the same house. she loved as grandchildren so much. she really took care of us. ive seen her from the times when she'll actively move around. always the first to wake up water the plants and mopping the hse. always drinking lots of milk. how she'll call me diffierently, in an affectionate way? always checkin up on me? sometimes when i slept outside she'll be the one to wake me up to sleep in? everytime when im left alone at home..im never really alone? cos granny's with me? to the point where she got bed ridden and couldnt walk anymore? and then she couldnt really move? started becoming more weak? sighs. she's done so so so soooo much really. -sobs- i just can't believe that she's gone, though it was expected. i still cant believe it. its as though she's still lying down in her room. still there.
i saw them pushing the coffin into that thing. where the fire is? omg. gone. but well? she's gone to join grandfather? he'll be happy? she wouldn't be suffering? came back home sitting with my daddy. sighs. she's gone. she really is. oh and i think belinda must be my sister's really really great close friend? she actually came for the funeral? like wow?.. yeah.. sighs.. =(.. im sad.... very very.. sad.. wish karen was beside me? at least she'll comfort me..somehow.. -sobs-
ps: i was thinkin of changing my blog addie. and only letting a few ppl know. this time really, only a few. what ya'll think? min? wen? ame? comments? =x

added:: ya know when i left JJ i almost got hit down by the bus? hahahaha. how cool's that? if only it really hit me and i died? i mean like wow? so cool? mmmm.

dreamer ♥ 5:58 AM